On being significantly overweight....
I watched Howl's Moving Castle last week----and it really struck a chord in me. In it--you meet Sophie---the eldest daughter of her family. She works quietly, diligently---in a hat shop. Her sisters go out and make different lives for themselves---and one of them asks her "Sophie, is this really what you want for yourself?" And Sophie responds by reiterating that she is the eldest daughter---this is what her father would have wanted---she doesn't mind, etc. The story world accepts witches and wizards as commonplace----and the beginning villainess of the piece is the Witch of the Waste. In the movie, the witch of the waste transforms Sophie into an old woman out of jealousy after Howl (the wizard with the moving castle) shows an interest in Sophie. Though at first Sophie is upset about her youth being taken from her in one swift spell----she accepts her new appearance and age remarkably quickly. She says things like "Well now---this isn't so bad---your clothes finally suit you." And she seems even happier when she realizes that staying and working in the hat shop wouldn't work out now that no one would recognize her. She escapes her sense of obligation and sets the course of her life in a completely different direction. Sophie meets up with Howl again after her transformation---and he attempts to break the curse that was put upon her. And though her appearance remains the same----it's my understanding that he did break the curse. What isn't readily apparent at first is that Sophie has a magic of her own---and that for the majority of the movie (though she doesn't realize it)---she is the only one who is keeping herself an old woman---because deep down she thought that being an old woman had its perks---it allowed her to go about her business without unwanted attention---it gave her an escape from a life she didn't choose but felt obligated to accept----it gave her an odd kind of courage: "One of the nice things about being old is that you're no longer afraid of anything." She spends an inordinate amount of time trying to find a way to break a spell that she herself had cast.....
Everyone has vices---everyone has faults----when you're significantly overweight----it isn't hard for the people around you to see that you struggle with eating too much---or moving too little---or maybe it's just setting and abiding by limits for yourself. It isn't an invisible vice, I suppose is what I'm trying to say. It's a problem on the inside that shows up in an obvious way on the outside. I have been at a healthy weight before---I have been significantly overweight before. People don't really talk about their views regarding overweight people to overweight people. But when you're at a healthy weight---other people at a healthy weight say things to you. I've heard people say of significantly overweight people: "I just don't understand how anyone could do this to themselves. I mean---it's a choice. Just stop eating---and the weight will go away." And the truth is---they are right. Being significantly overweight---it's just like Sophie's spell---I cast it myself. And maybe on some level---it was inadvertent---but for me---I think there are things that I kind of enjoy about being overweight. (This is true for me---I'm not speaking of anyone else) I've found that the following things are true for me when I am overweight---1--people are more careful what they say to me (and this also means that relationships are surface only relationships---part of me likes this because real relationships take a lot of work) 2--It gives me an odd kind of courage. Being significantly overweight will help you grow a thick skin---though most people who are in your day to day world are kind and supportive---when you're out in the world, some strangers feel free--or uninhibited enough---to make derogatory comments regarding your appearance. And to protect yourself--- you begin to care very little (or at least pretend to care very little) about what other people think. To some extent---I know this can be a good thing---but taken to the extreme---it hardens a heart. 3---It gives me an excuse to sit on the sidelines---which is less scary than participating in life---or in intentionally living a purposeful, God- driven life. I'm beginning to realize that a frightening thing about idols is that they don't just distract you from seeking God (as if that weren't bad enough)---they lead your heart---direct it---change it---and not in a good way.....And if you try to fix them by yourself----you tend to just find another idol to replace the old one.....and it might even take a great deal of time to realize that you're right back where you started. Fill up your heart with anything but God----and you're going to have a sickly heart---a hardened heart----a broken heart....
A couple of Easters back---one of our pastors gave us this illustration---he asked if we had ever seen elephants at the circus---had we ever noticed how these giant creatures were kept in check by a mere post on the ground. Why doesn't the elephant just take a purposeful step??? It could easily rip the tether binding it to the post in the ground with very little effort. And then he said he found out that trainers will begin binding the elephant to the post when it is a baby----and too small to break free. The baby elephant will strain and pull and try to get away----but will be unable to do so. Eventually---it will give up. And even when the elephant is grown and stronger---it will continue to believe that it can not break free from its tether---because it couldn't before---it must not be able to do so now either....And he said that we can be the same way. Maybe we have tried to break free of sin before---we have tried on our own to stop our self-destructive habits on our own----and we were unable to do so. We live a defeated life. And sometimes---even after we have invited Christ into our hearts---even though God can free us from any chains that would bind us----we remember the time when we could not break free on our own---and we continue to live a defeated life even though God has already broken us free. And that's why it's so important to remind ourselves daily---of what Christ has done. We have the strength to live life as a child of God---we are forgiven----and the new Spirit within us can do what the old spirit could not.....
I'm writing this to remind myself. A couple of weeks ago--- I kind of just gave up----I thought I can't do this anymore---I don't even want to. There are some things about being overweight that I actually like.....
I picked up Howl's Moving Castle on a whim----and that one little animated film somehow reminded me----I may have cursed myself----but God has broken it already. I just have to remember the truth---that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And sometimes the only voice that is telling me that I can't is my own--- And leading a defeated life is not what I want---what I want is to be free. And that freedom is found only in the pursuit of God and the work of His kingdom.
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