Beginnings

Deep within your heart
May seeds of faith be rooted well
That in sadness or in joy--
God is the same---Immanuel.

August 16, 2011
Let me preface this post by saying that I'm trying something a little different.  I'm writing this post with the intention of not "publishing" it until the baby that we are expecting to arrive actually arrives.  Those of you who follow this blog know that we have had two adoptions fall through.  And don't get me wrong here--we're ok.  We really are.  We know that God's plan is the only plan that matters---we know that His timing is the perfect timing.  And we know that we're only one tiny dot in the picture that is in God's panoramic view.  But still---I won't lie and say it wasn't hard---- and I think that's why I'm feeling the need to play this portion of our story a little bit closer to my heart.

So why blog at all?  I'm much more of a writer than a talker---give me a quiet room and a piece of paper---and I can work out my feelings and reflect on the meaning of the things that happen to me or the things that I observe.  Words don't come to me easily in the moment---and I'm not often able to talk things out until they make sense.  I've often regretted that my personality is so introverted---and it goes against my nature to be as open as I've been on this blog.  However, my hope is that someone will stumble on this account---someone who has been in similar circumstances that can relate to me and can find hope in my family's story---or maybe someone who doesn't know Christ as their savior.  My loftiest hope is that this blog can serve, not only as a record of this special time in my life, but also as a witness to the most important story---the story of God loving us---even as He knows we will make a mess of everything----God entering into fellowship with us by coming in the form of Jesus to sacrifice Himself for us----"that whosoever believeth in Him might have everlasting life."  I've never been a very good witness for Christ---I have stayed silent even when I felt convicted to speak---I have let opportunities to share the gospel---which should be good news that I want to share----pass me by over and over again. My life has not always reflected the light of Christ into this shadowed world the way that it should  And so I hope that maybe---this time---as I have seen God walking steadfastly and faithfully beside Stuart and I during good times as well as during difficult times---I can provide some testimony that will find its way into the ears of someone who needs to hear it.   Testimony that God is good---and faithful---no matter our circumstances.

We're expecting a baby girl.  She's due September 4---though her birthmother expects that she will make her way into the world sooner than that.  We'll see.  I will refer to the birthmother as C from here on out. Here are the reasons that C gave us for choosing us as the adoptive parents for her child:
C loves to crochet---and I had in our profile book that I loved to knit.
C has a knack for numbers and loves Sudoku puzzles---as does my husband.
C wanted someone who was musically inclined who valued education.  I'm a music teacher.
C wants the child to be raised in a Christ centered home, which is something Stu and I want for our child as well.
C wants her child to be a gift to a couple who desperately desire children---but who are unable to have them.

Our first meeting with C was much more comfortable than any of our other meetings.  C is easy to talk to, full of laughter, and she truly seems to be a person who lives in the delight of fellowship/relationship with God.  C said that everything in our profile book just clicked with her---and that she felt that God was leading her to us.  C told us that she felt differently about this child---she said that she loved her---but that she didn't feel that this child was really hers---but that rather God was using her womb to bless someone else---to bless Stuart and I.  I told her that I couldn't even understand how she was even thinking about us---and our happiness---in the face of her own sacrifice.  (I don't think I said it that succinctly---but it was something to that effect) ----which brought her to tears---which subsequently brought me to tears. Actually, it was pretty much a room full of tears.  But these weren't the sobs of a heartbroken woman as we had experienced before---but rather the tears of someone who desperately wanted God to work her life---even the parts of her life she feels were "mistakes"---for good.  She told us that she just knew that something good was going to happen today.....   And the meeting proceeded---to us it felt very comfortable---and very positive.  And we left the agency feeling cautiously hopeful.  Maybe this will be the child that God intends for us to have....Maybe this will be the young lady God intends to weave into our lives.....Maybe.....

Let's play a game of what if's for a minute.  I know it's a dangerous game---but I just can't resist.  What if this is indeed the child God has planned for us to have?   How crazy would that be?  One of the initial reasons that C gave for being drawn to us was that I knit.  There's only one reason that I knit---it's because a few years back I stupidly stood on a chair as I was stapling the border on the strip above the chalkboard in my classroom---I lost my balance---and I fell and broke my ankle.  I had a lot of nerve damage---which resulted in a fiery, "creepy, crawly" kind of pain that the pills they gave me couldn't really touch.  I was unable to sleep any significant amount of time for a couple of months---and I was slowly going crazy(and taking everyone around me along for the ride, I might add.)  I found that if I had something crafty to occupy my hands---I could play a little mind trick on my body---and that I didn't feel the discomfort quite as much.  I learned to knit---mostly practicing in the middle of the night through the wee hours of the morning while my husband slept--- and throughout most of the day---especially during the time when I was supposed to stay off my ankle completely while leaving it elevated---above the level of my heart.  (There's not a lot you can do from that position)  I would have gone absolutely insane without the knitting.  The percocet made it difficult to read---the words would "swim" when I tried to focus---and while knitting on percocet is something of an adventure as well---it was manageable---and it dulled the nerve pain through a trick of the mind.  I never would have learned to knit had I not broken my ankle.  I am not a crafty person---nor am I a particularly patient person.  But it's true that sometimes your limitations can bring about hidden strengths.  I've blogged before that during that time---Stu and I were praying fervently for a child.  And now I can't help but think---if I'd never learned to knit---would C still have been drawn to us as adoptive parents?  Did God have it all figured out even then?  Of course He did---but isn't it crazy to think that in the midst of our weaknesses----there's God---weaving in and out  of His tapestry in intricate patterns that we can't even begin to fathom----working for good.

Today, Stu and I met C for a doctor's appointment.  C really wants us to come to the doctor's appointments with her once a week.

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time.  

I'm just going to give that sentence some space to breathe.  I can't really describe how it felt to be there---and to hear that tiny, thumping heartbeat----there are no words.    We are joyful, hopeful, expectant parents.

For a while---Stu and I were trying to keep a foot in two worlds.  In one world--we were already the parents of this little girl----preparing the nursery, switching from blues to pinks, and our hearts were filled to bursting.   In the other world---we were the people who have been hurt twice---and we are scared of being hurt again.   We tried to maintain a balance of elated anticipation and caution.  It has become difficult to do that now.  It is impossible for us to hear the beating of this child's heart---and not jump into the world of "This is our baby!  Celebrate with us!"  So that's what we're doing---our hearts are invested---how could they not be?  And should things not pan out as we hope----then may God let us just be two more people who loved this child---and loved her mother as well.

God is sovereign---God is good---no matter what.