I've been a shadow

A giant as well--

One foot in this world

One foot bound for hell.

But great fear and great pain--
They draw back the curtain
Between that which is questionable
And that which is certain.
No matter I was too proud
To call out His name
No matter my foolishness
He came just the same.

The dogs started barking about five minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off this morning.  So--there's that.

Sorry--sleepier than usual this morning---all of this may not make a ton of sense.  

From Piper's devotion: "How does a dead man obey a command to live again?  The answer seems to be: The command carries the power to create new life.  Obedience to the command means doing what living people do.  This is extremely important.  The command of God, "Rise from the dead!" carries in it the power we need to obey it.  We do not obey it by creating that life.  We obey it by doing what living people do---Lazarus came forth.  He rose.  He walked out to Jesus.  The call of God creates life.  We respond in the power of what the call created."

Sometimes living a Godly life seems impossible----seems completely undoable.  I suppose that's because it is impossible---for me--for anyone---so long as we leave God out of the equation.  The commands of God carry within them the power we need to obey them.  I know that if I try to live two minutes outside of keeping God forefront in my heart that in the next two minutes I'm going to be crying out and saying--God, have mercy on me, a sinner.  

Some blessings---beautiful Sunday.  After a really good message from Pastor Lorritts about going to war with your idols (strange how precisely relevant that was for me)----we took Miriam to the Botanic Gardens and let her ride her tryke around the paths that weave through My Big Backyard.  It was lovely---and I'm thankful for that special time we had together.  

Giants and shadows 
Threaten and knock

Rattling the doors

And unhinging the locks.

But shadows are nothing

More than reflections

Shades of reality

Vague misconceptions.

And giants too large

In their own estimation

See none but themselves

And this is damnation....

Fridays are going to be my weigh-in/check-in day.  I know I need the accountability to continue on this path.  I've been tracking calories with that little My Fitness App---which lets you say how much weight you want to lose per week and then gives you a calorie goal for each day.  I set mine to lose just 1 pound a week.   And I am attempting to go 30 days without sugar (not completely---I still eat fruit and yogurt---really I guess I'm just going thirty days without dessert food or using sugar as a sweetener, if that makes sense.)  I have noticed that when the cookies and candies are cut out of the equation, you really don't fill up your calorie goal as quickly and get more bang for your buck.  I guess that's common sense---but I haven't really ever tried to completely cut all of that out before---so it's new to me.  

So, for week 1:  I lost 5 pounds.  I know a lot of that is probably just water weight.  And I do have a large amount a weight that I need to lose, so I know I will lose a little faster here at the beginning.  But I'm happy with that.  

I haven't started exercising yet---I want to add everything in slowly----really going for lifestyle changes here.  So the plan is to track calories for a couple of weeks---and then add in just a few minutes of exercise---and slowly increase time/intensity.  I used to love to exercise---it always cleared my head and made me feel more myself.  So, I'm looking forward to slowly building up to that again.

Perhaps it sounds silly for me to say that God is lending me strength throughout this---(I know it's only been a few days)----but I know that He is.  I know that as long as I lean on Him---and not on other, lesser things (food, peer approval, etc)----that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  I hope that throughout this year, I can grow stronger in Him alone---both spiritually and physically.  And that in Him---I can become who I'm meant to be---a Godly wife, mother, friend, teacher---and whatever other hat God wants me to wear---whatever other role I'm meant to fill.  

This morning reflection time is a time of prayer as well as reflection and devotion.  I have some friends and family members right now going through some incredibly difficult things.  I want you to know--if you're reading this----that this time of prayer has been a lot about you.  It's all I know how to do where I am---but I know that God will wrap His arms around you---I know that whatever you face---you won't face it alone.  I haven't been able to find the right words to say---or the right time to say them---I just come up blank.  But my heart is with you---and my prayers.  

"And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weaknesses; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

This morning, I am thankful for yesterday---for a successful day at school---for feeling like God can still use me there---for His strength and not mine.  It is difficult when everything is assigned a number---everything is evaluated, whether or not it is subjective---whether or not it is even under your control.  It's just difficult.  But it shouldn't be---because deep down, I know those numbers don't really mean anything.  The only thing that I can really give significance to is the answer to these questions----Am I being obedient to God today?  Am I treating others the way He would want me to? Am I working on building up His kingdom? Am I remembering to not attempt to seize control---but rather, to rest in His will.  It's silly the things we worry about-----just a pattern of numbers that are supposed to represent your merit.  And yes--with all the uncertainties that abound---it's easy to think---those numbers determine my future, my career---etc.  But no---they really don't.  Nothing and no one but God determines anything.  So---I'll continue to just do my best---and to try and depend on Him for the strength I need.  Because---surprisingly enough---it seems He's lending it to me, just like He said He would.  The evil part of me likes to say---Yes, but for how long?  And then,  I think it's the Holy Spirit that whispers---Well, for as long as you'll let Him.

Quotes from this morning's devotional:

After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ---will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.   1 Peter 5:10

Referring to this verse, John Piper says:  "The assurance that He will not delay beyond what we can endure and that He will abolish the flaws we bemoan and that he will establish forever what has tottered so long---that assurance comes from all grace..."

In Genesis this morning, I read about the Tower of Babel.   I love the story of the Tower of Babel. It showcases humans doing what they do best---saying--eh, I can do this myself.  I'll pull myself up by my bootstraps---build a tower to heaven----I don't need God's strength---I've got my own.  And God knows that when we do things on our own---if we really got our way and He just let us do whatever we wanted---without Him---that would be hell.  Which is totally what we deserve---so He could've just said---Ok kids---go ahead---build that tower---be your own God.  Good luck with that.  But no---God loves us---He continually comes after us even when we run from Him.  Because He has such beautiful plans for us---much more lovely than anything we could create or imagine----and even when we run---He just keeps on a coming.  Thankful, this morning.  Thankful for every blessing that I don't deserve.  Thankful that every time I've run---or started building my tower---God has come after me.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."

---Jim Elliot, a missionary who was killed on January 8, 1956---while trying to bring the gospel to Auca tribe of 60 people.

Today, I want to try and remember what matters.  Do not give significance to the insignificant.  Do not hold on to insignificant things while losing as grasp on what is significant.  Every day is a new chance to recognize the weakness in myself and to understand that God's love and God's work can be made complete even in my weakness---if I let go of trying to be in control of everything----and just allow God to be the focus and the heart of my life.

And we can question
What's right and what matters
Actions---reactions
The mind shifts and scatters.

Part of me really wants to say--ok---one day down:  one day of tracking calories---one day of no sugar excluding yogurt and fruit.  One day of getting up early and having a quiet time---and an extra cleaning time.  Isn't it funny how I'm tempted to just treat life as some huge countdown clock sometimes.  I do it all the time.  One day down, four days to go until Friday.  One class down---five more to go until the end of the day.  I'm not sure why I do this--I know it would be better to view time---wherever that time is spent---as opportunity---not something to wish away.

This morning I scrubbed the tub.  I hate scrubbing the tub.  Of all household tasks (including scrubbing a toilet)---scrubbing the tub for me remains the most reviled.  But---now it's shiny---it almost looks new again.  There's a simple thread of peace in a task such as that one----taking something grungy and scrubbing it till it shines.

Sorry---this blog is likely to be a little rambling for a bit, since it's being composed in the morning before coffee.

Today was Genesis 8---"But God remembered Noah and all the beasts and all the livestock that were with him in the ark.  And God made a wind blow over the earth, and waters subsided."  The waters subsided---that's the part sticking with me this morning----the part about God's mercy---the part where God remembers the man who was always wanting to walk with him.

“Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me.”  ----J. K Rowling

I love this Rowling quote, so as I begin this new endeavor towards leaning more on God---and less on my crutch of choice (food)----I want to remind myself that this really isn't about being "not fat" anymore.  I've always felt fat---whether I was a size 12 or a size 22---so obviously my perspective is skewed in that regard anyhow---and in my case---my physical issues are more a reflection of what's going on internally anyhow.....

So, this is me---making a commitment to doing three things each morning before the rest of my family rises:  

Spending some time alone in God's word.

Cleaning up and beginning the process of purging this house out---I've been holding on to some stuff for far too long.  And once the day gets going, it's difficult to find the time/energy to sift through drawers and closets.

And spending a few minutes each day writing here, in this blog.  I feel like I am better at keeping commitments when I write and remind myself why I am making them.

This morning---I read from Genesis---I started at Genesis 6.  And so, wow.  That's kind of depressing, right.  When God says the earth is filled with violence and that he was sorry He made mankind.....man.  I don't want to grieve God---and these days, it just seems like things I do too many things without consulting Him---I don't want to do that anymore.  I really want to live a life that is about building up God's kingdom---not just kind of---making it through.  I want to start walking with Him, intentionally.  So--these quiet times seem like a good place to start.  During Jesus' time on earth, He spent time alone, in fellowship with the Father.  And I think---if Jesus (God incarnate) needed that time alone in prayer and meditation---how much more so do I need that time alone.  And too often, I just don't take it.  I pray that as I spend time in God's word---that it will take root in my heart and grow in my life---so that I stop depending on other things to give me joy---or to make me less anxious.  This year is going to be less about a diet---and more about breaking down some idols in my life---and depending solely on God for strength and a life that is meaningful and driven by His will--and not mine.  

Christmas 2013

Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
An unblemished love existed
In the folds of time---before reason or rhyme
In perfection, this trinity persisted.

These three in one were joyful
As only Good can be
No hatred, no deceptive veil---no sorrow, no betrayal
Only pure and blessed unity.

They or He knew humans
What we could only be
Hateful, fleeting creatures--with prideful, sinful features
And yet They or He said "Come and walk with me."

O Holy and Pure God
Whose face we cannot bear
Who can too soon reveal what we strive to keep concealed
A heart of stone that's broken in despair.

What you created beautifully
We all too soon destroyed
With faith that was misplaced with one disobedient trace
The arc from man to God was split---and void.

Broken is the world
Broken are its inhabitants
We devise our broken schemes, while our words are bursting at the seams
Aching to be something more than blasphemous.

But our sin is an affront
To a holy and just God
His light can only show every sordid thing we sow
So we cloak ourselves in darkness deep and broad.

And yet Father, Son, and Ghost
Always knew this would occur
They knew humans would disobey and always try to run away
And still, together, Trinity concurred:

We shall not leave them broken
Nor let them run away
God and sinner will unite
All will yet be set to right
Though to this end, a price still must be paid.

We cannot tolerate sin
Or bear it in our sight
And even if we could, then we would not be Good
Or the holy God we are of might and light.

But God said I'll pay the debt
Though this means I live and die
I shall don humanity---to give them eternity
And the fabric of creation breathed a sigh.

Some would say the three part ways
When Son is born on Earth
But in this Christmas history---still remains the holy mystery
Of one all God and all man at His birth.

God becomes incarnate
God has come to dwell with us
We've run from Him, we've hidden---we have done all things forbidden
Still he seeks us in our fear and our mistrust.

Immanuel---God with us
The world is no longer dim
He will take each heart of stone and give it Spirit--not our own
And live within us so that we might walk with Him.

All that has been broken
God has come to mend
And not just from afar--like a small and distant star
But with us, near us, in us---as a friend.

So rejoice with me---be glad
And offer up your praise
To the God who has delivered---revived all that was withered
Merry Christmas--on this holiest of days.
Merry Christmas---on this holiest of days.