"Something there is that doesn't love a wall....." Robert Frost

August 31, 2011

A heart that is guarded
By a stark, ungiving wall
Is just atrophied muscle
And no real heart at all.


The big day--September 4---is  incredibly slow and yet undeniably fast in its approach.  Each minute seems to last so long---I am anxious for this child to come----and yet I know it won't be much longer.  Sunday is the due date.  Today is Wednesday.

Friday---we will accompany C to another doctor's appointment.  So perhaps we will have a better idea of when the baby will arrive then.  We will also take advantage of that time to spend a little more one on one time with C.

I've blogged before about the open relationship we have always wished to have with the birthmother who would be matched with us----and about how it's important to honor C---because doing so honors our child.  I've blogged about the research which indicates that adoptive parents, children who are adopted, and mothers who have carried through with an adoption plan for their children all benefit greatly from maintaining some degree of openness---ie---birthmother may visit with child, receive letters and pictures from the adoptive parents and child herself once she's of the appropriate age.  And again---if it's good for our child---then we want to do that.  And we do want to love the people that God puts in our path, just in obedience to Him if for nothing else.

I've been reading Don Piper's "Desiring God" this week.  He talks a lot about the fact that if we delight in the love that God has poured out into us---that delight will overflow our cup---and be poured out into others.  I am convicted by this at times.  Our pastor talks a lot about how all of our relationships tend to be transactional.  We don't want to be friends with that needy person who will take up all of our time;  we don't want to enter into a relationship with someone who we know will "cheat" on us. We want to be in a relationship with someone who can do for us what we are willing to do for them. And yet---God's dealings with us are in direct contradiction to this logic.  He entered into a relationship with me---knowing full well that I can be selfish and mean---and sometimes absolutely thoughtless when absorbed in my own little world.  I can do nothing for Him---He must do everything for me.   Shouldn't that transcendent love mean something?  Shouldn't that take root in my heart more readily?  I suppose God ain't done with me yet.  I pray that He is hard at work---and that as I forge through with these new relationships---they will be guided by the Holy Spirit---and that my delight in Christ would indeed be shared, multiplied, and made complete.  I pray that God walks me through this---step by step---because I know I just can't do it alone---but then again---He's never asked me to do anything without Him---so perhaps any anxiety and uneasiness I feel is complete foolishness---start to finish.