Thanksgiving with family

 Yesterday, I spent the morning with Iggy bird and Miriam.  We talked and laughed together a lot of the morning.  Iggy bird loves pajama pants---and perched himself on either my fuzzy pants or Miriam's fuzzy pants and occasionally said: "Pretty bird" or "Hey baby"  or "Iggy!"  Lots of Miriam giggles.  We slowly set out the snow village on the mantel place----only a couple of the pieces still light up----and the skaters on the skating rink no longer skate.  But we still love it.  

I keep a cluttered house.  Occasionally, I try to improve on the clutter---but mostly it just gets relocated.  And I kind of like the clutter.  It feels like home.  But I am enjoying the living room---with the Christmas tree and the snow village and the stockings all hung.  Christmas is coming.  

I got a UTI on Thanksgiving Day---and ended up at a minor med begging for medicine.  Thanksgiving Day---the day Stu, and Miriam, and I all spent at home---I really thought---I don't think I'm going anywhere tomorrow either.  I felt terrible.  Apparently drinking lemon zinger tea was NOT a great idea.  I thought it would work as a diuretic and flush out the system.....citrus is apparently one of the worst things you can ingest when you are dealing with that particular problem.  Should have googled that BEFORE drinking all that tea.  But after the google search---and switching to water---I felt much better.  And was able to sleep mostly through the night.  And was fine the next day.  

The day after Thanksgiving---we had the chance to go to my parents' house.  Dad had cooked turkey and ham.  And mom had made her dressing, vegetable medley, and sweet potato casserole.  I brought cherry salad that Stu's mom made to share.  Mom made a strawberry cake for Stu's birthday---and there were gluten free cookies for Nikki----and a chocolate chess pie too.  

Friday---is eat what you want for dinner day for me.  I am trying very hard to get down to the weight bone doctor lady wants me to be in order to safely run again.  So---I've mostly been eating celery and salad and boiled eggs it feels like.  But on Friday night---I eat what I want.  You have to build in your cheats, you know.  And Thanksgiving Dinner is a good cheat meal.  Miriam filled up on Vegetable Medley and cranberry sauce.  I enjoyed Stu's strawberry cake along with a piece of chess pie.  I think I am still full from all the food we ate yesterday.  

Joshua spent a lot of the night watching Gran's iphone---a portion of Dinosaur Train that he likes to play over and over again.  When Jacob had had enough---he took the phone away---and Joshua moved on to working the puzzle Mom and Dad had set out for him.  It amazes me how well he is able to work these puzzles.  He got pulled into his daddy's lap and gave Jacob the most beautiful smile.  The same for his momma.  And then for Gran and Poppa too.  Joshua's smile can melt anyone's heart, I think.  

Miriam spent a lot of the night out in the backyard with Dad and Dolly.  She threw Dolly's toys for her---and Dolly chased to her heart's content.

By the time we got home---we were all tired and happy and full.   It was good to be together.  

Now there are 3 weeks of school before we are out for Christmas.  I am knitting socks frantically to try and finish them for Christmas presents.  But it gives me an excuse to watch Hallmark Christmas movies while I work.  I'm hoping to crochet some dishcloths too---if I can remember how to crochet.  I haven't made those is quite some time---but they are some of my favorites to make once I get started.  So I'll watch my little tutorials again and get started.

It's weird not to be in the middle of putting together the Christmas musical this year.  In some ways, it is nice to be a little more laid back this time of year.  In some ways, it doesn't really feel like Christmas without it.  But it does mean more time at home with my family---and that's good right now.    

Thanksgiving 2020

 Thanksgiving 2020

I've been waking up early.  3:30---4 am.  And yesterday was no different.  I got up and turned on the news---drank my coffee---Stu and M still sleeping.  I've been writing my gratitude list this month---and it varies from day to day.  Sometimes the grateful thoughts are easy to find and sit close to the surface---sometimes I have to intentionally look for them. 

But here are some things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for the good health of my family.  Health challenges have presented themselves to several people I love this year---serious health challenges---and thankfully, those loved ones have come out ok.  Continued prayers for healing go out---as health is an ever-changing dynamic.  But---right now---in this moment----they are doing ok.  And I'm grateful for that.

I'm grateful for this time with Miriam----this week off school.  We are adopting a greyhound (hopefully, if all goes well)---and the box for Finn's bed was HUGE.  Miriam made a spaceship out of it----decorating it with markers----and gluing old buttons to the inside for a control panel.  3-2-1 blastoff.  She names planets and dwarf planets (what are dwarf planets? I had to google to find out she wasn't just making up strange names--thank you, space week at school).  

I'm grateful for story time in the bedroom.  Miriam brings Iggy (our little bird) and a bag full of books in the bedroom and we snuggle and read Christmas books together. I maintain Miriam is more entertained by Iggy trying to eat the pages than she is by the actual stories---but still---she will let me read to her for an hour or more---and my heart is full during these times.  These times will not last forever.  I am grateful for this sweetness.  I cooked a small Thanksgiving meal for Stu, Miriam, and I.  I don't know how to cook a turkey (oh the shame)---so I just made chicken and dressing (my mom's recipe), sweet potato casserole (Stu's mom's recipe), and vegetable medley (my aunt Carmen's recipe). I didn't eat it.  Because I'm saving up to have a real Thanksgiving meal the day after Thanksgiving with my family.  But Miriam helped me cook---and by helped, I mean she mostly danced in the kitchen excitedly while I worked. These are some of her favorite recipes too.  And I only make them at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Stu and Miriam both enjoyed the meal.  

I'm grateful to Stu's parents.  Tuesday was Stu's birthday.  Monday---he went to his parents' house---where they cooked him lasagna and a birthday cake---sending lots of leftovers home.  Along with cherry salad that Kay knows I love.  She always makes an extra container just for me.  I'm the only one who eats it in this household---and I've been known to eat the whole thing in one sitting.  I'm saving it this year again for our Friday meal at my parents.  But I'm looking forward to it.  Tuesday, we ordered in from Coletta's for Stu's birthday----and I made Scalloped Pineapples (Stu's favorite dessert). I haven't made it in a very long time----and Miriam has never had it before.   It was a hit all around.  Anything that calls for a stick and a half of butter and 2 cups of sugar is bound to be good comfort food, I guess.  It was good to sit at the table together as a family and celebrate.  

I'm grateful we had the chance to FaceTime with Stu's parents on Thanksgiving.  It was good to see them. Stu has been seeing them in person---but Miriam and I haven't been able to see them in person for a very long time now.  It will be good when we can all be together again.  

I'm grateful to have time and ability to cook a little.  It's been a while since I've been up to it.  I've been dealing with a stress fracture in my hip.  Been unable to walk or run for exercise---and missing it greatly.  Was non weight bearing for like 5 weeks---and then did a week of partial weight bearing---and now I finally get to ditch the crutches.  Freedom.  Although, I'm still not allowed to walk or run for exercise for another 3 months.  Still---in that time---the time I'd usually be walking/running---I've been knitting socks. And watching Hallmark Christmas movies.  As much as I miss being outside---and I really do.  I miss my long walks/long runs especially---I've enjoyed replenishing my hand knit sock drawer too.  Knitting is a good activity to do when you're healing from something.  It helped me before when I broke my ankle----and it's helped me through this time of inactivity as well.  I'm grateful for knitting.......and for really bad, predictable Christmas movies.  

I'm grateful for the chance to see my family today.  Jacob, Nikki, Joshua, Mom, and Dad.  It's been a long time since we've been all together.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it yesterday.  Ended up at minor med begging for medicine for a UTI (always a good time)---but got the medicine and feeling much better today.  Grateful to have access to medical care on a holiday.  Grateful for good medicine.  

Grateful for the kids at school this year.  I've been really amazed at how resilient they are.  How sweet and understanding they've been during a difficult time.  They've accepted the masks and the 6 feet apart.  They've accepted staying in their classrooms for most of their LAMPS times---while the teachers come to them.  They've accepted---what I think of as skeleton lessons----where I can't really do what I've always done due to COVID restrictions---and yet they still receive what they are given with a sense of gratitude.  They've helped me without complaint----pushing my cart for me while I've wheeled around the building or crutched around the building.  Showing me kindness and concern.  They seem glad to just be at school---I think they are glad to be with each other.  Like we all are---when given the opportunity. 

I'm grateful for my extended family and the Huffstetler group texts.  Grateful to see all the pictures of the Huffstetler crew.  Thinking a lot about my Grandmother---and grateful to have had someone like her in my family and in my life.  Grateful for how much she loved Miriam---and all her great grands.  I have a family that is very rich in love.  And the group texts remind me of that.  And I'm thankful.  

Yesterday, Stu set out our nativity scene.  Our Christmas tree has been up for quite some time now.  It seems like the pretty lights will help usher 2020 on out the door.  Not that there aren't always things to be grateful for----but like everyone, I am ready for the vaccines to come and for COVID-19 to be a thing of the past---as much as that may be possible.  

But grateful to have the nativity scene set out on the mantle.  Grateful for the reminder of Christmas---of God come down.  Of the promise that all things will be made new.  Through Jesus' sacrifice---comes our reconciliation with God.  God---give me eyes to see that every day---that ultimate gift----and to live a life that pours out of that....nothing else.  

 

 

 

Gratitude

Sometimes---there's a peace that finds you when you aren't even looking for it.  And you know it doesn't come from you----and you just know that someone's praying for you.  I'm thankful today for people who pray----and thankful to a God who answers those prayers.

Mortar the bricks

Build up the fences

Taller and stronger

Better defenses…

Curl up behind

The walls you have made

Hide and be hidden

Shrink into the shade.

Bury the weakness

Cold and hard

The work leaves me weary

And always on guard.

Heaviness pulls 

And twists what is true

Time tangles like string

Old fears come unglued.

Words become sharper

I close all the doors

From inside to out

Cacophony roars.

“Quiet” I tell it

It screams all the more

It tugs at my sleeves

It won’t be ignored.

The deeper I hide it

The louder it yells

I close my eyes but my ears

Feel the swell.

Doors swing open

Walls come down

Careless, unkind,

What’s been chained comes unbound.

Hurtful, malicious

What lived inside me

Is out and it’s visible

Who can see?

Questions arise

What’s right and what matters?

Actions, reactions

The mind shifts and scatters

Concedes there is nothing

That I can change

Only reorganize

Rename, rearrange.  

And others are running

From what I untethered

A storm off its leash

The worst kind of weather.

Frantically chasing

What I can’t collect

Or even remember

But only suspect.

Yet something is happening

I can’t quite see

Some kindness forgives

Picks up behind me.

The same people hurt

By what lived inside me

Strangely, they gather my mess

My debris.

Fear shoves me to darkness

But friends reflect light

Shame mutes my entreaties

But friends’ prayers unite.

My walls are all gone

My fences are torn

Still—I can wonder

Is that cause to mourn?

A heart that is guarded

By an ungiving wall

Is just atrophied muscle

---No real heart at all.

I can’t mend my fences

They’re beyond repair

But maybe it’s meant

That they shouldn’t be there.

Thoughts for the New Year

In 2018, my daily prayer is going to be:  "Show me how to be a godly woman.  Give me the strength to obey you, to serve you, to serve my family, to serve others."  I struggle with staying in the Bible the way that I should---I read small bits at a time.  Sometimes I go long stretches without reading it at all other than at church on Sunday morning.   I tend to do better with some kind of devotional that only gives me small chunks of the Bible with a lot of explanation tacked on.  I think there's a place for that---and sometimes I just need a lot of explanation to really understand what I'm reading----but as time goes on I've become more convicted that I need to devote more time to actually reading and praying through the Bible.   I want God's voice to be the first one I hear in the morning and the last before I go to sleep at night.  And I want to learn how to be obedient to Him in all things.

God has been good to me.  Through every doubt, through every hardship,  through infertility, through the challenges of adoption, general parenthood, teaching---- through joy, through loss---God has shown up.  God has been there.  In personal, loving, ways that display His kindness and His goodness.

Psalm 16:2  I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”

I have read this in the Bible---but I also know this to be true from my own experiences.  I went through a period in my life when I ran as far as I could from God.  I was actively trying to mold Him into something I could easily accept---and if I was not able to do that---if He couldn't be what I thought He should be----then I really didn't want anything to do with Him.  And He showed up.  And showed me kindness, grace.  When you hit a place in your mind where there is obviously nothing good in you---where every thought seems to be resentful and hateful towards yourself and even towards others---and then something Good touches you, stands by your bedside and holds your hand and calls you Beloved--you know that Goodness didn't come from inside you---it came from something outside of you.  

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

And you realize that the God who made the universe has given everything He could ever give---sacrificed and suffered on your behalf-- in order to reconcile with you--a sinner--a person in active rebellion from His love.  There is no greater love story. There is no greater rest.  There is no greater peace.  There is nothing more humbling.  There is nothing more beautiful. And there is no true happiness outside of this knowledge and acceptance of the gift extended to you. 

Throughout the year of 2017---I began to be convicted about the way that I was using food as a way to make myself feel better--and even the way I was using my extra weight as a kind of  strange protection.  I would eat too much or sit too long---and God would whisper---you don't really have to do this.  I'm right here.  You can't fill the void you're trying to fill with anything but Me anyhow...I would sit under preaching at church about idols---about turning to things other than God for things that only God can give. I watched my health decline.  I took more medicine to control blood pressure and type 2 diabetes.  I listened to the doctors warn me that my extra weight--which I had learned to lean more and more on for protection---was killing me.  I knew I needed to change.  But I've tried to change before---I have changed before---superficially--- with short term weight loss.   I would always turn back to food eventually.  And turn back to the weight.  I was afraid to try. For a long time, I was afraid to even pray for God to help me turn away from this sin---because I feared that it was so much a part of me---that I could never really let it go.  

Less scary than actually starting the process of loosening the control of food/inactivity on my life---was praying about it.  And sometime in 2017---I did start praying.  At first, just during the church services when I would feel convicted about the idols I was maintaining in spite of the love God had shown me.  Then I started walking sometimes at night.  I'd bring my Kindle with me, walk slowly, and read my Bible.  And pray.  And ask God to help turn me away from excess---and turn me more towards Him.  I would read my Bible and the explanations that went with it---and there were times I was just struck with the wonder--- that I have been set free--I don't have to be enslaved to food or greed or anything else.  I'm free --I'm accepted completely because of the love and sacrifice of  my savior--- Christ Jesus, I'm loved, completely.  I'm no less loved because I'm overweight----but I don't have to be overweight---and I can change.  I can break free from this---not of my own strength---but through the strength of the God who loves me.  I listened to a sermon once by Tim Keller---where he talked about these moments where sometimes you feel as though God has just lifted you up on His shoulders.  He compared it to the feeling a child has who has been lifted up into his father's arms feels----the child is no more or less loved by his father whether he's in his father's arms or not---but the child feels the father's love more acutely when he is in the father's arms.  We are no more or less loved by God regardless of our feelings---but there were times that it just felt as if I'd been lifted into my heavenly Father's arms.  It was sweet---and it restored my soul in a way I hadn't thought possible.  

So around August---I started the work.  Counting the calories---keeping them below the number allotted in order to lose weight.   Walking 3x a week for 20 minutes....walking every day.....walking further and longer because it became joyful---and because I looked forward to it. I often read my Bible as I walked.  I prayed.  I asked others to pray for me.  Many of my friends and peers encouraged me.  I started running---just a little---just to see if I could.  Began the c25k program----and somehow---against all of my expectations--- that became joyful as well.  Running and asking God to carry me one step further today than I went yesterday felt like a new kind of worship---a new kind of relationship building activity between me and God.  I ran past the Christmas lights in my neighborhood,  I ran under the hawk swooping over my favorite trail, over the imprints of the leaves on my path, and on the bridges over water that sparkled as the sun reflected off of it.  And there was a deep peace in this---one that I cannot adequately describe---one that I am so grateful for.  I started a little strength training a couple days a week because I wanted to be strong enough to run further.   And I started swimming laps at the local gym----because I can't run every day without risking injury----and that too---just pushing slowly across the water---asking for the strength for one more stroke---one more lap---it is a kind of healing---a kind of replenishing.  

The calorie counting, the exercise---it's good and it's helpful---and it had to be done in order for me to change.  I've lost 56 pounds---and my dr dropped one of my blood pressure medicines with plans to drop more.  I am not finished--I need to lose another 40 pounds or so.  But I am not obsessed with the number on the scale--or the size of my pants--or how quickly I can take this weight off.  Not anymore. The important change was the one that came before----the one that came through God reaching out to me----through prayer and dependence, through practicing faith that God really can turn me away from a sin that I have long been enslaved to.

  There is a danger here of turning even exercise or calorie counting into an idol---there is a danger here of falling into the thought pattern:  I did this on my own.  So I write this in part to tell myself---remember.  Remember who gave you this gift.  All good things---come from above.  And this season in my life of feeling good and healthy and loved----it's a blessing.  And it isn't anything I did---it is something that was given to me.  There will be other seasons---there will be seasons of sickness---or sadness--or loss.  There may be seasons when the weight comes back.  Whatever happens---I'm still loved by God.  I may falter---He will not.  My love for Him may waver---His love for me will be steadfast.  And this is what I want to remember always---and I want to live my life out of the infinite wellspring of His loving kindness.  

So what I'm praying for myself this year is this:  "Teach me to be a Godly woman.  And create in me a spirit of gratitude and service."

Thanks be to God for the blessings He has given me.  And happy new year.  

Homesickness

   Sometimes I look at the pastimes that I enjoy the most---and I wonder why these hobbies are so soothing to me---why do they feed my soul?  Many of the hobbies that I enjoy most are not things that I do particularly well---there's just something inherently satisfying about them.  Playing music--particularly hymns or praise songs--- on the guitar and the ukulele make me feel like finally, my mind is still---and I can think without the frantic pace that always seems to drive me outside of myself throughout a normal day.  When I play a song---when I listen to the words---I feel like myself again---the self that knows it is nothing without Christ---the self that knows that it is planted like a tree near the water----that there is a never-ending spring of joy to drink from---and to be satisfied---to be thankful in Christ alone.  Still---my heart is prone to wander even in these times---and while I am content on one level----somewhere far beyond the level I can most readily identify---I know that I have not yet been made complete---and that the joy I experience in singing songs to glorify God is a shadow of a greater joy---to come....  And when I stand on the brink of that perspective---I find myself profoundly homesick.

When I pick up the needles and knit---connect loop with loop----bringing order out of tangled string ....again---I wonder if this compulsion to try and create beauty out of little knots of a wooden stick is a deeper homesickness---a memory---if you could call it a memory---of a time when we were charged with looking after our home...tending a garden---bringing forth order from the wild growth.  Unfortunately, I've never had the compulsion to tend an actual garden----but I do wonder----does the satisfaction I feel with watching tiny loops on a stick connecting with other loops until something sensible or something beautiful start to emerge---Is that a symptom of a deeper homesickness??

When I spend inordinate amounts of time fiddling with water chemistry on the fish tanks----trying to make everything line up just perfect----so that the fish are happy and healthy---and tame enough to eat from our hands....does it all point to a time when nature was at peace with man-----when all was at peace----and am I trying to reclaim some measure of that peace when I attempt to tame an animal.....when I take satisfaction in the animal's well being......is it all homesickness, I wonder?

There are some mornings when I feel like I am planted in a  deeper Reality than I am normally aware of......The tile feels more vibrantly cold on my bare feet----the coffee tastes richer---and the silence of the sleeping house feels inhabited....inhabited by a Personal God who deigns to not only rescue me out of my outright rebellion and save me from myself---and from hell---but who goes even further---to form a relationship with me---where I am known completely and loved completely simultaneously.   Who is this God who loves us so intimately?  So unconditionally?  Who chases after us when we run from him?  Who binds wandering hearts that would be lost if they really did get away from the One they're trying to escape form......The older I get---the more I can say---God is good.....There is no good apart from Him.....and I think CS Lewis was right when he talked about the profound homesickness we feel at times for a world that is not like this one---the desire to be reunited with our Love---and to be set back in our true Home.....

Voices find me in the night

They allege and they accuse

I hunker down and hide myself

For I have no excuse.

I have failed a million times

And what is seen is but a part

Of all the darkness I have nourished

Down deep within my heart.

I have been a shadow

Shackled in a dusty cell

One foot bound to this world

And the other bound to hell.

And though my feet are bound

God invites me Come

And makes a way--becomes the way

Till I can't help but run...

But I have always been a runner

From everything that's Good

I cannot measure up

To straight edges as I should.

Laws are written on my heart

Etched unmistakably

I know I should be perfect

Yet---I cannot be.

So I bury myself deep

Beneath feigned complacencies

Guard my heart with walls of stone

Till the muscle atrophies....

And still God reaches deep

Beneath the folds of all my sin

"The debt you cannot pay

--I have paid---now child---come in."

There is something green within me

I did not plant it there

For I was only darkness

Swallowing more darkness from everywhere.

But something green is changing

Though its growth is slow and small

It bends, uncurls, and lengthens

It pushes on the wall...

Like a shell surrounds a seedling

In the ground---before it wakes

Until the green becomes too large

And the shell begins to break...

Breaking isn't safe

Being broken--that is pain

And yet the green grows larger

And a strange joy can't be contained.

The darkness still remains

But its home is cramped by all the green

It is outraged at the cracks

Where the shell is straining at the seams....

And I could say I'm lost

In conflicting parts of me

And yet somehow, I know I'm found

And I know who I'm to be

Though there are times I close my eyes

Close my heart and fall to slumber

The weight of joy from deep within

Pushes outward and I crumble.

I have a heart that's broken

A million times it's been made new

But each new fracture leaves a space

For new tendrils to creep through.

There is something green within me

I didn't plant it there

The one who made me placed it

Tended it with care

Something green within me--

That wakes me when ignored

For it knows its home's a garden

And that it shall be restored.