Reading about Jacob and Esau today. It's always been difficult for me to understand the story of Jacob and Esau. Jacob schemes and lies to steal away Esau's birthright---and then again to take his blessing. The commentary I'm reading says that Jacob does these things because he is spiritually hungry---and that God will work with imperfect people----God will be present with imperfect people---when they passionately pursue him. The Bible says Esau despised his birthright----and the commentary notes that Esau was more concerned with the physical world than the spiritual one. There's a verse somewhere that says something like--"For Jacob have I loved and Esau have I hated." That one has always disturbed me....
Of course, God would have blessed Jacob regardless. Jacob didn't really have to lie and cheat his way into having God's blessings---and Jacob will have a hard life for a few years because of his treachery. But God will not give up on him. As Jacob is fleeing his home, because Esau is literally ready to kill him----he has a dream---Jacob's ladder---the angels going up and down. God gives Esau the same promise He gave to Abraham---about blessing His family. And He says: "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Genesis 28:15
I can't help of think of the dreams I had when Stuart and I were going through the adoption process. Two have stayed with me. One dream---after we met M, the biological mother of a child who had chosen us to parent---but who would ultimately decide to parent herself. Stu and I had met her several times---and we thought M was lovely and vibrant. Stu and I had stayed up talking late one night---about how--yes, we wanted a child----but how, part of us was very sad that the child couldn't stay with his biological mother. We were both excited about the prospect of parenting----but also very sad about the brokenness that is intrinsic to adoption. For us to have a new family---another family must first be broken. It is not an easy thing to accept. That night, I dreamed---I stood with a man---nondescript---and he just told me---"This is all going to work out. More than just work out---it's going to be good. It's going to look as if things aren't ok----but they are. All will be well." At the time, I thought that perhaps the dream meant the adoption would work out for the best. Looking back, I think it meant that the child would end up where he was supposed to end up---with his first family----and that all is well.
The second dream occurred the night before Miriam was born----an old woman sat with me on a mossy stone. And she told me matter of factly: "You can do this. You can do this because the Holy Spirit is with you. The Holy Spirit is in you. The Holy Spirit is around you." And she repeated those words. And the next day---as Miriam's birth was accompanied by uncertainty about whether or not the adoption would take place--the Holy Spirit was with us. In the coming days, as we would fall in love with our daughter---I would see Stuart, as I can still see him vividly now---sitting in the chair with Miriam's fingers curled around his---he would meet my eyes---and we would be thinking the same thing---what if this adoption plan falls through? And even then---the Holy Spirit was with us---gave us a peace beyond understanding.....
God is with us---even when we are imperfect.....
I write these things today to memorialize them----as Jacob laid the stones to remember---I'm writing these words to remember----the goodness of God. The way he comes to us in the details of our lives and cares for us with such kindness that we don't deserve. God is good.
Blessings: getting to hang out with Joshua, Nikki, Ashley, and Kristy last night.
And many, many more
Prayers: they repeat still....they are many as well.
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