Poking the baby

When Miriam first came home---I worried constantly about her.  I worried when she cried---but then I worried when she didn't cry as well.  It's the worrying about her when she didn't cry that led to my newest hobby:  poking the baby.  I am scared of SIDS.  And sometimes, when I would peer into Miriam's bassinet----she would be so still and serene---and I would become deathly afraid that she wasn't breathing.  So--I'd poke her---and she would squirm uncomfortably and make a little annoyed squeak---but I would feel immensely better.  And it turns out---poking the baby is addictive.  Once you've poked the baby and experienced the relief of knowing that she's still alive---still capable of responding to stimulus---well then, you're just that much quicker to poke her once more the next time you feel a little uneasy about how long she's been quiet.  So, I started poking her quite a lot.  Stuart began to tell me:  "Ashley, stop poking the baby."  And that just led to me poking her in secret, when Stu wasn't paying attention.  Furtive poking---still gets the job done.  Anywho---I am glad to report though, that the frequency in which I poke the baby has declined considerably since Miriam first came home.  I still poke her sometimes---but not nearly as much as I used to.  I think I'm finally settling down into a place where I can believe that everything's going to be ok.  The revocation period is over with---and that fact has lessened my general anxiety significantly.  And Miriam is on a pretty regular schedule---I know when to expect her to be active or sleepy--or hungry.  She has some very predictable patterns---which puts me at ease.  And so--the need to poke her every half hour or so (ok fifteen minutes)---has lessened.  But then again---there are still those moments when nothing will do but a little poke----as long as Stuart isn't looking.  :)