When I first shared with my sister-in-law and brother (who have already been through the adoption process and now have the sweetest almost one year old son that you can even begin to imagine) that Stu and I had decided to pursue adoption----Nikki told me--"Once you decide to adopt---you then become an expectant mother." Those words jarred something inside me---and I realized that she was right. Somehow---through the grace of God---we had moved away from the desperation and pain of desiring for God to mold his plans to ours---and we had found the peace and the joy of molding our plans to his. And we were expecting a child----how foolish had we ever been to think that accepting God's plan in lieu of our own would somehow be anything less than complete. I will always be grateful to Nikki for those words----because they expressed recognition of a change in Stuart and in myself that wasn't visible to the eyes---but was nonetheless real and life-altering. We became expectant parents that day in November.
Part of the reason that I'm trying to write this blog is because I want a record of this time of anticipation---this time of joy, celebration, and preparation. It also helps me to sort through some of the conflicting thoughts and feelings that I run into as our adoption process progresses. Stuart and I are now in the middle of describing every aspect of our life in the "self-study" worksheets we've been given to complete. We've written about our childhood, our families, our marriage, our past significant relationships, and our views on child-rearing and adoption. And now we're in the section in which they ask all kinds of questions about transracial adoption: "Have you ever considered adopting transracially?" and "How will you help your child develop a positive racial identity?" "How do you think your child will feel about being adopted transracially?" For those who may not know---Stuart and I had already decided that we were open to transracial adoption before we ever went to our first informational meeting. But it can be a little difficult to describe why we feel that way. I think that, in part, we have been affected deeply by the addition of Joshua---my nephew--- to our family. If I had ever had even one iota of doubt that a family could be a family whether everyone "matched" or not---well it would have been obliterated the moment I met Joshua. As it was, I remember asking Stuart one morning as we were getting ready for work, "If we ever adopted---would it be important to you for the child to be the same race as you?" (As you may have guessed, this conversation was a reaction to Jacob and Nikki announcing that they were pursuing a transracial adoption. The idea of checking off races deemed acceptable to one's family on the adoption questionnaire had never surfaced before since we hadn't come to a place where adoption felt right to us at that particular time.) And Stuart said, "No, I don't think so." And I agreed. That was probably a year before we ever met Joshua---and I suppose since we weren't seriously considering adoption at that time---those were just pat answers that didn't signify anything real or tangible to us as a couple. And those pat answers really weren't as simple as we believed when we first discussed the issue. Sure---we're fine with having a child of a different race as a part of our family---no question. Later---when adoption became something real to us---Stu and I would begin to realize that the real question was whether or not a child would be fine with being adopted into a family of a different race. Early lessons in the "Hey genius---it's no longer all about you--"school of parenting.
Google search "adult transracial adoptee blogs" and you're going to read some pretty negative stuff. There are a lot of angry people out there---people angry with their adoptive parents for not believing them when they were confronted with bias or prejudice---people angry that their adoptive parents didn't make enough of an effort to introduce them to people who shared their heritage/ethnicity---people angry that their adoptive parents made them feel guilty when they became curious about their birth parents---people angry when others felt entitled to tell them how they should feel.... Read "In Their Own Voices" in which adult transracial adoptees tell their stories---and you're going to read about a spectrum of experiences----some people say---they never really formed an identity---and to this day, they don't really feel like they know who they are. Some people describe themselves as being "too black to be white" and "too white to be black."---meaning that they never felt that they could fit into either the black or the white community. Others describe it as a very positive experience---saying that they feel that they are a bridge between the white and black communities---that they feel they have a foot in both worlds---and that they are a better, more enriched person for it. Some people have very negative experiences from which they never really recovered; some viewed negative experiences as something which--though hurtful and disheartening at the time of their impact---- made them stronger in the long run. One quickly realizes that when considering transracial adoption----there is turbulence beneath those first, surface judgements---and that in the end-----an easy answer is just not at hand.
The more you read about/hear about other people's experiences---the more you realize that we do indeed live in a race conscious society. Racism exists---and though it would be nice to say that now that we have a biracial president---the times of racism are past.....obviously they aren't. Look at the bomb that was planted along the route of a Martin Luther King parade in Washington---look at the racial slurs that are hurled without abandon across the internet---really just look around---and you can feel the ugly overtones of racism in more situations than any of us would really care to admit. We are very far from the paradise this world began as.... And there are times that I stop and mourn the damage that sin and hate have wrought on this world----which seems to find endless ways to divide and separate its people. I think---at my most idealistic---I could say that I don't want to be one more separating force---I want a family that looks like the family of God---with no regard for skin color---and much regard for the inclinations of our hearts. But I think that answer relies too heavily on the assumption that love is enough. In a perfect world it would be---in the world we live in---I think love is just the beginning..... At its most basic---the truth of the matter remains as this: Stu and I just really want a baby---and we don't want to reject a baby that needs a home just because he/she might be of a different race/ethnicity than ourselves. There are other boxes that we will leave unchecked on our adoption form----there are other babies who need homes that we will never meet because of those unchecked boxes. There are babies who have needs that we aren't sure we're equipped to meet-----but when it comes to the needs unique to the transracially adopted child----for some reason---that is hopefully not completely misguided-----we aren't fazed---and we believe that, with a little help along the way, we can meet those needs.
Sometimes I look at our family---the struggles we've faced---the ramifications of those struggles we've embraced and loved with our whole hearts---and I think that God has prepared us for this very thing. And everything inside us is yearning to raise a child who truly understands that we are who we choose to be--we are not what others label us as---nor are we what others might wish us to be---that every single one of us leads a purpose driven life-----it is merely a choice as to what purpose---one of goodness or of wickedness--- that we claim for ourselves---- a child who understands that God made him and that he made him in his own image----and that when some ignorant person tries to tell him that he is something less because of the color of his skin-----he should remind that person that some day we are all going to meet our maker---and if one doesn't discount what the Bible tells us about that whole "created in His own image" bit----that maker could very well be a man with ebony colored skin.....a child who understands that we are defined by love---and diminished by hate. We so badly want our child to understand these things more and sooner than we did. And our greatest fears when it comes to transracial adoption or adoption in general lie in our own inadequacies and shortcomings. To raise a child to believe that the world is "colorblind" would be unfair since racism does exist and is a disturbing reality---and it is scary to think that we---as caucasian parents--- will not always have all the answers when it comes to the best ways to deal with it----- we truly are going to have to ascribe ourselves to the adage that "It takes a village...."
We live our lives in an imperfect, fallen world----but it is not a world where God doesn't still live....it isn't a world without pockets of kindness, love, grace, forgiveness......it isn't a maze of thorns that we are left to navigate without aid or direction-----the God of our fathers is One who not only gives us guidance in our journey---He goes one notch further than that----as He walks it alongside us.
These are the things I think about when I read the questions about transracial adoption. Have you ever considered adopting transracially? Yes. How will you help your child develop a positive racial identity? Find a diverse church....get involved in it.....teach my child that God made him in his own image as he made all of us---and that each of us has the chance to be a child of God...rely on the advice of friends who have more experience than I do when necessary....trust my family---my family composed of relatives as well as my family composed of friends----to be a safe haven in an unfair, imperfect world....make sure my child is aware of real life heroes that share his ethnic heritage......and hope all that is enough.....or maybe just a start........I don't think that Stu and I are self-deluded enough to believe that we know everything---and as excited as we are----there's a part of us that is terrified that we're going to make some horrible mistake. Actually, the horrible mistake part is probably inevitable. From what I understand---it's pretty much a rite of passage into the land of parenting. And I guess that thought leads into the last question---How do you think your child will feel about being transracially adopted? I suppose the answer to that depends on how well we implement the answers described in the previous question, doesn't it? Here's hoping that with the prayers and support of our friends and family---with a conscious effort to develop that positive racial identity---and with the help of God----he's going to feel good about it. I'm sure there will be times when he is sad----from what I've read and studied---it seems that many adoptees (same race adoptees and transracial adoptees alike) feel a tremendous sense of loss. I hate to think of our child feeling this way----and I only hope that we're strong enough to walk through the loss with him. God does it for us---he doesn't just stand back from afar and intone pearls of wisdom in serious, yet emotionless cadences.....He goes there with us. The times in my life when I've felt the most afraid---the times that I've been in the most pain---physical or otherwise---those are the times that I can honestly say that I have most keenly felt God's presence and love. He always gets it right----Stu and I won't-----but if we can just help our child to develop that relationship with God through Jesus Christ----he'll always have someone walking through the sadness alongside him----even when we as parents aren't able to do the same.
Well---if you've made it this far through a rather long entry---maybe you won't mind my asking for a bit more of your time. Please take a moment and pray for us---that we will be granted the wisdom to know what's right for our child. And pray for the birthmother of our child---I can't even imagine what she must be/will be feeling. Most importantly---pray for our child's salvation in Christ----because we can give him nothing if he doesn't have that.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Thoughts
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28
My brother once remarked that he was annoyed when people quote this verse---because we like to think that when God says he works for "good"---He really means that He will work for our good----He'll work towards achieving our human goals---our personal vendettas and agendas---look out for our favorite sports teams and the like. And of course, that isn't what this verse is saying at all. God works for the good of those who love him. What is our human conception of "good"---having a nice home, a loving family, food on the table, being comfortable financially, enjoying good health.......and what is God's conception of "good." That second one is harder to fathom----I imagine it's more far-sighted---more selfless---more benevolent than I am capable of---less about being comfortable than about being true to God's teachings. If Jesus is our ultimate example of what is good---well, he didn't lead a comfortable life---he led a meaningful one. What kind of "good" does God expect from us---and what kind of "good" are we to expect from God---a human "good" or a Godly "good." I have a feeling it's the latter---and sometimes that scares me. I'm not a selfless person----my life doesn't look like the life of Christ. In Matthew 8:20 Jesus says: "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." I have no idea what that kind of life would be like---nor how anyone who lived such a life could do so while harboring the joyful heart that Christ had. "God works for the good of those who love Him." I suppose that the hope I find in this verse is in that last part---for those who love him. It doesn't say---for those who are closest to perfection; it doesn't say---for those who have no unkind words or thoughts---or for those who do the most good in this hurting world. It says: "for those who love him." Is it possible that God can work good---His kind of good (which I suppose technically would be the only kind of good if you think about it)---even through someone as imperfect and selfish as me? Because I do love God---and I do wish that I were the person He wants me to be. Is that what the gift of Christ really means---that if we accept Jesus---and we love God---that something truly good can come from our lives---in spite of the sinfulness in which we perpetually dwell? Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing---to lead a life that means something---not because of anything that we are capable of on our own---but because Christ lives in us---and He continues the meaningful life that began in a manger---through the people who love Him---by changing hearts, directing our paths, and enabling us to be servants of the Lord in spite of ourselves. As the old year ends---and the new year begins---I am contemplating these things. I hope that I love God enough for Him to work good through me---and I hope that I am wise enough to recognize the good which is Godly---and to value that above all---not to get pulled into the false comforts of this world---but to strive to be the servant that God calls all believers to be.
What does this have to do with my adoption blog? Well, I know what it is to set up idols in your heart---to want something for yourself so badly that you don't want God in control of your life if He has other plans than those you've made yourself. I know how it feels to get so carried away with one's own pursuit of self-fulfillment---that you almost miss the better (not easier, not less painful, not least complicated---but better nonetheless) plan that God has in mind. The "good" plan Stuart and I imagined for ourselves was that we would fall pregnant, have a biological child in the usual manner, and form a traditional family that would, hopefully, live---well, happily ever after. Well, God had other plans. And when God has plans---and if you belong to Him---it's really best to just get on board because otherwise you end up living in the belly of a whale----or you know--staring at the X-ray of some strange woman's uterus which is always inexplicably on display (see November post for backstory) until you see fit to cooperate. In the end---you have to recognize---God's plans are the only plans that matter---acceptance of that truth brings peace---and joy---and sometimes---if you're lucky---the realization that He is so much better than are we when it comes to preparing for the future. I mean, come on, he's got the whole omniscient thing going for Him, right? How does that even compare to my yearly planner and its pages scrawled with nearly illegible notes, uncertainly jotted times and dates?
I don't know what our life is going to be like once we meet this child that we already love---I imagine---that like any child---this one will turn our lives completely upside down. And I also understand that no matter how fiercely we love this child---and no matter how much we long to be united as a family---God's will determines when, and even if, Stu and I are to become parents.
"God works for the good of those who love him." The thing is---a lot of the time---I don't have the wisdom to recognize that truth. But, that doesn't stop God from working His plans out in our lives---one way or another. I am continually amazed to find that He comes to us---even when we don't go to Him; He came to us first as a human baby---born in Bethlehem---to die on the cross for our sins. He comes to us again each day---through the words of our friends who love him, through the deeply rooted desire to be better than what we are capable of alone, and through the kindness of his followers.....And accepting Jesus into your heart isn't just a "get out of hell free" card---it's a choice that allows you to walk with God---which is why we were created in the first place...... Our sinful nature keeps us from that purpose--and separates us from the God we were made for---but Jesus died to cover our sins---to allow us to be what we were made to be---companions of God.
May the new year bring us the courage to live a life that is led by Christ---that works for the good---and that rejoices in the countless blessings God has given us.
I want to end by posting a lullaby that I wrote a long time ago. When I wrote it---I loved a baby---I assumed that baby would be my biological child---and now---when I read over this old lullaby---I realize that the baby I loved then is the baby I love now. The song isn't anything original really---it talks about wanting the baby to be safe, loved, watched over by God---the same things any parent would want for their child. Since we aren't together right now the way I used to imagine that we would be---it means more to me now than when I wrote it---because the idea of God "keeping counsel" with my child even when we are apart gives me comfort. And the lullabies mentioned in the song are mostly composed of the sounds of nature---rustling leaves, wind, water....I don't know----perhaps it's silly---but I think it might be significant that these lullabies aren't ones that are sung---they're there whether I'm there to sing them or not. And although I'll sing to my child when we are together---right now I can't---but my hope is that God is with that baby---that the baby feels loved---by the birthmother, by Stuart and I, by God---so that he really can be "cradled in peaceful sleep."
All the stars, the bright moon too
They keep their watch over you
They wait for you to close your eyes
They sing you gentle lullabies
Lullaby, o lullaby
They sing you gentle lullabies
The breeze in the trees
Sighs through all the darkened leaves
The waves on the sea
Croon their weary melodies
And this song of wind and light
This song of quiet night
Will cradle you in peaceful sleep
As God above your counsel keeps
So rest your head and close your eyes
The angels sing you lullabies.
Within this room the light is pale
It leaves a faint and golden trail
Shapes are blurred, lines unclear
Edges soften now that you are here
Lullaby, o lullaby
This room is filled with lullabies.
Beyond these walls a sleepy sun must rest its eyes
Clouds in muted colors drift across the shadowed skies
And this song of love's delight
This song, this joyful night
Will cradle you in peaceful sleep
As God above your counsel keeps
And nature's voice will harmonize
With heaven in sweet lullabies
Rest your head, close your eyes
And listen to the lullabies.
My brother once remarked that he was annoyed when people quote this verse---because we like to think that when God says he works for "good"---He really means that He will work for our good----He'll work towards achieving our human goals---our personal vendettas and agendas---look out for our favorite sports teams and the like. And of course, that isn't what this verse is saying at all. God works for the good of those who love him. What is our human conception of "good"---having a nice home, a loving family, food on the table, being comfortable financially, enjoying good health.......and what is God's conception of "good." That second one is harder to fathom----I imagine it's more far-sighted---more selfless---more benevolent than I am capable of---less about being comfortable than about being true to God's teachings. If Jesus is our ultimate example of what is good---well, he didn't lead a comfortable life---he led a meaningful one. What kind of "good" does God expect from us---and what kind of "good" are we to expect from God---a human "good" or a Godly "good." I have a feeling it's the latter---and sometimes that scares me. I'm not a selfless person----my life doesn't look like the life of Christ. In Matthew 8:20 Jesus says: "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." I have no idea what that kind of life would be like---nor how anyone who lived such a life could do so while harboring the joyful heart that Christ had. "God works for the good of those who love Him." I suppose that the hope I find in this verse is in that last part---for those who love him. It doesn't say---for those who are closest to perfection; it doesn't say---for those who have no unkind words or thoughts---or for those who do the most good in this hurting world. It says: "for those who love him." Is it possible that God can work good---His kind of good (which I suppose technically would be the only kind of good if you think about it)---even through someone as imperfect and selfish as me? Because I do love God---and I do wish that I were the person He wants me to be. Is that what the gift of Christ really means---that if we accept Jesus---and we love God---that something truly good can come from our lives---in spite of the sinfulness in which we perpetually dwell? Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing---to lead a life that means something---not because of anything that we are capable of on our own---but because Christ lives in us---and He continues the meaningful life that began in a manger---through the people who love Him---by changing hearts, directing our paths, and enabling us to be servants of the Lord in spite of ourselves. As the old year ends---and the new year begins---I am contemplating these things. I hope that I love God enough for Him to work good through me---and I hope that I am wise enough to recognize the good which is Godly---and to value that above all---not to get pulled into the false comforts of this world---but to strive to be the servant that God calls all believers to be.
What does this have to do with my adoption blog? Well, I know what it is to set up idols in your heart---to want something for yourself so badly that you don't want God in control of your life if He has other plans than those you've made yourself. I know how it feels to get so carried away with one's own pursuit of self-fulfillment---that you almost miss the better (not easier, not less painful, not least complicated---but better nonetheless) plan that God has in mind. The "good" plan Stuart and I imagined for ourselves was that we would fall pregnant, have a biological child in the usual manner, and form a traditional family that would, hopefully, live---well, happily ever after. Well, God had other plans. And when God has plans---and if you belong to Him---it's really best to just get on board because otherwise you end up living in the belly of a whale----or you know--staring at the X-ray of some strange woman's uterus which is always inexplicably on display (see November post for backstory) until you see fit to cooperate. In the end---you have to recognize---God's plans are the only plans that matter---acceptance of that truth brings peace---and joy---and sometimes---if you're lucky---the realization that He is so much better than are we when it comes to preparing for the future. I mean, come on, he's got the whole omniscient thing going for Him, right? How does that even compare to my yearly planner and its pages scrawled with nearly illegible notes, uncertainly jotted times and dates?
I don't know what our life is going to be like once we meet this child that we already love---I imagine---that like any child---this one will turn our lives completely upside down. And I also understand that no matter how fiercely we love this child---and no matter how much we long to be united as a family---God's will determines when, and even if, Stu and I are to become parents.
"God works for the good of those who love him." The thing is---a lot of the time---I don't have the wisdom to recognize that truth. But, that doesn't stop God from working His plans out in our lives---one way or another. I am continually amazed to find that He comes to us---even when we don't go to Him; He came to us first as a human baby---born in Bethlehem---to die on the cross for our sins. He comes to us again each day---through the words of our friends who love him, through the deeply rooted desire to be better than what we are capable of alone, and through the kindness of his followers.....And accepting Jesus into your heart isn't just a "get out of hell free" card---it's a choice that allows you to walk with God---which is why we were created in the first place...... Our sinful nature keeps us from that purpose--and separates us from the God we were made for---but Jesus died to cover our sins---to allow us to be what we were made to be---companions of God.
May the new year bring us the courage to live a life that is led by Christ---that works for the good---and that rejoices in the countless blessings God has given us.
I want to end by posting a lullaby that I wrote a long time ago. When I wrote it---I loved a baby---I assumed that baby would be my biological child---and now---when I read over this old lullaby---I realize that the baby I loved then is the baby I love now. The song isn't anything original really---it talks about wanting the baby to be safe, loved, watched over by God---the same things any parent would want for their child. Since we aren't together right now the way I used to imagine that we would be---it means more to me now than when I wrote it---because the idea of God "keeping counsel" with my child even when we are apart gives me comfort. And the lullabies mentioned in the song are mostly composed of the sounds of nature---rustling leaves, wind, water....I don't know----perhaps it's silly---but I think it might be significant that these lullabies aren't ones that are sung---they're there whether I'm there to sing them or not. And although I'll sing to my child when we are together---right now I can't---but my hope is that God is with that baby---that the baby feels loved---by the birthmother, by Stuart and I, by God---so that he really can be "cradled in peaceful sleep."
All the stars, the bright moon too
They keep their watch over you
They wait for you to close your eyes
They sing you gentle lullabies
Lullaby, o lullaby
They sing you gentle lullabies
The breeze in the trees
Sighs through all the darkened leaves
The waves on the sea
Croon their weary melodies
And this song of wind and light
This song of quiet night
Will cradle you in peaceful sleep
As God above your counsel keeps
So rest your head and close your eyes
The angels sing you lullabies.
Within this room the light is pale
It leaves a faint and golden trail
Shapes are blurred, lines unclear
Edges soften now that you are here
Lullaby, o lullaby
This room is filled with lullabies.
Beyond these walls a sleepy sun must rest its eyes
Clouds in muted colors drift across the shadowed skies
And this song of love's delight
This song, this joyful night
Will cradle you in peaceful sleep
As God above your counsel keeps
And nature's voice will harmonize
With heaven in sweet lullabies
Rest your head, close your eyes
And listen to the lullabies.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Why do you want to adopt?
Stuart and I are working on our formal adoption application. The question that took the longest to answer was this: "Why do you want to adopt?" The answer to that question is layered somewhere between love and faith---and it is more difficult to put into words than I'd anticipated. I think about that question a lot---and for now, the following is our answer:
We struggled with infertility for four years; the first time we went to an infertility specialists about two years ago---we both had the feeling that God might have a different plan for us than the one we'd expected---at least when it came to the way we were going to form a family. Still---we spent two years running back and forth from the doctor's offices---trying different medications and procedures---and hoping that we could form our family in the way we'd always envisioned. However, there was always a feeling---which persisted most prevalently when we prayed about our wish for a child---that our family might be an adoptive one. The feeling was so strong that it became difficult to pray----I suppose because we were so stubborn that we didn't want to accept a plan that wasn't of our own making. I can't exactly pinpoint the moment or the reason behind the change of heart which seemed to come about so suddenly---i remember moments of complete sadness and helplessness in which we both keenly felt the loss of the biological child which we gradually began to believe that we would never have. But I don't believe that the desire to adopt was something that was born completely from that sadness. In a way---it is something different entirely. It's more to do with accepting God's plan for our family, rather than rebelling against it. It's more to do with building up the faith to embrace the truth that our plans are not God's plans---and that His plans are infinitely better than our own. We never questioned the idea that we could love a child which wasn't our biological child----we questioned whether we really wanted to go through the adoption process. We'd been on the medical route to a child for so long---it was a process with which we were well acquainted---and switching paths was a big step for us; it was a shift from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Yet, as soon as we opened our hearts to adoption---we felt a great burden lift---and we were both surprised at how quickly we began to love this child that we've never met or can even completely imagine. And we feel at peace. We want to adopt because we love this child already---and we look forward to the day that we can be together.
We struggled with infertility for four years; the first time we went to an infertility specialists about two years ago---we both had the feeling that God might have a different plan for us than the one we'd expected---at least when it came to the way we were going to form a family. Still---we spent two years running back and forth from the doctor's offices---trying different medications and procedures---and hoping that we could form our family in the way we'd always envisioned. However, there was always a feeling---which persisted most prevalently when we prayed about our wish for a child---that our family might be an adoptive one. The feeling was so strong that it became difficult to pray----I suppose because we were so stubborn that we didn't want to accept a plan that wasn't of our own making. I can't exactly pinpoint the moment or the reason behind the change of heart which seemed to come about so suddenly---i remember moments of complete sadness and helplessness in which we both keenly felt the loss of the biological child which we gradually began to believe that we would never have. But I don't believe that the desire to adopt was something that was born completely from that sadness. In a way---it is something different entirely. It's more to do with accepting God's plan for our family, rather than rebelling against it. It's more to do with building up the faith to embrace the truth that our plans are not God's plans---and that His plans are infinitely better than our own. We never questioned the idea that we could love a child which wasn't our biological child----we questioned whether we really wanted to go through the adoption process. We'd been on the medical route to a child for so long---it was a process with which we were well acquainted---and switching paths was a big step for us; it was a shift from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Yet, as soon as we opened our hearts to adoption---we felt a great burden lift---and we were both surprised at how quickly we began to love this child that we've never met or can even completely imagine. And we feel at peace. We want to adopt because we love this child already---and we look forward to the day that we can be together.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Transformations
I love to knit. I love to knit because what starts out as one unremarkable knot on a stick eventually---with diligence and patience---becomes something useful---a dishrag, a scarf, a hat, a shawl, a blanket.....but really--the most satisfying part of knitting isn't completing a project---as the many half-finished projects languishing around my house can firmly attest to---it is the transformation. It is watching order emerge from what usually begins as something incomprehensible. Two rows of a lace pattern---when you stop and look at your work-- all you can think is---how did I fumble this up? It doesn't make any sense---it isn't nearly as pretty as the pictures I've seen...it's more like a tangled mess than anything else. But then you continue, you trust the pattern---and after some time...if you haven't in fact fumbled something up....order emerges....sometimes even something beautiful begins to take shape. It's that moment that I love. That little epiphany. I find that moment often in my profession as a music teacher as well. That moment between the first rehearsal and the final performance. The final performance---with the audience, the costumes, the set fully in place, the excitement of the children----some might think that's where I'd find the most satisfaction. But it's not---the satisfaction I find in my job lies in the moments between that first awful rehearsal when everything goes wrong and that final performance where everything has come together: watching relationships form between the children, being privy to the times when they discover that what they once thought was impossible is possible---that they are capable of more than they realize. That's really where I find my happiness--my peace.
Infertility sucks. I'll make no bones about it. It's a long, hard road littered with tears, disappointment, fear, and more unpleasant emotions swirling together than you could ever hope to name. The treatments one undergoes when combatting infertility are always expensive, sometimes painful, usually humiliating---and in our case---ultimately ineffective. The disappointment one feels at the end of each unsuccessful cycle is by far the worst part---worse than the injections and side effects, worse than the embarrassment of personal questions and dreadful procedures and tests.....the disappointment is devastating. There are people who will say, "Why don't you just adopt?" The truth is no one "just" adopts. Adoption is a long, rigorous, heart-wrenching, expensive process itself. There is no "just" about it. And when one pursues adoption after battling infertility---I believe that one's heart has to experience its own transformation. A couple must grieve for the biological children that they will probably never have. A couple must decide if adoption is right for them----and making that decision forces one to honestly confront the expectations that couple will have of being adoptive parents. It's not simple---in theory, in practice, or on paper.
After two years of fertility treatments---Stuart and I have decided that God is calling us to adopt. I think that God has been telling us this for a long time---but that we didn't want to hear it. I suppose we could have saved ourselves a lot of money and sorrow had we listened to Him in the first place----but I don't know....looking back on the road that lies between battling infertility with modern medicine and opening one's heart to adoption---I don't think I'd trade the past two years for a smoother passage. Flashes of images often cross my mind when it is idle: Stuart, holding my hand when I'm vulnerable; Stuart cracking jokes about the uterus x-ray which was ALWAYS on display in the doctor's office (and it wasn't even my uterus by the way, mine was never quite that famous) We never could fathom why it was always there since my uterus was fine and dandy thank you very much. Stuart liked to recall an episode of 30 rock where Dr. Spaceman (pronounced Spa-cheh-man---for any non 30 rockers out there) posed thoughtfully in front of an x-ray before pondering aloud: "Now where did I leave my car keys?" Stuart---being kind and strong---despite the fact that everything we went through was just as hard for him as it was for me. I wouldn't trade that time---though if one judges an experience from its outcome---that time was spent in vain. But I like knitting---and I like teaching music to elementary school kids----and I like those things because I value transformation---whether it be transforming yarn into scarves, or sour notes and disjointed rhythms into song----or hearts which are stubborn and hard into hearts which can accept the beautiful plan that God has for our lives---even if it isn't what we expected.
Yesterday, Stuart and I filled out the preliminary adoption papers. I feel as if this is one knot on the stick. I wonder what kind of beauty will emerge. The nice thing is that I have no pattern to fumble; I am not dependent on my clumsy fingers; I am dependent only on God---the one who wrote the pattern to begin with. That realization can sometimes be scary (teachers like to be in control)----but when I have my head on straight---and when I allow my heart to be fashioned in its rightful shape----I understand that the plans of God are not the plans of men---and that is an exceedingly good thing.
Infertility sucks. I'll make no bones about it. It's a long, hard road littered with tears, disappointment, fear, and more unpleasant emotions swirling together than you could ever hope to name. The treatments one undergoes when combatting infertility are always expensive, sometimes painful, usually humiliating---and in our case---ultimately ineffective. The disappointment one feels at the end of each unsuccessful cycle is by far the worst part---worse than the injections and side effects, worse than the embarrassment of personal questions and dreadful procedures and tests.....the disappointment is devastating. There are people who will say, "Why don't you just adopt?" The truth is no one "just" adopts. Adoption is a long, rigorous, heart-wrenching, expensive process itself. There is no "just" about it. And when one pursues adoption after battling infertility---I believe that one's heart has to experience its own transformation. A couple must grieve for the biological children that they will probably never have. A couple must decide if adoption is right for them----and making that decision forces one to honestly confront the expectations that couple will have of being adoptive parents. It's not simple---in theory, in practice, or on paper.
After two years of fertility treatments---Stuart and I have decided that God is calling us to adopt. I think that God has been telling us this for a long time---but that we didn't want to hear it. I suppose we could have saved ourselves a lot of money and sorrow had we listened to Him in the first place----but I don't know....looking back on the road that lies between battling infertility with modern medicine and opening one's heart to adoption---I don't think I'd trade the past two years for a smoother passage. Flashes of images often cross my mind when it is idle: Stuart, holding my hand when I'm vulnerable; Stuart cracking jokes about the uterus x-ray which was ALWAYS on display in the doctor's office (and it wasn't even my uterus by the way, mine was never quite that famous) We never could fathom why it was always there since my uterus was fine and dandy thank you very much. Stuart liked to recall an episode of 30 rock where Dr. Spaceman (pronounced Spa-cheh-man---for any non 30 rockers out there) posed thoughtfully in front of an x-ray before pondering aloud: "Now where did I leave my car keys?" Stuart---being kind and strong---despite the fact that everything we went through was just as hard for him as it was for me. I wouldn't trade that time---though if one judges an experience from its outcome---that time was spent in vain. But I like knitting---and I like teaching music to elementary school kids----and I like those things because I value transformation---whether it be transforming yarn into scarves, or sour notes and disjointed rhythms into song----or hearts which are stubborn and hard into hearts which can accept the beautiful plan that God has for our lives---even if it isn't what we expected.
Yesterday, Stuart and I filled out the preliminary adoption papers. I feel as if this is one knot on the stick. I wonder what kind of beauty will emerge. The nice thing is that I have no pattern to fumble; I am not dependent on my clumsy fingers; I am dependent only on God---the one who wrote the pattern to begin with. That realization can sometimes be scary (teachers like to be in control)----but when I have my head on straight---and when I allow my heart to be fashioned in its rightful shape----I understand that the plans of God are not the plans of men---and that is an exceedingly good thing.
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