The hardest thing about teaching music---is that if you are constructing a suitably challenging piece of music---which might include interesting vocal contours, orchestrations that both complement and contrast with the rhythms/melodies of the basic song itself, and movement that accurately reflects the mood of the piece----the students you are teaching cannot imagine this piece of music in its completed form. And since teaching often means breaking down complex ideas/motives into their most basic components---you can't begin by teaching them everything at once---you have to give the piece to them in parts. One week--learn just the melody---or perhaps only part of the melody if it is particularly challenging. One week---learn the orchestration---in bits and pieces---one ostinati at a time. Be sure a part can be performed in isolation, before attempting to layer in the next part---and while each subsequent part might be performed easily in isolation---when performed together--simultaneously---one finds the challenge greatly magnified. And still another week---work on creating movement to reflect the music. Ask the students how should it reflect the music?? Should it reflect its tempo---so that fast movements accompany a briskly paced tune---and slower, more lethargic movements accompany a more quiet, wandering tune? Should the movement reflect the contour of the melody----Using higher space when the melody is high---and lower space the melody is low? Should the movement capture both these aspects at the same time---or focus on some other intrinsic part of the music entirely. Should the movement try to capture some other--harder to name---elusive spirit of the music---some piece of the music that cannot quite be analyzed---that is more a feeling than a word?? And how---how can we really reflect what we can barely describe in words---or is it because we can't describe it in words---that we must do so in some other fashion.....The hardest part about teaching music is that what we are working towards in the class is so much more than the sum of its parts. And all of the above processes described briefly above----they are hard work---rewarding, yes---but the reward is one of delayed gratification. You can't really enjoy the fruits of your labor---until the labor is complete---when you spend a half hour meticulously refining repetitive rhythms on your instruments---being sure that all performers perform at the same tempo---with ears inclined towards balance---and a million other things to make everything line up just so---so that you can have a rewarding performance....it's hard work---and students can't always imagine towards what.....That comes later---when all is put together----and even then---the end product really depends on the efforts and skill of the class who have been working on it. A conscientious class who has been steadfast and persevered through difficulties--that has used the weeks of practice to refine their talents and to strengthen their weaknesses----that has worked in good faith---even though they couldn't imagine the end product---if they work carefully on the building blocks---they can create something that is nothing short of magical. And once they do---and if they feel that magic that happens----they are more likely to do more good work---to create more beautiful moments that we can enjoy together, as a class---in this brief little time we have with them in our little grey classroom that finds its colors in the music that fills it.... Of course, if there is a class who can't get past the idea of---this is all I see this week---so this is all there must be. A rhythm or two performed in isolation from the entirety of the piece---is no magical thing. And yet--they must be performed in isolation before they can be performed in the context of the entire piece if students are to have any hope of performing them accurately---in their most rewarding fashion. And a class without faith that there is something beautiful to be made out of all of these rather insignificant looking building blocks strewn haphazardly about---a class like that can be difficult because their performance will not hold the same magic---and they will feel that their efforts (even if they were feeble efforts) were in vain. And it will be more difficult to convince them to work harder the next time for something more substantial and meaningful. Because until they step out on faith---that the music will be more than the sum of its parts----they won't be able to experience anything but the parts---they'll never be able to put them together and enjoy the true sum---the heart of the piece. And that's my challenge---finding ways to build the faith....to encourage students to imagine what a song will feel like when all of its components weave in and out of each other.....to imagine the magic.....to realize that the work is worth it...
As I'm reflecting on these things---it makes me hope that I can serve God as I'm teaching---even in a public school setting. I hope that, through His grace, I can teach just a little about faith. Because being a person who has faith----who can believe in something one can't understand right away----well that's something we all need. To accept a Good God in a world of uncertainty, violence, and fear---we need faith. To work hard quietly---when things aren't going well---and seem to have no hope of going well---to not throw one's hands up and say--Why bother??---we need faith. To accomplish anything at all that lies outside the realm of the familiar and routine---we need faith.
Remember the man in the Bible who said: "Lord I believe---but help my unbelief" Sometimes I feel overly optimistic for hoping that I can "teach" faith---because on so many occasions in my own life---faith has been something given to me when I wasn't looking for it---even when I was foolish enough to be running away from it. Faith itself---was not something I could manufacture for myself---God had to step in and "help my unbelief." And surely if I cannot manufacture it for myself---I cannot manufacture it for anyone else.
Still---I like to think that faith itself---it's a part of the Real world----not the surface one that the darkness would like us to remain tangled in. And though I can do nothing on my own---I am not on my own---and all I can hope is to somehow reflect back a tiny bit of the light that God has shown me---I know that's what God hopes for me anyways (perhaps he would prefer it not to be "tiny"--but the idea is the same) And so maybe He lovingly provides me an opportunity to do that---in a small way. And just as I have to teach in a logical sequence from simple to complex---one piece at a time---then glue them deftly together----maybe faith can be taught-- or given if you prefer---in a similar fashion. Maybe having the chance to teach students to be people who can believe in more than what they can see----maybe that plants the seed for them to be people who can accept a Good God who looks to redeem a world that is anything but Good.
Perhaps it's ridiculous to look for the lines God connects throughout our lives----I'm certain they are too numerous to count---too subtle to even see at times---and too beautiful to comprehend at this time. Still---maybe that's part of growing the faith---thinking about ways that a Good God can work Good from me---even though at many times---I am anything but Good. And the only good thing in me---is Him.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
The Argument for God: Why God is More than a Fairy Tale
I just saw this photo on my Facebook feed---the one that showed a billboard that compares Christianity to a fairy tale. And I'm certain that the Christian community will have plenty to say about this as well. But---I hope that this billboard opens up a dialogue between Christians and non-Christians---I hope that this billboard presents believers with the opportunity to first of all--- behave lovingly towards people who believe differently than we do---and secondly---to respond with our own testimonies that witness to the fact that God is way more than a fairy tale.
God is more than a fairy tale....many of the arguments presented here are things that I read from CS Lewis (who was groomed to be a strong voice for atheism himself but after reading the Bible converted to Christianity) and Timothy Keller. Before anyone completely shirks off Christianity as a fairy tale---I would really suggest they read the Bible ---"Mere Christianity" by CS Lewis---and also "Belief in God in the Age of Skepticism" by Timothy Keller. Since the Christian community is made up of people---and because all people are messy----I am well aware that some people don't want anything to do with Christianity because they look at the actions of people who profess to be Christians---and they say: "I don't want anything to do with the God of such a hateful person... " Understandable....many people have done horrible things in the name of God. And all people behave in a hateful fashion at some time or other---or many times over----even when they truly do believe in God and are Christians. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you ever stop struggling against sin and hateful behavior....being a Christian means that you keep struggling against this part of your nature because you know what Christ went through for you----that Christ took the consequences of my sin upon himself---suffered immeasurably for me---so that I could be what I was originally intended to be----a person who lives in the joy of glorifying the God who made me---who loves me.... Because I know what Christ did for me----I WANT to live for his glory----but every single second of every single day---I am sinful---and if I don't continually lean on God---depend on God for strength---I'm going to fail---I'm going to fall---over and over and over again. But being a Christian means---God's there to catch me---God's there to love me unconditionally. And this relationship---this unconditional love that God shows me----that is the reason I WANT to show this unconditional love to others. But it will never be easy for me this side of heaven----and it will never be possible for me without dependence on God.
God is more than a fairly tale. Most people can agree that there is right and there is wrong. We might argue about what is an absolute right and an absolute wrong----but we all know there is a right and a wrong. Anyone who says there is no right/wrong will quickly change their tune once they are wronged. I might say to myself---there is no right and wrong in this world---but then if someone comes along and steals something of value from me-----it won't take me long to start complaining that I have been wronged. So---there is a right and a wrong----and we expect other people to adhere to this standard of Right.
Some will say that wanting to behave a certain way is merely instinct.....to this objection----CS Lewis writes: "Supposing you hear a cry for help from a man in danger. You will probably feel two desires---one a desire to give help (due to your herd instinct), the other a desire to keep out of danger (due to the instinct for self preservation) But you will find inside you, in addition to these two impulses, a third thing that tells you that you ought to follow the impulse to help, and suppress the impulse to run away. Now this thing that judges between two instincts, that decides which should be encouraged, cannot itself be either of them. You might as well say that the sheet of music which tells you, at a given moment, to play one note on the piano and not another, is itself one of the notes on the keyboard. The Moral Law tells us the tune we have to play: our instincts are merely the keys." Our instincts are like our choices---I have a whole piano's worth of notes that I could play----but if I just muck around on the keyboard with no regard to rhythm or time--or tonal centers---it isn't going to sound good. I need the sheet music---or at least a knowledge of rhythm/tonal centers--laws that govern music---for my performance to sound reasonably good. The Moral Law is the thing inside us that tells us: "This is the Right choice---the Good choice" You could listen to your instinct for self-preservation all the time---you could listen to your instinct for physical gratification all the time---but if you do--if you only follow your instincts and not the Voice that directs them/organizes them/-prioritizes them----you're just mucking around--- and your life isn't going to be good..... we need the Moral Law----if we want our lives be Good.
If we can agree that there is a Moral Law---the next reasonable question is---"Who set it in place???" Did we make it up ourselves?? CS Lewis: "Some people say that though decent conduct does not mean what pays each particular person at a particular moment, still, it means what pays the human race as a whole; and that consequently there is no mystery about it. Human beings, after all, have some sense; they see that you cannot have any real safety or happiness except in a society where every one plays fair, and it is because they see this that they try to behave decently. Now of course, it is perfectly true that safety and happiness can only come from individuals, classes, and nations being honest and fair and kind to each other. It is one of the most important truths in the work. But as an explanation of why we feel as we do about Right and Wrong it just misses the point. If we ask: "Why ought I to be unselfish?" and you reply "Because it is good for society," we may then ask, "Why should I care what's good for society except when it happens to pay me personally?" and then you will have to say, "Because you ought to be unselfish"---which simply brings us back to where we started." I hear someone in trouble---I feel the instinct to help---I feel the instinct to save myself----I hear the Moral Law telling me: "Listen to the instinct that tells you to help." This is a law---a Voice---that is superior to me----that demands from me a standard of behavior that I did not set in place for myself (because I can't keep up with it)----it demands that I put aside my own need for my personal safety and look after another. I didn't create this law---this Voice----and yet I cannot dismiss it as mere "fancy" either----it is always with me---always demanding that I be better than I am ever capable of being..........."Men ought to be unselfish, ought to be fair. Not that men are unselfish, not that they like being unselfish, but that they ought to be." We find that the Moral Law is a real thing---"which none of us has made---but which we find pressing on us."
There is a Standard of Right and Wrong---someone, not us, set it in place....so what happens to us when we fail (and we will fail---over and over and over again) to live up to the Standard of Right. What happens to us when we break the Law---or when we sin? Most of us teach our children that there are consequences for our actions---it is easily observable to note that when we sin---when we screw up---there are repercussions---there is brokenness sown into our lives and into the lives of others. If I engage in patterns of selfishness--and think continually only of myself--eventually I will find that there won't be anyone who can stand my company---and I will be alone, with only myself---as is fitting when one remembers that myself is all I have chosen to care about or invest in. If I steal money or goods from a person--- perhaps I will be caught by the police and penalized in some form or fashion---perhaps not---perhaps the cost of my sin is paid only by the person I have stolen from---as they must live with an absence of funds or value that I have left through my theft. If I am unforgiving and vengeful---I sow into my own life hatefulness, stinginess, and an uncompromising ability to hold onto every bad thing that anyone has ever done to me---effectively paralyzing me in this hateful, vengeful place---where I am undoubtedly miserable and wretched. Not to mention that my behavior under these parameters would make anyone around me miserable and wretched as well. Sin has a cost---often a painful one. The worst consequence of sin that I can imagine is separation from God. If God is the only thing Good in this world.....how awful would it be to never know him. To be left only with the evil in our own hearts.....A Holy Good God cannot abide sin---Goodness and Evil aren't playing some worldwide cosmic game of chess---where Good and Evil engage in easy banter as they move their pieces around the board with a sense of friendly competition emanating from their lighthearted interactions-- as is sometimes depicted in films that try to explain the relationship between Good and Evil. Good and Evil----they're in battle---only God has really already called out "checkmate." The game should be over----but this tension, this time between when He wins and the time when He collects---that is drawn out only for love of us....
In Christianity---we acknowledge that sin has a cost. And it has to be paid. Timothy Keller explains this better than anyone with his analogy of the gate. He says---imagine that a car crashes into your gate and ruins it---leaves extensive damages---damages that will be expensive and costly to repair. Several things could happen next. In one scenario-- you as the owner of the property could demand that the driver give you the money to repair the gate---out of their own pocket---or through their trusted insurance company---whatever---you tell the driver that they are responsible for the damages---so they must pay up and fix what they have broken. In another scenario---you as the owner of the property could forgive the debt. You could choose not to demand payment---but rather pay for any damages yourself. In either scenario---there is still damage---there is a cost to repair that damage---it's just in the first scenario the person who created that damage must pay the cost and in the second scenario the person who had that damage inflicted upon their property agrees to pay the cost. Sin has a cost---our sin should separate us from the very Holy, Good God that we were created to glorify---to love --to fellowship with. But Christ....Christ agreed to pay that cost. The wages of sin is death. Christ died in our stead. Sin separates us from God. Christ allowed Himself to be separated from the Father----so that we wouldn't have to be separated from Him. Salvation isn't free----it cost a great deal---it's just that we aren't the ones being demanded to pay that price. Christ agreed to pay it for us. This is the gospel. This is the Good News---that gets muddled when people try to use God for their own agendas, to perpetuate their own hatefulness and bigotries. The Gospel Truth is that we have all sinned---we have all screwed up in more ways than we can count or even be aware of----but God still calls us Beloved---even though if God thought like man---God would have thrown up His hands and said--Fine---Live life the way you want to---You don't want to walk with me---Fine---walk it on your own---and Lemme know how that works out for you. God doesn't do that---God sees that we break everything we touch---and so God comes down. God becomes a baby---God lives a perfect life that we can't live---is tested in every way---measures up in all the ways that we could never measure up to----and He still stands Perfect. He gets the "A"----but he agrees to take on the consequences of our "F"---He agrees to pay the cost of our sin---so that we can know what it feels like to be reunited with our God, our Father. This is the Good News. This is what we should want to shout from the mountains. God loves us---He does not abandon us to ourselves---He comes after us---He pursues us--He pays our debts so that we can finally walk with Him.
It isn't a fairy tale. God isn't Tinkerbell---waiting for people to clap their hands and say that "Yes, we do believe in fairies." God is God---the Creator---the Judge---the Rescuer.....the Everything. He is all these things and more whether we believe in Him or not. He weaves in and out of our lives whether we invite Him to or not. He draws us to Him in different ways--whether we ask for Him to or not. Our God calls us Beloved---and He tries to gather us back to Him again---even though we may have already ruined everything He has already given us. Even though we might run from Him. He doesn't give up on us. He has--as my daughter's Jesus Storybook Bible calls it: A Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Always and Forever Love for us. And I don't want anyone to discount this or see it for less than what it is---because what it is----is amazing.
I should call this part 1---because there's more to say here. But I want to say to any non-believer reading this---don't dismiss God as a fairy tale---not until you really think things through. Don't shirk the important questions---is there a right or wrong? Who set a standard of right and wrong in place? What happens to us when we can't measure up to that Voice that is telling us to always do better than what we are capable of? Do I have sin? Does it have consequences---does it have cost? Is there someone who can/will pay that cost for me if it is too great for me to pay? Follow the logic behind the questions---and don't dismiss God until you have studied Him and seeked after His ways. But know that even if you do dismiss Him---He won't dismiss you. He won't give up on you. He will never stop loving you.
God is more than a fairy tale....many of the arguments presented here are things that I read from CS Lewis (who was groomed to be a strong voice for atheism himself but after reading the Bible converted to Christianity) and Timothy Keller. Before anyone completely shirks off Christianity as a fairy tale---I would really suggest they read the Bible ---"Mere Christianity" by CS Lewis---and also "Belief in God in the Age of Skepticism" by Timothy Keller. Since the Christian community is made up of people---and because all people are messy----I am well aware that some people don't want anything to do with Christianity because they look at the actions of people who profess to be Christians---and they say: "I don't want anything to do with the God of such a hateful person... " Understandable....many people have done horrible things in the name of God. And all people behave in a hateful fashion at some time or other---or many times over----even when they truly do believe in God and are Christians. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you ever stop struggling against sin and hateful behavior....being a Christian means that you keep struggling against this part of your nature because you know what Christ went through for you----that Christ took the consequences of my sin upon himself---suffered immeasurably for me---so that I could be what I was originally intended to be----a person who lives in the joy of glorifying the God who made me---who loves me.... Because I know what Christ did for me----I WANT to live for his glory----but every single second of every single day---I am sinful---and if I don't continually lean on God---depend on God for strength---I'm going to fail---I'm going to fall---over and over and over again. But being a Christian means---God's there to catch me---God's there to love me unconditionally. And this relationship---this unconditional love that God shows me----that is the reason I WANT to show this unconditional love to others. But it will never be easy for me this side of heaven----and it will never be possible for me without dependence on God.
God is more than a fairly tale. Most people can agree that there is right and there is wrong. We might argue about what is an absolute right and an absolute wrong----but we all know there is a right and a wrong. Anyone who says there is no right/wrong will quickly change their tune once they are wronged. I might say to myself---there is no right and wrong in this world---but then if someone comes along and steals something of value from me-----it won't take me long to start complaining that I have been wronged. So---there is a right and a wrong----and we expect other people to adhere to this standard of Right.
Some will say that wanting to behave a certain way is merely instinct.....to this objection----CS Lewis writes: "Supposing you hear a cry for help from a man in danger. You will probably feel two desires---one a desire to give help (due to your herd instinct), the other a desire to keep out of danger (due to the instinct for self preservation) But you will find inside you, in addition to these two impulses, a third thing that tells you that you ought to follow the impulse to help, and suppress the impulse to run away. Now this thing that judges between two instincts, that decides which should be encouraged, cannot itself be either of them. You might as well say that the sheet of music which tells you, at a given moment, to play one note on the piano and not another, is itself one of the notes on the keyboard. The Moral Law tells us the tune we have to play: our instincts are merely the keys." Our instincts are like our choices---I have a whole piano's worth of notes that I could play----but if I just muck around on the keyboard with no regard to rhythm or time--or tonal centers---it isn't going to sound good. I need the sheet music---or at least a knowledge of rhythm/tonal centers--laws that govern music---for my performance to sound reasonably good. The Moral Law is the thing inside us that tells us: "This is the Right choice---the Good choice" You could listen to your instinct for self-preservation all the time---you could listen to your instinct for physical gratification all the time---but if you do--if you only follow your instincts and not the Voice that directs them/organizes them/-prioritizes them----you're just mucking around--- and your life isn't going to be good..... we need the Moral Law----if we want our lives be Good.
If we can agree that there is a Moral Law---the next reasonable question is---"Who set it in place???" Did we make it up ourselves?? CS Lewis: "Some people say that though decent conduct does not mean what pays each particular person at a particular moment, still, it means what pays the human race as a whole; and that consequently there is no mystery about it. Human beings, after all, have some sense; they see that you cannot have any real safety or happiness except in a society where every one plays fair, and it is because they see this that they try to behave decently. Now of course, it is perfectly true that safety and happiness can only come from individuals, classes, and nations being honest and fair and kind to each other. It is one of the most important truths in the work. But as an explanation of why we feel as we do about Right and Wrong it just misses the point. If we ask: "Why ought I to be unselfish?" and you reply "Because it is good for society," we may then ask, "Why should I care what's good for society except when it happens to pay me personally?" and then you will have to say, "Because you ought to be unselfish"---which simply brings us back to where we started." I hear someone in trouble---I feel the instinct to help---I feel the instinct to save myself----I hear the Moral Law telling me: "Listen to the instinct that tells you to help." This is a law---a Voice---that is superior to me----that demands from me a standard of behavior that I did not set in place for myself (because I can't keep up with it)----it demands that I put aside my own need for my personal safety and look after another. I didn't create this law---this Voice----and yet I cannot dismiss it as mere "fancy" either----it is always with me---always demanding that I be better than I am ever capable of being..........."Men ought to be unselfish, ought to be fair. Not that men are unselfish, not that they like being unselfish, but that they ought to be." We find that the Moral Law is a real thing---"which none of us has made---but which we find pressing on us."
There is a Standard of Right and Wrong---someone, not us, set it in place....so what happens to us when we fail (and we will fail---over and over and over again) to live up to the Standard of Right. What happens to us when we break the Law---or when we sin? Most of us teach our children that there are consequences for our actions---it is easily observable to note that when we sin---when we screw up---there are repercussions---there is brokenness sown into our lives and into the lives of others. If I engage in patterns of selfishness--and think continually only of myself--eventually I will find that there won't be anyone who can stand my company---and I will be alone, with only myself---as is fitting when one remembers that myself is all I have chosen to care about or invest in. If I steal money or goods from a person--- perhaps I will be caught by the police and penalized in some form or fashion---perhaps not---perhaps the cost of my sin is paid only by the person I have stolen from---as they must live with an absence of funds or value that I have left through my theft. If I am unforgiving and vengeful---I sow into my own life hatefulness, stinginess, and an uncompromising ability to hold onto every bad thing that anyone has ever done to me---effectively paralyzing me in this hateful, vengeful place---where I am undoubtedly miserable and wretched. Not to mention that my behavior under these parameters would make anyone around me miserable and wretched as well. Sin has a cost---often a painful one. The worst consequence of sin that I can imagine is separation from God. If God is the only thing Good in this world.....how awful would it be to never know him. To be left only with the evil in our own hearts.....A Holy Good God cannot abide sin---Goodness and Evil aren't playing some worldwide cosmic game of chess---where Good and Evil engage in easy banter as they move their pieces around the board with a sense of friendly competition emanating from their lighthearted interactions-- as is sometimes depicted in films that try to explain the relationship between Good and Evil. Good and Evil----they're in battle---only God has really already called out "checkmate." The game should be over----but this tension, this time between when He wins and the time when He collects---that is drawn out only for love of us....
In Christianity---we acknowledge that sin has a cost. And it has to be paid. Timothy Keller explains this better than anyone with his analogy of the gate. He says---imagine that a car crashes into your gate and ruins it---leaves extensive damages---damages that will be expensive and costly to repair. Several things could happen next. In one scenario-- you as the owner of the property could demand that the driver give you the money to repair the gate---out of their own pocket---or through their trusted insurance company---whatever---you tell the driver that they are responsible for the damages---so they must pay up and fix what they have broken. In another scenario---you as the owner of the property could forgive the debt. You could choose not to demand payment---but rather pay for any damages yourself. In either scenario---there is still damage---there is a cost to repair that damage---it's just in the first scenario the person who created that damage must pay the cost and in the second scenario the person who had that damage inflicted upon their property agrees to pay the cost. Sin has a cost---our sin should separate us from the very Holy, Good God that we were created to glorify---to love --to fellowship with. But Christ....Christ agreed to pay that cost. The wages of sin is death. Christ died in our stead. Sin separates us from God. Christ allowed Himself to be separated from the Father----so that we wouldn't have to be separated from Him. Salvation isn't free----it cost a great deal---it's just that we aren't the ones being demanded to pay that price. Christ agreed to pay it for us. This is the gospel. This is the Good News---that gets muddled when people try to use God for their own agendas, to perpetuate their own hatefulness and bigotries. The Gospel Truth is that we have all sinned---we have all screwed up in more ways than we can count or even be aware of----but God still calls us Beloved---even though if God thought like man---God would have thrown up His hands and said--Fine---Live life the way you want to---You don't want to walk with me---Fine---walk it on your own---and Lemme know how that works out for you. God doesn't do that---God sees that we break everything we touch---and so God comes down. God becomes a baby---God lives a perfect life that we can't live---is tested in every way---measures up in all the ways that we could never measure up to----and He still stands Perfect. He gets the "A"----but he agrees to take on the consequences of our "F"---He agrees to pay the cost of our sin---so that we can know what it feels like to be reunited with our God, our Father. This is the Good News. This is what we should want to shout from the mountains. God loves us---He does not abandon us to ourselves---He comes after us---He pursues us--He pays our debts so that we can finally walk with Him.
It isn't a fairy tale. God isn't Tinkerbell---waiting for people to clap their hands and say that "Yes, we do believe in fairies." God is God---the Creator---the Judge---the Rescuer.....the Everything. He is all these things and more whether we believe in Him or not. He weaves in and out of our lives whether we invite Him to or not. He draws us to Him in different ways--whether we ask for Him to or not. Our God calls us Beloved---and He tries to gather us back to Him again---even though we may have already ruined everything He has already given us. Even though we might run from Him. He doesn't give up on us. He has--as my daughter's Jesus Storybook Bible calls it: A Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Always and Forever Love for us. And I don't want anyone to discount this or see it for less than what it is---because what it is----is amazing.
I should call this part 1---because there's more to say here. But I want to say to any non-believer reading this---don't dismiss God as a fairy tale---not until you really think things through. Don't shirk the important questions---is there a right or wrong? Who set a standard of right and wrong in place? What happens to us when we can't measure up to that Voice that is telling us to always do better than what we are capable of? Do I have sin? Does it have consequences---does it have cost? Is there someone who can/will pay that cost for me if it is too great for me to pay? Follow the logic behind the questions---and don't dismiss God until you have studied Him and seeked after His ways. But know that even if you do dismiss Him---He won't dismiss you. He won't give up on you. He will never stop loving you.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Three years ago today....
Three years ago today.....
We were at Target picking up groceries when we got the call that sent us into a frenzy of excited movement. It was time to go to the hospital. The child that had been matched with us was here. It was time.
Three years ago today---we held Miriam for the first time. I was elated----and terrified---at the same time. She was so small---she seemed fragile--(Don't break her---don't break her reverberated in a silent chant through my mind) She was beautiful---with her dark hair and big eyes. Tiny, wrinkled fingers. Tiny, wrinkled toes. How could anything be so small---so precious. Stuart's face was gentle---kind---in love with his daughter. Stuart is a quiet person---but one should never mistake a quiet person for an unfeeling one. I have never known a person one who loves--- as unconditionally, without any regard for himself whatsoever---as wholly as my husband. And in that quiet moment---which wasn't really quiet---but surrounded by a flurry of activity (sometimes quiet is something that happens on the inside---I really believe there are times when God slows everything down---just for you---and says---don't miss this---because it's Good)----Stuart met the tiny person he'd loved all along---and so did I. And it was Good---it was beautiful.
Three years ago today----I paced the halls of a hospital for the entirety of the night---awake and unsure what to do with myself. C had asked that I stay the night---so I did. I watched M through the glass. I watched the other babies---I watched the other mothers rolling in wheelchairs through the hallways. Three years ago today---a lot of things happened that were frightening---coming really face to face with the brokenness that is at the root of adoption is an experience I will never forget---it is forever a part of me. It was heartbreaking, scary----and a little lonely.
Three years ago today---God took care of me. Even though whatever heartache I had must have been insignificant when compared to the heartache of Miriam's biological mother----God still was undeniably with me. He was present in my family---He was present in the nurses----He was present. And when I wasn't looking for Him---- He was looking for me. Three years ago God cared for me in my weakness---and He cared for Stuart.
Three years ago-----C told us---"This child was conceived in your heart long before she was conceived in my womb. She is your child----don't let anyone ever tell you differently." Three years ago----in a hospital room---there were a lot of tears.
Three years ago----not to the day---but it all runs together----we heard from the adoption agency that there was a very real possibility that C might decide to parent Miriam after all---(there is a revocation period where the biological parent can change their minds about placing the child for adoption)---that she was having second thoughts. The adoption agency asked if we would like to put Miriam in interim care to protect our hearts. But we couldn't do it----we said again----we will love her as if she is ours for as long as she's ours-----and we hope that will be for a very long time. Stuart sat in the recliner holding Miriam----her fingers reached up for his face---curling and uncurling----and I watched my husband cry in silence. Three years ago---we learned that the deepest vein of love doesn't taper off just because there's a possibility that a beloved person might not always be nearby---the deepest vein of love runs without ceasing----cannot be deterred by any circumstances----it is an unconditional love----the one we can only really understand when we reflect on God's unconditional love for us.....we got to feel a shadow of that kind of love when we first loved Miriam....
Three years ago----we learned that Miriam would stay with us---that she would be our family. Three years ago---we celebrated Miriam.
Today---we celebrate her again---we thank God for her again. Miriam is spunky--determined---sassy. She is already full of compassion. If she sees another child hurt or crying---she is always running over to them---patting on the back. She has been known to kiss boo-boos---murmur soothingly---"It's okay."----or just be sad with them---"Baby's crying"---she will say sadly. Miriam is outgoing---everywhere we go---she greets everyone with a cheerful "Hi!" and a wave----and when they leave (the restaurant, the store, wherever)---she tells them "Bye, bye!" Miriam loves to sit on the "big bed" (our bed) and cuddle up for Backyardigans or Angelina Ballerina. She loves her grandparents---her aunt Nikki---her Uncle Jake---and Aunt Kelly who she rarely sees but she remembers from past meetings and asks to look at pictures of--- to the umpteenth degree---I sometimes think she will burst from the excitement she feels when she sees them. She loves her friends---who really should be called family---like Karen, Penny, Kristy, Ashley---to the same crazy degree. I love that she loves---so stinking hard---and with every fiber of her little self. She just loves totally---without abandon. That's my favorite thing about her--- that she loves fiercely.
Today---I say a prayer---thank you God---for our little firecracker, Miriam. Thank you for making her just the way she is. Thank you for letting us be her parents. Thank you for walking through every step of the adoption journey with us. Thank you for loving us unconditionally. Thanks be to God for the family you have brought together----and simultaneously---I pray for Your peace---the peace that surpasses our understanding---to pass over what was broken----what was lost---and may Your hand heal.
Happy Birthday to Miriam. We love you 8 better than a snake. :)
We were at Target picking up groceries when we got the call that sent us into a frenzy of excited movement. It was time to go to the hospital. The child that had been matched with us was here. It was time.
Three years ago today---we held Miriam for the first time. I was elated----and terrified---at the same time. She was so small---she seemed fragile--(Don't break her---don't break her reverberated in a silent chant through my mind) She was beautiful---with her dark hair and big eyes. Tiny, wrinkled fingers. Tiny, wrinkled toes. How could anything be so small---so precious. Stuart's face was gentle---kind---in love with his daughter. Stuart is a quiet person---but one should never mistake a quiet person for an unfeeling one. I have never known a person one who loves--- as unconditionally, without any regard for himself whatsoever---as wholly as my husband. And in that quiet moment---which wasn't really quiet---but surrounded by a flurry of activity (sometimes quiet is something that happens on the inside---I really believe there are times when God slows everything down---just for you---and says---don't miss this---because it's Good)----Stuart met the tiny person he'd loved all along---and so did I. And it was Good---it was beautiful.
Three years ago today----I paced the halls of a hospital for the entirety of the night---awake and unsure what to do with myself. C had asked that I stay the night---so I did. I watched M through the glass. I watched the other babies---I watched the other mothers rolling in wheelchairs through the hallways. Three years ago today---a lot of things happened that were frightening---coming really face to face with the brokenness that is at the root of adoption is an experience I will never forget---it is forever a part of me. It was heartbreaking, scary----and a little lonely.
Three years ago today---God took care of me. Even though whatever heartache I had must have been insignificant when compared to the heartache of Miriam's biological mother----God still was undeniably with me. He was present in my family---He was present in the nurses----He was present. And when I wasn't looking for Him---- He was looking for me. Three years ago God cared for me in my weakness---and He cared for Stuart.
Three years ago-----C told us---"This child was conceived in your heart long before she was conceived in my womb. She is your child----don't let anyone ever tell you differently." Three years ago----in a hospital room---there were a lot of tears.
Three years ago----not to the day---but it all runs together----we heard from the adoption agency that there was a very real possibility that C might decide to parent Miriam after all---(there is a revocation period where the biological parent can change their minds about placing the child for adoption)---that she was having second thoughts. The adoption agency asked if we would like to put Miriam in interim care to protect our hearts. But we couldn't do it----we said again----we will love her as if she is ours for as long as she's ours-----and we hope that will be for a very long time. Stuart sat in the recliner holding Miriam----her fingers reached up for his face---curling and uncurling----and I watched my husband cry in silence. Three years ago---we learned that the deepest vein of love doesn't taper off just because there's a possibility that a beloved person might not always be nearby---the deepest vein of love runs without ceasing----cannot be deterred by any circumstances----it is an unconditional love----the one we can only really understand when we reflect on God's unconditional love for us.....we got to feel a shadow of that kind of love when we first loved Miriam....
Three years ago----we learned that Miriam would stay with us---that she would be our family. Three years ago---we celebrated Miriam.
Today---we celebrate her again---we thank God for her again. Miriam is spunky--determined---sassy. She is already full of compassion. If she sees another child hurt or crying---she is always running over to them---patting on the back. She has been known to kiss boo-boos---murmur soothingly---"It's okay."----or just be sad with them---"Baby's crying"---she will say sadly. Miriam is outgoing---everywhere we go---she greets everyone with a cheerful "Hi!" and a wave----and when they leave (the restaurant, the store, wherever)---she tells them "Bye, bye!" Miriam loves to sit on the "big bed" (our bed) and cuddle up for Backyardigans or Angelina Ballerina. She loves her grandparents---her aunt Nikki---her Uncle Jake---and Aunt Kelly who she rarely sees but she remembers from past meetings and asks to look at pictures of--- to the umpteenth degree---I sometimes think she will burst from the excitement she feels when she sees them. She loves her friends---who really should be called family---like Karen, Penny, Kristy, Ashley---to the same crazy degree. I love that she loves---so stinking hard---and with every fiber of her little self. She just loves totally---without abandon. That's my favorite thing about her--- that she loves fiercely.
Today---I say a prayer---thank you God---for our little firecracker, Miriam. Thank you for making her just the way she is. Thank you for letting us be her parents. Thank you for walking through every step of the adoption journey with us. Thank you for loving us unconditionally. Thanks be to God for the family you have brought together----and simultaneously---I pray for Your peace---the peace that surpasses our understanding---to pass over what was broken----what was lost---and may Your hand heal.
Happy Birthday to Miriam. We love you 8 better than a snake. :)
Friday, April 18, 2014
Easter 2014
Easter is a time that always knocks me off-kilter----off balance. Here I am---living life and getting worked up over petty things that don't matter----handling things that do matter as if they don't----thinking critical thoughts of myself and others---all carried away with my own little microcosm. And here comes Easter. Good Friday in particular----remember what Christ did so that you could walk with God---so that you can live a life that reflects that walk---so that you can have a relationship with the only purely good God that ever is or was or will be. Remember. It should knock me off kilter---it should put my sights back on God----and there is nothing remotely balanced about God.
If you profess faith in Christ---people look at you closely. Some people look at you closely to find your faults---to find your pettiness----and that way they can dismiss your faith as faulty and petty. Some people look at you closely because it strengthens their own sense of worth---of self-righteousness---when they find you to be lacking. And some people are Christians too---and they think---as Christians---we should be better than that---we should stand apart---we know better than to act that way.
And when I say some people---I put myself under that broad umbrella term too. I think it's easy to look for reasons to dismiss people--other Christians---or just other people even. Because people are messy----people are hard to deal with. People can be downright infuriating. Isn't it sometimes easier to walk away?
This time of year--I remember that God didn't dismiss me because I'm messy---because I'm too hard to deal with. God didn't dismiss me because I'm infuriating. I'm stuck on "Howl's Moving Castle" here again. I think about Sophie---who was cursed and turned from a young, healthy woman into a 90 year old woman with one swift spell. The curse is actually broken very early on in the story---but Sophie keeps herself old by her own will. As the story progresses---sometimes she lets go---and you see her briefly as young again. But over and over, she reverts back to the 90 year old woman because it takes her forever and a day to really understand---the curse is broken. The only thing keeping you this way is you. I'm the same way---I have moments---sometimes only seconds a day---where I live in the freedom that Christ died to give me. And then I revert back---living under my own curse---instead of in the peace---in the joy---that is a life where you walk with God. It's ridiculous---it's infuriating---I haven't wandered 40 years in the desert yet---but there's a part of me that understands the inclination. The human inclination to do life on your own. But God doesn't dismiss me----he is always there. He doesn't dismiss any of us. He knows we aren't perfect---he knows that we can never be complete without Him---He knows that we can't live a perfect life. So He does it for us---He becomes human---He feels thirst, hunger, pain---the anguish of the cross---where God turns His back on Christ---where Christ experiences the separation from God--so that we don't have to.
This time of year---I remind myself---don't dismiss people because they're messy. Remember God's love, God's patience, God's kindness to you. And pray for a heart that can extend that Grace to others. I remind myself---pray without ceasing to live a life that reflect God's love and God's grace. And yet I'd also like to remind others----don't dismiss Christ because Christians aren't perfect. Folks----Christians are Christians because they understand how completely imperfect they are. That's it---we love what is Good---yet we can never be completely Good. Christ bridges the gap for us. And though loving God makes us want to be Good---we aren't always going to be successful. Speaking for myself---MOST of the time---I'm not going to be successful. My hope is never in myself---it lies only in the unflinching, unconditional, sacrificial love of God.
This time of year---I remind myself----spend less time looking at yourself---or at others---and take a good hard look at the cross. The cross where my curse was broken---the cross where your curse was broken. Stop living tethered to perceptions of your sin---of my sin. God paid our debt---why I can be so intent on keeping a running tab is beyond me----unfathomable---at the foot of the cross.
If you profess faith in Christ---people look at you closely. Some people look at you closely to find your faults---to find your pettiness----and that way they can dismiss your faith as faulty and petty. Some people look at you closely because it strengthens their own sense of worth---of self-righteousness---when they find you to be lacking. And some people are Christians too---and they think---as Christians---we should be better than that---we should stand apart---we know better than to act that way.
And when I say some people---I put myself under that broad umbrella term too. I think it's easy to look for reasons to dismiss people--other Christians---or just other people even. Because people are messy----people are hard to deal with. People can be downright infuriating. Isn't it sometimes easier to walk away?
This time of year--I remember that God didn't dismiss me because I'm messy---because I'm too hard to deal with. God didn't dismiss me because I'm infuriating. I'm stuck on "Howl's Moving Castle" here again. I think about Sophie---who was cursed and turned from a young, healthy woman into a 90 year old woman with one swift spell. The curse is actually broken very early on in the story---but Sophie keeps herself old by her own will. As the story progresses---sometimes she lets go---and you see her briefly as young again. But over and over, she reverts back to the 90 year old woman because it takes her forever and a day to really understand---the curse is broken. The only thing keeping you this way is you. I'm the same way---I have moments---sometimes only seconds a day---where I live in the freedom that Christ died to give me. And then I revert back---living under my own curse---instead of in the peace---in the joy---that is a life where you walk with God. It's ridiculous---it's infuriating---I haven't wandered 40 years in the desert yet---but there's a part of me that understands the inclination. The human inclination to do life on your own. But God doesn't dismiss me----he is always there. He doesn't dismiss any of us. He knows we aren't perfect---he knows that we can never be complete without Him---He knows that we can't live a perfect life. So He does it for us---He becomes human---He feels thirst, hunger, pain---the anguish of the cross---where God turns His back on Christ---where Christ experiences the separation from God--so that we don't have to.
This time of year---I remind myself---don't dismiss people because they're messy. Remember God's love, God's patience, God's kindness to you. And pray for a heart that can extend that Grace to others. I remind myself---pray without ceasing to live a life that reflect God's love and God's grace. And yet I'd also like to remind others----don't dismiss Christ because Christians aren't perfect. Folks----Christians are Christians because they understand how completely imperfect they are. That's it---we love what is Good---yet we can never be completely Good. Christ bridges the gap for us. And though loving God makes us want to be Good---we aren't always going to be successful. Speaking for myself---MOST of the time---I'm not going to be successful. My hope is never in myself---it lies only in the unflinching, unconditional, sacrificial love of God.
This time of year---I remind myself----spend less time looking at yourself---or at others---and take a good hard look at the cross. The cross where my curse was broken---the cross where your curse was broken. Stop living tethered to perceptions of your sin---of my sin. God paid our debt---why I can be so intent on keeping a running tab is beyond me----unfathomable---at the foot of the cross.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
On being significantly overweight....
I watched Howl's Moving Castle last week----and it really struck a chord in me. In it--you meet Sophie---the eldest daughter of her family. She works quietly, diligently---in a hat shop. Her sisters go out and make different lives for themselves---and one of them asks her "Sophie, is this really what you want for yourself?" And Sophie responds by reiterating that she is the eldest daughter---this is what her father would have wanted---she doesn't mind, etc. The story world accepts witches and wizards as commonplace----and the beginning villainess of the piece is the Witch of the Waste. In the movie, the witch of the waste transforms Sophie into an old woman out of jealousy after Howl (the wizard with the moving castle) shows an interest in Sophie. Though at first Sophie is upset about her youth being taken from her in one swift spell----she accepts her new appearance and age remarkably quickly. She says things like "Well now---this isn't so bad---your clothes finally suit you." And she seems even happier when she realizes that staying and working in the hat shop wouldn't work out now that no one would recognize her. She escapes her sense of obligation and sets the course of her life in a completely different direction. Sophie meets up with Howl again after her transformation---and he attempts to break the curse that was put upon her. And though her appearance remains the same----it's my understanding that he did break the curse. What isn't readily apparent at first is that Sophie has a magic of her own---and that for the majority of the movie (though she doesn't realize it)---she is the only one who is keeping herself an old woman---because deep down she thought that being an old woman had its perks---it allowed her to go about her business without unwanted attention---it gave her an escape from a life she didn't choose but felt obligated to accept----it gave her an odd kind of courage: "One of the nice things about being old is that you're no longer afraid of anything." She spends an inordinate amount of time trying to find a way to break a spell that she herself had cast.....
Everyone has vices---everyone has faults----when you're significantly overweight----it isn't hard for the people around you to see that you struggle with eating too much---or moving too little---or maybe it's just setting and abiding by limits for yourself. It isn't an invisible vice, I suppose is what I'm trying to say. It's a problem on the inside that shows up in an obvious way on the outside. I have been at a healthy weight before---I have been significantly overweight before. People don't really talk about their views regarding overweight people to overweight people. But when you're at a healthy weight---other people at a healthy weight say things to you. I've heard people say of significantly overweight people: "I just don't understand how anyone could do this to themselves. I mean---it's a choice. Just stop eating---and the weight will go away." And the truth is---they are right. Being significantly overweight---it's just like Sophie's spell---I cast it myself. And maybe on some level---it was inadvertent---but for me---I think there are things that I kind of enjoy about being overweight. (This is true for me---I'm not speaking of anyone else) I've found that the following things are true for me when I am overweight---1--people are more careful what they say to me (and this also means that relationships are surface only relationships---part of me likes this because real relationships take a lot of work) 2--It gives me an odd kind of courage. Being significantly overweight will help you grow a thick skin---though most people who are in your day to day world are kind and supportive---when you're out in the world, some strangers feel free--or uninhibited enough---to make derogatory comments regarding your appearance. And to protect yourself--- you begin to care very little (or at least pretend to care very little) about what other people think. To some extent---I know this can be a good thing---but taken to the extreme---it hardens a heart. 3---It gives me an excuse to sit on the sidelines---which is less scary than participating in life---or in intentionally living a purposeful, God- driven life. I'm beginning to realize that a frightening thing about idols is that they don't just distract you from seeking God (as if that weren't bad enough)---they lead your heart---direct it---change it---and not in a good way.....And if you try to fix them by yourself----you tend to just find another idol to replace the old one.....and it might even take a great deal of time to realize that you're right back where you started. Fill up your heart with anything but God----and you're going to have a sickly heart---a hardened heart----a broken heart....
A couple of Easters back---one of our pastors gave us this illustration---he asked if we had ever seen elephants at the circus---had we ever noticed how these giant creatures were kept in check by a mere post on the ground. Why doesn't the elephant just take a purposeful step??? It could easily rip the tether binding it to the post in the ground with very little effort. And then he said he found out that trainers will begin binding the elephant to the post when it is a baby----and too small to break free. The baby elephant will strain and pull and try to get away----but will be unable to do so. Eventually---it will give up. And even when the elephant is grown and stronger---it will continue to believe that it can not break free from its tether---because it couldn't before---it must not be able to do so now either....And he said that we can be the same way. Maybe we have tried to break free of sin before---we have tried on our own to stop our self-destructive habits on our own----and we were unable to do so. We live a defeated life. And sometimes---even after we have invited Christ into our hearts---even though God can free us from any chains that would bind us----we remember the time when we could not break free on our own---and we continue to live a defeated life even though God has already broken us free. And that's why it's so important to remind ourselves daily---of what Christ has done. We have the strength to live life as a child of God---we are forgiven----and the new Spirit within us can do what the old spirit could not.....
I'm writing this to remind myself. A couple of weeks ago--- I kind of just gave up----I thought I can't do this anymore---I don't even want to. There are some things about being overweight that I actually like.....
I picked up Howl's Moving Castle on a whim----and that one little animated film somehow reminded me----I may have cursed myself----but God has broken it already. I just have to remember the truth---that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And sometimes the only voice that is telling me that I can't is my own--- And leading a defeated life is not what I want---what I want is to be free. And that freedom is found only in the pursuit of God and the work of His kingdom.
I watched Howl's Moving Castle last week----and it really struck a chord in me. In it--you meet Sophie---the eldest daughter of her family. She works quietly, diligently---in a hat shop. Her sisters go out and make different lives for themselves---and one of them asks her "Sophie, is this really what you want for yourself?" And Sophie responds by reiterating that she is the eldest daughter---this is what her father would have wanted---she doesn't mind, etc. The story world accepts witches and wizards as commonplace----and the beginning villainess of the piece is the Witch of the Waste. In the movie, the witch of the waste transforms Sophie into an old woman out of jealousy after Howl (the wizard with the moving castle) shows an interest in Sophie. Though at first Sophie is upset about her youth being taken from her in one swift spell----she accepts her new appearance and age remarkably quickly. She says things like "Well now---this isn't so bad---your clothes finally suit you." And she seems even happier when she realizes that staying and working in the hat shop wouldn't work out now that no one would recognize her. She escapes her sense of obligation and sets the course of her life in a completely different direction. Sophie meets up with Howl again after her transformation---and he attempts to break the curse that was put upon her. And though her appearance remains the same----it's my understanding that he did break the curse. What isn't readily apparent at first is that Sophie has a magic of her own---and that for the majority of the movie (though she doesn't realize it)---she is the only one who is keeping herself an old woman---because deep down she thought that being an old woman had its perks---it allowed her to go about her business without unwanted attention---it gave her an escape from a life she didn't choose but felt obligated to accept----it gave her an odd kind of courage: "One of the nice things about being old is that you're no longer afraid of anything." She spends an inordinate amount of time trying to find a way to break a spell that she herself had cast.....
Everyone has vices---everyone has faults----when you're significantly overweight----it isn't hard for the people around you to see that you struggle with eating too much---or moving too little---or maybe it's just setting and abiding by limits for yourself. It isn't an invisible vice, I suppose is what I'm trying to say. It's a problem on the inside that shows up in an obvious way on the outside. I have been at a healthy weight before---I have been significantly overweight before. People don't really talk about their views regarding overweight people to overweight people. But when you're at a healthy weight---other people at a healthy weight say things to you. I've heard people say of significantly overweight people: "I just don't understand how anyone could do this to themselves. I mean---it's a choice. Just stop eating---and the weight will go away." And the truth is---they are right. Being significantly overweight---it's just like Sophie's spell---I cast it myself. And maybe on some level---it was inadvertent---but for me---I think there are things that I kind of enjoy about being overweight. (This is true for me---I'm not speaking of anyone else) I've found that the following things are true for me when I am overweight---1--people are more careful what they say to me (and this also means that relationships are surface only relationships---part of me likes this because real relationships take a lot of work) 2--It gives me an odd kind of courage. Being significantly overweight will help you grow a thick skin---though most people who are in your day to day world are kind and supportive---when you're out in the world, some strangers feel free--or uninhibited enough---to make derogatory comments regarding your appearance. And to protect yourself--- you begin to care very little (or at least pretend to care very little) about what other people think. To some extent---I know this can be a good thing---but taken to the extreme---it hardens a heart. 3---It gives me an excuse to sit on the sidelines---which is less scary than participating in life---or in intentionally living a purposeful, God- driven life. I'm beginning to realize that a frightening thing about idols is that they don't just distract you from seeking God (as if that weren't bad enough)---they lead your heart---direct it---change it---and not in a good way.....And if you try to fix them by yourself----you tend to just find another idol to replace the old one.....and it might even take a great deal of time to realize that you're right back where you started. Fill up your heart with anything but God----and you're going to have a sickly heart---a hardened heart----a broken heart....
A couple of Easters back---one of our pastors gave us this illustration---he asked if we had ever seen elephants at the circus---had we ever noticed how these giant creatures were kept in check by a mere post on the ground. Why doesn't the elephant just take a purposeful step??? It could easily rip the tether binding it to the post in the ground with very little effort. And then he said he found out that trainers will begin binding the elephant to the post when it is a baby----and too small to break free. The baby elephant will strain and pull and try to get away----but will be unable to do so. Eventually---it will give up. And even when the elephant is grown and stronger---it will continue to believe that it can not break free from its tether---because it couldn't before---it must not be able to do so now either....And he said that we can be the same way. Maybe we have tried to break free of sin before---we have tried on our own to stop our self-destructive habits on our own----and we were unable to do so. We live a defeated life. And sometimes---even after we have invited Christ into our hearts---even though God can free us from any chains that would bind us----we remember the time when we could not break free on our own---and we continue to live a defeated life even though God has already broken us free. And that's why it's so important to remind ourselves daily---of what Christ has done. We have the strength to live life as a child of God---we are forgiven----and the new Spirit within us can do what the old spirit could not.....
I'm writing this to remind myself. A couple of weeks ago--- I kind of just gave up----I thought I can't do this anymore---I don't even want to. There are some things about being overweight that I actually like.....
I picked up Howl's Moving Castle on a whim----and that one little animated film somehow reminded me----I may have cursed myself----but God has broken it already. I just have to remember the truth---that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And sometimes the only voice that is telling me that I can't is my own--- And leading a defeated life is not what I want---what I want is to be free. And that freedom is found only in the pursuit of God and the work of His kingdom.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Just a quick check in day. I lost 2.5 lbs this week---totaling about 17 in all since the beginning of January. It becomes more and more apparent to me that God is the only way that this is possible for me. When I ask God to lend me strength of spirit to break down these unhealthy (both physically and spiritually unhealthy) dependences---He really does lend me this strength. So, that's a praise and a blessing. And I'm grateful. I finished exercising one day---and I just thought---I feel like I can breathe again---I feel like a person again---a person who knows the difference between what matters and what doesn't. And that feeling of freedom----more than even the numbers on the scale----that is incentive to keep going.
Internet has been spotty at home all week---so haven't been able to really stay online long enough to post much this week.....It's been a somewhat challenging week. However, every time I start to feel bogged down and just overwhelmed----perspective finds me. As I've been tempted to compare myself to others---to find myself sorely lacking----a sense of calm overrides the encroaching panic. I am who I am---I have strengths---I have weaknesses. But my identity rests in neither of those---but only in Christ. And day by day---it isn't about trying to be as good as or better than someone else---but just doing the best with what God gives me---and hoping to live a life that somehow reflects back just a little of His goodness---His light. I'm grateful for these reassurances from a God who sees me---all of me---and still chooses to hold my hand during these moments of insecurity and fear---no matter how trivial they are when looked at under the magnifying glass.
Miriam has taken to repeating: "Jesus loves me" many times throughout the day. And this makes my heart happy. (We'll focus on that and not the "MY Jesus!" where she uses the same emotion for MY as when she's claiming a favorite crayon or block..... Hahahahaha. Oh toddler time---it's always fun. :) Love my sweet girl.)
Internet has been spotty at home all week---so haven't been able to really stay online long enough to post much this week.....It's been a somewhat challenging week. However, every time I start to feel bogged down and just overwhelmed----perspective finds me. As I've been tempted to compare myself to others---to find myself sorely lacking----a sense of calm overrides the encroaching panic. I am who I am---I have strengths---I have weaknesses. But my identity rests in neither of those---but only in Christ. And day by day---it isn't about trying to be as good as or better than someone else---but just doing the best with what God gives me---and hoping to live a life that somehow reflects back just a little of His goodness---His light. I'm grateful for these reassurances from a God who sees me---all of me---and still chooses to hold my hand during these moments of insecurity and fear---no matter how trivial they are when looked at under the magnifying glass.
Miriam has taken to repeating: "Jesus loves me" many times throughout the day. And this makes my heart happy. (We'll focus on that and not the "MY Jesus!" where she uses the same emotion for MY as when she's claiming a favorite crayon or block..... Hahahahaha. Oh toddler time---it's always fun. :) Love my sweet girl.)
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