On being significantly overweight....


I watched Howl's Moving Castle last week----and it really struck a chord in me.  In it--you meet Sophie---the eldest daughter of her family.  She works quietly, diligently---in a hat shop.  Her sisters go out and make different lives for themselves---and one of them asks her "Sophie, is this really what you want for yourself?"  And Sophie responds by reiterating that she is the eldest daughter---this is what her father would have wanted---she doesn't mind, etc.  The story world accepts witches and wizards as commonplace----and the beginning villainess of the piece is the Witch of the Waste.  In the movie, the witch of the waste transforms Sophie into an old woman out of jealousy after Howl (the wizard with the moving castle) shows an interest in Sophie.  Though at first Sophie is upset about her youth being taken from her in one swift spell----she accepts her new appearance and age remarkably quickly.  She says things like "Well now---this isn't so bad---your clothes finally suit you."   And she seems even happier when she realizes that staying and working in the hat shop wouldn't work out now that no one would recognize her.  She escapes her sense of obligation and sets the course of her life in a completely different direction.  Sophie meets up with Howl again after her transformation---and he attempts to break the curse that was put upon her.  And though her appearance remains the same----it's my understanding that he did break the curse.  What isn't readily apparent at first is that Sophie has a magic of her own---and that for the majority of the movie (though she doesn't realize it)---she is the only one who is keeping herself an old woman---because deep down she thought that being an old woman had its perks---it allowed her to go about her business without unwanted attention---it gave her an escape from a life she didn't choose but felt obligated to accept----it gave her an odd kind of courage:  "One of the nice things about being old is that you're no longer afraid of anything."  She spends an inordinate amount of time trying to find a way to break a spell that she herself had cast.....

Everyone has vices---everyone has faults----when you're significantly overweight----it isn't hard for the people around you to see that you struggle with eating too much---or moving too little---or maybe it's just setting and abiding by limits for yourself.  It isn't an invisible vice, I suppose is what I'm trying to say.  It's a problem on the inside that shows up in an obvious way on the outside.  I have been at a healthy weight before---I have been significantly overweight before.  People don't really talk about their views regarding overweight people to overweight people.  But when you're at a healthy weight---other people at a healthy weight say things to you.  I've heard people say of significantly overweight people:  "I just don't understand how anyone could do this to themselves.  I mean---it's a choice.  Just stop eating---and the weight will go away."  And the truth is---they are right.  Being significantly overweight---it's just like Sophie's spell---I cast it myself.  And maybe on some level---it was inadvertent---but for me---I think there are things that I kind of enjoy about being overweight.  (This is true for me---I'm not speaking of anyone else)  I've found that the following things are true for me when I am overweight---1--people are more careful what they say to me (and this also means that relationships are surface only relationships---part of me likes this because real relationships take a lot of work) 2--It gives me an odd kind of courage.  Being significantly overweight will help you grow a thick skin---though most people who are in your day to day world are kind and supportive---when you're out in the world,  some strangers feel free--or uninhibited enough---to make derogatory comments regarding your appearance.   And to protect yourself--- you begin to care very little (or at least pretend to care very little) about what other people think.  To some extent---I know this can be a good thing---but taken to the extreme---it hardens a heart.  3---It gives me an excuse to sit on the sidelines---which is less scary than participating in life---or in intentionally living a purposeful, God- driven life.  I'm beginning to realize that a frightening thing about idols is that they don't just distract you from seeking God (as if that weren't bad enough)---they lead your heart---direct it---change it---and not in a good way.....And if you try to fix them by yourself----you tend to just find another idol to replace the old one.....and it might even take a great deal of time to realize that you're right back where you started.  Fill up your heart with anything but God----and you're going to have a sickly heart---a hardened heart----a broken heart....

A couple of Easters back---one of our pastors gave us this illustration---he asked if we had ever seen elephants at the circus---had we ever noticed how these giant creatures were kept in check by a mere post on the ground.  Why doesn't the elephant just take a purposeful step???  It could easily rip the tether binding it to the post in the ground with very little effort.  And then he said he found out that trainers will begin binding the elephant to the post when it is a baby----and too small to break free.  The baby elephant will strain and pull and try to get away----but will be unable to do so. Eventually---it will give up.  And even when the elephant is grown and stronger---it will continue to believe that it can not break free from its tether---because it couldn't before---it must not be able to do so now either....And he said that we can be the same way.  Maybe we have tried to break free of sin before---we have tried on our own to stop our self-destructive habits on our own----and we were unable to do so.  We live a defeated life.  And sometimes---even after we have invited Christ into our hearts---even though God can free us from any chains that would bind us----we remember the time when we could not break free  on our own---and we continue to live a defeated life even though God has already broken us free.  And that's why it's so important to remind ourselves daily---of what Christ has done.  We have the strength to live life as a child of God---we are forgiven----and the new Spirit within us can do what the old spirit could not.....

I'm writing this to remind myself.  A couple of weeks ago--- I kind of just gave up----I thought I can't do this anymore---I don't even want to.  There are some things about being overweight that I actually like.....

I picked up Howl's Moving Castle on a whim----and that one little animated film somehow reminded me----I may have cursed myself----but God has broken it already.  I just have to remember the truth---that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  And sometimes the only voice that is telling me that I can't is my own---  And leading a defeated life is not what I want---what I want is to be free.  And that freedom is found only in the pursuit of God and the work of His kingdom.

Just a quick check in day.  Lost 1.4 pounds ---totaling almost 18 and a half pounds.
Thankful.

Just a quick check in day.  I lost 2.5 lbs this week---totaling about 17 in all since the beginning of January.  It becomes more and more apparent to me that God is the only way that this is possible for me.  When I ask God to lend me strength of spirit to break down these unhealthy (both physically and spiritually unhealthy) dependences---He really does lend me this strength.  So, that's a praise and a blessing.  And I'm grateful.  I finished exercising one day---and I just thought---I feel like I can breathe again---I feel like a person again---a person who knows the difference between what matters and what doesn't.  And that feeling of freedom----more than even the numbers on the scale----that is incentive to keep going.

Internet has been spotty at home all week---so haven't been able to really stay online long enough to post much this week.....It's been a somewhat challenging week.  However, every time I start to feel bogged down and just overwhelmed----perspective finds me.  As I've been tempted to compare myself to others---to find myself sorely lacking----a sense of calm overrides the encroaching panic.  I am who I am---I have strengths---I have weaknesses.  But my identity rests in neither of those---but only in Christ.  And day by day---it isn't about trying to be as good as or better than someone else---but just doing the best with what God gives me---and hoping to live a life that somehow reflects back just a little of His goodness---His light.  I'm grateful for these reassurances from a God who sees me---all of me---and still chooses to hold my hand during these moments of insecurity and fear---no matter how trivial they are when looked at under the magnifying glass.

Miriam has taken to repeating:  "Jesus loves me" many times throughout the day.  And this makes my heart happy.  (We'll focus on that and not the "MY Jesus!" where she uses the same emotion for MY as when she's claiming a favorite crayon or block..... Hahahahaha.  Oh toddler time---it's always fun.  :)   Love my sweet girl.)

Check in day.  Lost 1.4 pounds this week.  That makes about 15.4 pounds total lost.  Although I've stayed under my calorie goal for most of the week----I have missed my exercise session twice.  Once because I just thought that getting up at 5 on a day that I was going to be at school till seven might make me unbearably cranky----and once because after staying at work at school until seven---I just plain didn't feel like it.  So yeah---take that mild amounts of adversity.....

Eh---it's ok.  I've been dancing with the kids this week---a hip hop dance that I learned at a workshop with fourth and fifth graders----and a fun folk dance that is more like a game than a dance with third graders.  I figure that has me dancing at least 30-45 minutes a day....Count it.  :)


Discovered a food I didn't know I liked.....hummus...but apparently only pine nut hummus.  My new favorite food---low on the glycemic index---and does manage to fill you up with just a little--which is a good thing because it does have a fair amount of fat in it as well.

Also---I can eat celery and like it---IF there is a little peanut butter with it.  I have an aversion to celery usually----so I've come to the conclusion that if peanut butter can make celery better---it can make ANYTHING better.   Fun experiments ahead.

Yesterday, I think I was too angry at the snow that didn't happen to post here  :p  

You can read more about how my deeply rooted, long-standing grudge against snow began here:

Dear snow, although it’s certain
We’ve had our differences in the past
You and I both know that
This cold shoulder just can't last

For years now I have waited
For you to come around
And you have left me nothing
But a dusting on the ground.

Or you’ve blown in with the wind
For Friday afternoon bus duty
Did anyone ever teach you
Mockery’s just snooty.

Ok--you’ve had your fun
But it’s time to mend our fences
Just pop on over for a visit
Come back to your senses.

I just want to tell you
That hey---there’s no hard feelings
I still love you—I still care
I still find you quite appealing.

And should you show up casually
On Monday afternoon
I would welcome you with gladness
That’s all—hope to see you soon.

But since the composition of this poem----I have come to the conclusion that there are hard feelings towards snow----many, many, many, many hard feelings.  And even if it DID snow at this point---I wouldn't speak to it.  Bring on the spring---that's right snow---you heard me---spring---warm sunshine I'm rooting for you now---down with snow and all things icy  (Do you think my reverse psychology will work on snow? )

Anyhow---nutrition and exercise wise---still hangin in there.  Lately---I've caught myself thinking---Ok--my goal is to be down this many pounds by the end of the week.  All the while---the truth of the matter is---that's the very mindset I wanted to avoid when starting out with this whole thing.  If I don't lose even one pound----but am making healthy choices and learning not to lean on food as a crutch----if I can---remain at war with this idol in my life----at lean on God the way I'm built to----well, that would be the point.  And nothing else.  So---this is a nice place to remind myself of that.

Miriam is saying more everyday----and she adds people that she loves to her ongoing monologues every day too.  God bwess Ashwey and Kwisty.  God bwess Jackie and Janice.  God bwess Banni-G (whose name is actually Giovanni, but Miriam has renamed him Banni-G)  I am proud of how much Miriam loves people.  I am such an introvert----and though I often admire people---pray for them on an ongoing basis---and hope for God's blessings on their lives---I do poorly with communicating my feelings towards them.  I am not at easy person to be around socially----it's awkward---for me---and I imagine for the people around me as well.  And I am at a place where I'm ok with that---but I love that my daughter is different from me is this respect.  I love that she hugs people without abandon----that she loves people in general---and is sooo stinkin' excited to see them. I'm going to be real for a minute---and hope it's ok.   Sometimes these differences are a reminder to me that Miriam and I don't share genes---that we lack that biological connection.  And at times, I won't lie----that can hurt a little---scare me a bit---because I wonder---will we be able to relate well to each other as Miriam grows up?  But then---at the same time---I know that although I am certain our relationship will have challenges that are specific to adoption related issues----at the same time---these differences that I notice---Miriam being an extremely extroverted, active (really turning out to be a tad athletic---the kid can make a basket 9 times out of 10) little girl----they are what make Miriam Miriam---and I love Miriam.  I wouldn't want her to be anyone else.  I'm proud of who she is---and even if I am the introvert who would rather sit in the chair with my knitting and a book on tape----I'm glad Miriam is the kid who is telling me "Mommy--pway ball.  Pway ball.  Pway mommy pway."  I'm glad she isn't afraid to get in the game....and I'm glad God blessed us with our daughter.  This home---this family---is changed completely because of Miriam----and though the insecurities that are intrinsic to an adoptive family are certain to crop up now and then----beneath those ripples on the water---the deep is still, rich, and brimming with beauty. 

Sting me with a phrase
Unhinge me with a word
While I--I remain silent
Consequently feel unheard.

Be terse and be unkind
Though not outrightly cruel
Just drain your voice of warmth
And train your expression to be cool.

And I---I hardly know you
You're no confidante---no friend
Yet I lose my balance
Totter and descend.

From the corner of my eye
Behind the next breath taken
Already there's within me
A voice that leaves me shaken.

You are not who you should be
You are less than I would hope
You are always just free falling
Down an ever sharpening slope.

Your voice joins the other
That was already there
And they tightly wind together
And remain like braids of hair.

And who am I--that I cannot
Untangle strands of three:
Who I am, who I'm not
And who I'm perceived to be.

"Quiet," says my Companion
"Be still," says my Friend
"Child of mine, be silent,
I'm here---let me attend."

Deftly, gentle hands work
Through too tightly braided hair
One section at a time falls loose
And I---I feel seen and bare.

I hide my face within my hands
But Friend says---"Look at me.
He holds the strands in isolation
Independently.

This one---who you are
Your identity
Remember---this is simple
Beloved---you belong to Me.

The second--who you're not
Your deficiency...
I am perfect in your weakness
My Grace is sufficiency.

And finally--the third
Who you're perceived to be.
This one doesn't matter
Beloved--you belong to Me.

Beloved--you belong to Me.

Just a quick check in day----I lost 2.2 pounds this week.   So that makes about 14 pounds in all.  Still staying under my allotted calories most days.  Up to 15 minutes of exercise in the mornings now.....and yes I know that's a pitiful amount...but increasing by 5 minutes every two weeks makes me feel like I can actually do the exercise.  I have lost a large amount of weight in the past----and I know that exercise is a critical thing for me---so I don't want to burn out early.  I want to just gradually add it in so that each little bump up will feel more natural.  Still praying for strength to stick with this----and some days are harder than others right now.  But I know God is lending me perseverance---and answering my prayers.