First thing yesterday morning, I ran into the same little girl while I was at bus duty.  I was so excited to talk to her because our conversation from the day before had stuck with me.

As I approached her, I overheard her talking with another little girl---they were making plans for when they would sit together---at lunch, at indoor recess, etc.  And it made me smile.

I asked her quietly---"So did you work things out."

"Yes!" the little girl smiled---"We did!  And now we've even made up a rhyme together."  And so she and the other little girl proceeded to perform an elaborate hand game as they chanted rhymes about girls with yellow hair and boyfriends named Jello----and other silliness that only friends can fully share.  

It was a good moment.

Especially after the bit of a rough start yesterday.  I swear I think my brain is already deteriorating.  I drove past the school yesterday on the way to drop Miriam off at daycare---and noticed there were a lot of cars there.  I'm usually one of the first ones there, so I was a bit surprised though not overly alarmed. Hmmm, I thought to myself, that's funny.  After dropping Miriam at daycare, I came back to school---walked in the building----and saw a lot of teacher's kids playing together in a classroom.  And that's when it hit me---faculty meeting.  7:45 faculty meeting.  I checked the time---it was 8:20 when I finally discovered my mistake.  I stood in the hallway---contemplated going in to the meeting late----but just couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of drawing that much attention to myself. The new superintendent of Bartlett schools was there today meeting with us.  I had been looking forward to this meeting.  How had I completely flaked out on a faculty meeting?  I went back to the car and cried for a few minutes. I was so angry with myself.  I called Stu and told him what I'd done---he tried to tell me---it's ok---it's not the end of the world if you miss a meeting.  And then I got kind of angry with him too.  (one of my prayers is for a gentle spirit----that one needs an under construction sign)

I don't know---sometimes I just feel like I'm doing everything poorly---everything.  I know those feelings aren't completely accurate----but I do feel it's true I make more mistakes than I used to.  I forget things, legitimately forget---important things.

But ---then I try to remember something our pastor talked about last week----our identity isn't in our weaknesses---our struggles.  Our identity is in Christ.  Spending time beating myself up about things I'm not doing well---I don't know....it's one thing to go to war with your idols----which I'm trying to do---but it's another thing to focus solely on intrinsic character traits about yourself and wish you were different.....I'm a forgetful person....absentminded-----not that I shouldn't try to write myself notes---make extra effort to remember important things----but this feeling of "not good enough"---that isn't valid.  My identity---anything good in me----anything of worth in me----can be found in Christ, and in Christ alone.  And His grace is sufficient for me.  

It is ridiculous how little it takes to sink my meager ship when I forget this.  Perspective-----I'm praying for that too.

 

I was walking back to my classroom yesterday---and a little girl in the first grade was walking beside me---headed in the same general direction.

"Hi Mrs. Finch," she said cheerily.

I said Hello back and asked "How are you doing today?"

The little girl said, "Fine--" and it seemed sincere.  But a minute later, she said "Well, actually---not so fine."

I said--"Oh really?  What's going on?"

She answered sadly--"Lost a friend----a best friend."

"Oh---that's terrible.  How did that happen?"

"She says I never sit by her....but I always sit by her every day." and then, with a desperate since of exasperation that you don't normally hear from first graders she said---"Come on---just cut me a break already."

I told her---"Well, I wouldn't give up on her just yet.....you should try talking to her.  It is a serious thing to lose a friend---a best friend.  And sometimes all it takes to keep a friend is a talk.   Maybe she misunderstood something----and she thinks you don't want to be her friend anymore.  Try to clear it up---and see what happens, ok.  Don't give up..."

She nodded, but didn't look too optimistic---and walked into her classroom.

Today---I hope I have the chance to ask her what happened.  Because it truly is a serious thing to lose a friend---a best friend.  I'm pretty sure she already knew that---I think first graders understand that more than we adults do sometimes.  Friendships are important----and they're worth saving.

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Stuart had to go pick Miriam up yesterday from daycare.  Although she seemed fine at home---and fine when I dropped her---they called and said she had been crying ever since I left---rolling around on the floor and holding her stomach.  She had calmed down by the time Stu picked her up----and he took her to the doctor for an 11:15 appointment.  The doctor said she seemed fine---he listened to her breathing because she's had a cough for a couple of weeks---he felt her tummy---and said it felt normal---checked her bloodwork---also fine.  He said---it might be a virus and that if it was she might feel worse that afternoon or evening.  But Miriam felt just fine all evening----so we're thinkin' gas---and limiting dairy as recommended by doctor.  Miriam usually has some pretty big meltdowns at the doctor's office---but Stu said she was really actually very sweet this go-round.  When the doctor came in---Miriam asked--"Who's dat?"  Stuart told her--"It's the doctor."  Miriam said:  "Doctor?  Doctor?"  She was good while he did everything he had to do---and didn't even cry when they stuck her finger.  She did however cry when they put the bandaid on--"Sticker off!  Sticker off!" she demanded.  Hahaha.  When the doctor left she said---"Bye bye doctor......that's my doctor."

I'm really glad Miriam seems fine and isn't sick----but I'm also really glad Stu left work early to get her. Yesterday---there was a lot of rain, freezing rain, and flooding on the roadways.  I was glad that Stu and Miriam were home before it got really bad.  Count that whole story under the blessings column please.

From Piper's devotion:  This morning I read about the "Five Ways affliction helps"---I really like this article---so I'll post those five ways here----as a reminder that affliction isn't something to curse and be angry over---but rather it can be seen as a way to grow closer to God in relationship....

"Affliction takes the glibness of life away and makes us more serious so that our mindset is more in tune with the seriousness of God's word."

"Affliction knocks worldly props from under us and forces us to rely more on God, which brings us more in tune with the aim of the world"

"Affliction makes us search the Scriptures with greater desperation for help, rather than treating it as marginal to life."

"Affliction brings us into the fellowship of Christ's sufferings so that we fellowship more closely with him and see the world more readily through his eyes."

"Affliction mortifies deceitful and distracting fleshly desires, and so brings us into a more spiritual frame which fits God's word more."

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I had one of those dreams that was still going on right as the alarm clock's jarring buzzer started ringing in my head.....one of those dreams that leaves you disoriented because you wake up so abruptly from this other reality.  All my teeth had started to fall out (lovely, right?)  Just one at a time at first---and then by the handful---could have made a killing off the tooth fairy...  Anyhow---obviously I'm pretty upset that all my teeth are falling out----but a beautiful woman---I suppose she was a dentist, though she was dressed more for an outing to some grand party---don't remember much---but I remember dangling earrings and a dazzling necklace with amber jewels---anyhow---the lady started putting my teeth back in place, one by one.  And when she had finished----she said---there, now see----you're beautiful.   And right after she had put me to rights----she was fired from her job.....I woke up right as I was trying to comfort her.  A little disturbing really----made me think of role reversals a bit.  How we tend to put the people who have been there for us---up on a pedestal---and we somehow think that nothing bad will ever touch them.  And yet----those people are human too----living in the same broken world as we live in----and the brokenness---the affliction----it will find them too at some point.....And we may be the ones who need to pick up the pieces the next time.....

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Keeping my prayers in a separate notebook right now---but I will say that I'm praying for change.  I keep praying for situations to change----but I've also prayed that if it isn't God's will for these situations to change----then I pray for change within myself.....

Blessings: Laughter.  When I was student teaching, the principal of Campus School told us "My advice to you is this.  Laugh----laugh whenever you can---as often as you can."  She knew what she was talking about.  

Check-in day.  I lost .8 pounds this week---that makes  11.8 in total, I think.  This week was a bit tough.  I was ill on Tuesday---didn't eat a lot----but on Wednesday, I was starving---got to the point where I just didn't measure things out or count anything much.  I still avoided sugar----and I really don't think I ate anything too awful.  But---I didn't really accurately track what I was eating.  I exercised Monday and Tuesday (before I got sick later that morning)----but then I was still feeling beat down on Wednesday---so I skipped exercising----Thursday I just forgot to reset my alarm.  And now, here we are on Friday with a loss of less than a pound.  But that's really ok.  Feeling well enough about that.  So long as the scale is going down---so long as I'm not bailing out on the fight---I'm ok with it.

Read about Jacob wrestling with the angel this morning.  I love this story.  There's a great article about that here :  www.unionchurch.com/archive/100399.html

I always wondered---how did Jacob wrestle with an angel and win?  How is that even possible?


I love the article's explanation.  It talks about how Jacob had been fighting with God---really all is life---tricking people---deceiving and lying to get his way---without ever relying on God to care for him...This fight happens right after Jacob fled from Laban---and right before he's going back to the lands of Esau--as God commanded him---and he's frightened of Esau----because the last time he saw Esau---he stole his inheritance by pretending to be Esau---the oldest son---while speaking with his aged father.

God tried to get Jacob to understand that the real fight isn't the one going on between Jacob and Esau---but the one going on between Jacob and God.  The angel wrestles with him---all night long----but when the angel is ready to go---he dislocates Jacob's hip with a mere touch.  It isn't as if the angel couldn't have overtaken Jacob in the fight effortlessly at any moment----he fought with him for Jacob's sake.  He fought with him all night until Jacob was completely exhausted---and ready to rely only on God----until Jacob said "Bless me."  Until Jacob acknowledges where the blessings are really coming from----they don't come from Jacob's cleverness or his machinations----they come from God...

The angel also asks Jacob---Who are you?  The last person who asked Jacob---who are you?  was his father when he was about to bestow his blessing upon the person he thought was his eldest son.  The last time Jacob answered that question---it was with a lie---I'm Esau---he said to his father....  So it's doubtful that this is a coincidence when the angel asks this question again---a question that he obviously knows the answer to.....it's a reminder----it forces Jacob to confront who he really is---what he has really done----and when Jacob answers truthfully---the angel blesses him.....

Any struggle we have with God doesn't keep going because God can't end it with one touch....one breath....it goes on for our own growth....to bring about self-awareness---to bring about the realization that God is the only thing we need to depend on....I love how beautifully this story depicts that...

Blessings:  sweet friends that I get to teach with.  So--a few days ago we were celebrating a friend's birthday at work.  My friends at work know that I'm trying to cut out sweets for a month.  Our librarian went to pick up cupcakes for the celebrations---but she also picked up a cup of mango for me---because she said I should have a treat too.  It wasn't even my birthday---and she went through the trouble to find out my favorite fruit (I never would have said mango if I'd known she was actually planning on grabbing some for me--it can be troublesome to find--I thought we were just talking about fruit---I'm kind of oblivious....most of the time)---and then bring it along with the cupcakes the next day.  I am blessed by sweet and thoughtful friends.

Another blessing---cooking a meal that didn't turn out awful or result in fire, flood, or any other natural disaster which is common in my kitchen.  Yay for Pioneer Woman cooks sour cream noodle bake.  Turned out well---and things are left basically intact.  Huzzah.

Prayers:  Again---they repeat.  Today, one of my family members is having that second interview---so I prayed especially for her today.  Also, it is a friend's birthday---so I prayed for her too---that she would feel beloved today.

Reading about Jacob and Esau today.  It's always been difficult for me to understand the story of Jacob and Esau.  Jacob schemes and lies to steal away Esau's birthright---and then again to take his blessing.   The commentary I'm reading says that Jacob does these things because he is spiritually hungry---and that God will work with imperfect people----God will be present with imperfect people---when they passionately pursue him.  The Bible says Esau despised his birthright----and the commentary notes that Esau was more concerned with the physical world than the spiritual one.  There's a verse somewhere that says something like--"For Jacob have I loved and Esau have I hated."  That one has always disturbed me....


Of course, God would have blessed Jacob regardless.  Jacob didn't really have to lie and cheat his way into having God's blessings---and Jacob will have a hard life for a few years because of his treachery.  But God will not give up on him.  As Jacob is fleeing his home, because Esau is literally ready to kill him----he has a dream---Jacob's ladder---the angels going up and down.  God gives Esau the same promise He gave to Abraham---about blessing His family.  And He says:  "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land.  For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."  Genesis 28:15

I can't help of think of the dreams I had when Stuart and I were going through the adoption process.  Two have stayed with me.  One dream---after we met M, the biological mother of a child who had chosen us to parent---but who would ultimately decide to parent herself.  Stu and I had met her several times---and we thought M was lovely and vibrant.  Stu and I had stayed up talking late one night---about how--yes, we wanted a child----but how, part of us was very sad that the child couldn't stay with his biological mother.  We were both excited about the prospect of parenting----but also very sad about the brokenness that is intrinsic to adoption.  For us to have a new family---another family must first be broken.  It is not an easy thing to accept.  That night, I dreamed---I stood with a man---nondescript---and he just told me---"This is all going to work out.  More than just work out---it's going to be good.  It's going to look as if things aren't ok----but they are.  All will be well."  At the time, I thought that perhaps the dream meant the adoption would work out for the best.  Looking back, I think it meant that the child would end up where he was supposed to end up---with his first family----and that all is well.

The second dream occurred the night before Miriam was born----an old woman sat with me on a mossy stone.  And she told me matter of factly:  "You can do this.  You can do this because the Holy Spirit is with you.  The Holy Spirit is in you.  The Holy Spirit is around you."  And she repeated those words.  And the next day---as Miriam's birth was accompanied by uncertainty about whether or not the adoption would take place--the Holy Spirit was with us.  In the coming days, as we would fall in love with our daughter---I would see Stuart, as I can still see him vividly now---sitting in the chair with Miriam's fingers curled around his---he would meet my eyes---and we would be thinking the same thing---what if this adoption plan falls through?  And even then---the Holy Spirit was with us---gave us a peace beyond understanding.....

God is with us---even when we are imperfect.....

I write these things today to memorialize them----as Jacob laid the stones to remember---I'm writing these words to remember----the goodness of God.  The way he comes to us in the details of our lives and cares for us with such kindness that we don't deserve.   God is good.

Blessings:  getting to hang out with Joshua, Nikki, Ashley, and Kristy last night.
                   And many, many more

Prayers:  they repeat still....they are many as well.

Well, checkin day for week 3.  I lost 2 pounds this week.  So I'm down 11 in all.  I stayed under my calorie goal every day except for Wednesday when I went a couple of hundred calories over.  But yesterday, I was significantly under the calories I could have used---so I say it all works out in the end.  I've added exercise this week.  Very little---just 10 minutes in the morning on my own and 10 at night with the kiddo.  I enjoy the light floor aerobics routines that are a little dancey.  I've found that I do best if the patterns of movement are varied enough that I have to think more about the steps than how fast I'm moving.  And I cannot stick with a program where the instructor marches, dances, exercises, whatever---off the beat.  The music teacher in me just can't handle it.  Petra Kolber is really just a delightful instructor via DVD---and I enjoy her routines.  So that's going well.  I plan to keep it at my little piddly ten minutes am and pm one more week before upping my exercise time a bit.  I could handle more physically---but training myself to get up earlier is the biggest challenge here---and I'm really in no hurry.  I have no time limit on losing weight, etc.  I just want to be fit to serve---I want to break down the idol of food (which is a sad thing to admit, but I do think food is an idol when I let it control me the way that I have in the past)  And I want to be able to keep up with my athletic, little girl.

Today, I am thanking God for blessing me with three weeks of strength to stick with this.  Because---let's not kid ourselves----on my own---I just can't do it.  On my own, I need a chocolate shake to make it through the day.  But with God---I just need to remember to call on the strength that He's already agreed to give me.  And I want to lean on Him----and nothing else.


Still reading through Genesis each morning.  Right now, I'm reading about Isaac's family---his wife, Rebekah---his sons:  Jacob and Esau.  Just a side note---I talked about Abraham yesterday, traveling through Abimelech's lands and telling everyone his wife was his sister to save his own skin.  I didn't remember at all that Isaac does the same thing---travels through Abimelech's land and tells everyone that Rebekah is his sister----because he believes that someone will kill him so he can have her for himself.  Which--I suppose---when you read through the Old testament you see that it is a legitimate concern.  But still---come on guys...really???  Again, imperfect people being blessed by a holy, perfect God.  And thank goodness God doesn't treat us the way we deserve to be treated....

Blessings:  I try really hard to remember my kids' names---it's difficult because I see the whole school---and I tend to get sibling groups mixed up, etc.  But the kids know I really try to learn their names because I take little name tests at certain times throughout the year---just to make sure I'm keepin up with everyone.  They love it when I take a name test---and they especially love it if I happen to get a name wrong.  But that's another story.  After class on Wednesday, two of my fifth graders generally like to stay after class and give me a name test whether I want to take it or not.  A boy and a girl approach me--"What's my name???" they ask each week.  And here's the thing---I know their names, but they come up with elaborate nicknames that I am also supposed to remember---and the nicknames change on a weekly basis---ridiculous things like Fabio, Ferdinand, etc.  It's just a game we play.  So this Wednesday---I said Fabio and M-dawg.  Now, M-dawg is this little skinny, quiet as a mouse girl---so I find the name M-dawg somewhat hilarious.  Then M-dawg tells me--No I'm Mad--dawg!  And now Fabio wants to be called J-dawg.  I tell M-dawg---I'm so sorry Mad-dawg---I will try to get it together for you.  She pats me on the shoulder---with fake concern and humor lining her face---"It's ok Mrs. Finch, one day you'll get it right."  I just love these little, silly moments with the kids.  They make me happy.

Yesterday morning, first thing---a kid in the hallway randomly told me--"You are so beautiful,"  Such sweetness.

Prayers:  family members with illness, difficulties.
                 Students dealing with illnesses.
                 Family member still getting ready for that interview that keeps getting pushed back.
                 And many more.