Waiting.....

     It doesn't seem too long ago that Stu and I sat down on the stairs of our home together and finally came to the conclusion that we did not have the strength-- physically, emotionally, or even spiritually---to continue our infertility treatments.  The grief in the air around us was palpable.  That moment is so far removed from the bone deep joy that has settled into our lives since.  And in quiet, reflective slivers of time--I am humbled that God would transform our sadness into such happiness.  Intellectually, I know that none of us deserve the blessings God sees fit to bestow upon us.  But still--there's a part of me that whispers---there are so many people out there whose hearts were always open to adoption.  They didn't fight God's plans for their families;  they didn't spend years ignoring the gentle, nightly murmurs---"Maybe you're just supposed to be parents...to a child that is not genetically related to you.  Maybe there's a child somewhere that needs a home as badly as you need a child....."  And I think, those are the people who deserve this kind of happiness--the ones who were sharp enough to figure things out a tad bit quicker.  Not us.  Yet here we are, picking out a crib---a bassinet---and regarding the boxes stacked up in the bedroom with feelings that seem to pair in paradoxes---Contentment with excitement----Joy with fear;  but mostly we're just grateful for this blessing that we absolutely do not deserve.  Oh how He loves us.....I'll never understand why.   But with each passing year, my conviction deepens that God loves us more than we will ever comprehend.

     The seasons of the adoption process have passed quickly for us.  November: preliminary application.  December:  formal application.  January-February: completed self studies, interviewed at Bethany's offices.  March: completed home study.  April: completed an all day training.  Received our letter stating that we had been approved.  It seems overwhelming---before you start it is overwhelming.  But I think that every step of our journey has been, if not enjoyable at all times, crucial.  It can be tedious to describe your childhood vacations, your feelings about your family and friends, how you were disciplined, how you will help your child cope with loss; it can be somewhat disconcerting, jaunting off to the Rangemasters (that's the shop with the big guns) to get fingerprinted, or sitting at the Sheriff's office waiting for them to run that background check on you and hoping they don't discover your husband's secret life of crime.  Ha!  (Side note--I will relate this in case any of you ever find yourself in need of a background check---do not make jokes similar to the one above with any of the police officers wandering around--even if they kid with you first---it does not go over well--voice of experience here folks).  But on another level---all of these preparations encourage reflection on the past, the present, and anticipation of the future.  And there's a lot to think about---a lot to process---and a ton to learn.  The months you spend writing, praying, waiting, hoping, worrying, reading, learning----those months help to shape your heart, and the love that you felt when you first started the process---the love that was nebulous and hazy, but real nevertheless---gains definition.  As you read about the loss that your child will have to contend with, you will ache and hurt and wish that you could take that loss upon yourself and keep it from falling on such small shoulders.  As you become ever more aware of the challenges of transracial adoption, you come to accept with sadness that there will be some people who will not like your child simply because of the color of his skin---or in some cases, because he is a part of a family whose skin is a different shade than his--and you will be angry and hurt--and you will wish, not for the first time, that you could childproof the whole world, rather than just your tiny little corner of it.  Seeing random babies out in public will give you goosebumps, as you imagine what it will be like when you are responsible for such a tiny, precious life.  And you will dream---sometimes the baby in the dream will be a boy, sometimes a girl, sometimes half-tadpole (everyone has crazy "pregnancy dreams" right?  Please tell me I'm semi-normal.)  And you'll wake up wondering---where is my baby right now?  Has he been knitted in his mother's womb already?  Like I said---there's a lot to think about.
     There are also a lot of decisions to make, one of which concerns open adoption.  It used to be assumed that a traditional closed adoption was the best thing for all involved in an adoption.  Supposedly, the birthmother could go on with her life---the pain of separation from her baby would be lessened if she didn't see pictures, receive letters, or have any kind of contact with her child.  Supposedly, it was better for the baby to never know of the woman who gave him life and made an adoption plan for him.  The child would be raised as if he were the biological child of his adoptive parents, sometimes he might not even be told that he was adopted.  These assumptions have since been challenged.  Studies are showing that an open adoption is actually the better option for all involved in the adoption triad.  Ok, I'm going to stop here and say that I've found that many people express misgivings when I share that Stu and I are hopeful that we will be able to have an open adoption.  And I understand the misgivings.  I'm a teacher---I think that all teachers have been exposed, at least once, to parents who truly don't seem to care about their own children.  We've seen children who are neglected and abused, children left emotionally disturbed---broken---from things that their own parents did to them---and it shatters our hearts.....and it can jade us if we're not careful.  It can make us think to ourselves that if a woman chooses to part with her own flesh and blood that she must not love her child.  And if she doesn't love her child, then having her in the child's life will be a hurtful mistake.  But here's the thing, a woman who falls pregnant is hardwired to love the life that stirs within her.  Yes, I suppose there are exceptions. But I'm counting on the fact that a woman who cares for her child enough to A: Give him life and B: Part with him despite the fact that every hormone in her body and every string in her heart yearns to keep him close to her---all because she truly believes that she can't provide for the needs of that child to her satisfaction---loves her child.  And as another adoptive parent said, "A child can't have too many people in his life that love him."  I know there are a million what ifs that could be thrown out at this juncture and I've probably thought about them all in the wee hours of the morning.  And frankly, I don't have the energy to deal with them anymore.  Whatever our situation turns out to be---we'll figure it out once we know what it is.  But in the meantime, we're praying that God will weave our family tree with someone else's----birthparents as well as the child.  So that the birthparent can be a part of the child's life, so that the child can have a sense of his roots and a link to someone who is genetically related to him, and so that we, as adoptive parents, can minimize the loss for our child.  If there's a way to lessen our child's hurt---well--that's what we want to do.

***I started this post some time ago.  Now the boxes in the nursery are being unpacked and there is the possibility that we could have a baby in a mere two weeks.  We meet tomorrow with a birthmother who has chosen us based on our profile book.  We don't know what's going to happen---but already I'm making note of the small things that happened on the day we received that exciting phone call, marking them in my memory.  Keep this birthmother in your prayers.  Keep her baby in your prayers.  And keep us in your prayers, the coming days may prove to be heart-wrenching, wonderful, or some combination of the two---for all of us or some of us---depending on the outcome. Whatever God's plan is---it will be.  This at least we can have confidence in.  He will match us with the family He intends---just as He will match this child with the family He chooses.  All that's left is to wait....and pray.