I woke up thinking about relationships this morning.  How people change and grow.  I've heard people say things before like, "A tiger can't change his stripes,"---and I suppose that in a frustrating relationship with someone who just seems caught in a loop of undesirable behaviors--- it can feel that way sometimes.  But when I look back on what I've seen so far----thankfully, that just doesn't seem to be true all of the time.  We are changed by our experiences/our surroundings---in good ways---in not so good ways----as surely as an egg in a pot of boiling water is changed by its environment.  And when you throw God into the mix---who delights in making all things new----on perfecting His plan by using the most imperfect people----well, things can really get interesting.  In Miriam's bible, it starts off by saying something like, "Some people think the bible is a book of rules.....others think it's a book about heroes telling stories about what they have done for God.....but really the Bible is about God and what He has done."  It isn't difficult to see that the "heroes" of the Bible are just people---people struggling with sin, fear, and misconceptions---and everything good that they accomplish is done only with the strength of a graceful, merciful God.  Even Abraham----that story about Abraham traveling through unfamiliar territory kills me----he gets scared of the people there---anxious that they will kill him because Sarah is so beautiful that they will want her.  So he tells Sarah---"Do me this kindness.  You must say that you are my sister..."  Oh come on, Abraham.  Really?  Luckily, when Abimelech wants to take Sarah as his wife---God intervenes.  The story of Abraham and Sarah's marriage fascinates me----because it must have been one rocky ride.  And yet---despite all this----in the end, we see Abraham mourning Sarah---going through a great deal of trouble to find a suitable burial place for her.  We know he loved her.  I imagine she loved him---in spite of everything.  I am reminded again to show grace in relationships----none of us are already who we will become.  We are all works in progress---God shows us enormous grace----and when we are given this much grace ourselves---it is expected that we also give that kind of grace to others through our friendships, marriages, relationships of any kind.

CS Lewis gives another perspective on why we should be kind and show grace in our dealings with each other:

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendours."

Or, put another way:

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet if at all only in a nightmare."

Lewis reminds us that we all go on forever---one way or the other---we become the companions of God, as was intended when we were created----or we become creatures of infinite wickedness.....and so it is no small thing how we relate to each other......how we treat one another....

May the seeds that are planted
Find good soil and take root
May they grow, may they flourish
May they bear healthy fruit.

Lord, please forgive me
When my branches are bare
When I turn from Your joy
And turn towards despair

Sometimes the darkness
Spins truth with a curve
This is what you have been
This is what you deserve.

And perhaps this is so
But completely misleading
Irrelevant when you are seeking
And heeding

A voice that has said
I will dwell within you
And from what you were
I will make something new....


Blessings:  the kid on the intercom yesterday who, while finishing the pledge of allegiance, said "with liberty, justice.....and all."  Funny how one changed word can so totally alter the meaning.  I was tickled.
The light snow that fell yesterday---snow always makes my heart lighter.

Prayers:  
family, friends, students----that God is with them as they face times where their health is in jeopardy.
Family member with a second interview today.
For students dealing with a personal loss.
And, of course, many more.

Well--it's been two weeks.  For those two weeks---I've counted calories and kept them at or below the goal set for me by that handy dandy little fitness app.  Now--I'm very slowly adding some exercise---just for a few minutes in the morning on my own---and then for a few minutes in the afternoon with Miriam.  When the weather is nice enough, we'll use that as outside play time together.  But I've ordered some little fitness videos geared towards kids for the days that it's too cold, rainy, or dark.  They haven't come in yet---so yesterday I was curious if Miriam would be at all interested in just some regular old light floor aerobics since she loves dancing so much and it is kind of like dancing....I stuck the tape in---and Miriam immediately climbed on top of her little table, grinned, and started dancing.  I nixed the table dancing for obvious reasons---but she then seemed to have a really good time dancing on the floor----even imitating the little squats----ummm---hilarious.  It made the exercises fun for me too.  And Stu was endlessly entertained.  Miriam always has a way of making things better.

I attempted to make quinoa yesterday----I just found out that isn't pronounced qwin-oh-uh---but rather keen-wa.  Keen-wa----for some reason I want to say that with a British accent.  I think it would have turned out better if I hadn't substituted garlic salt for garlic.  Eh---live and learn.  The night before the quinoa experiment gone wrong---I attempted to make beef and vegetable chili for dinner---this also went terribly awry.  I have no idea what I did wrong---but the resulting chili was an abomination to taste buds everywhere----way too spicy (I did catch myself starting to put in two tablespoons of cumin rather than two teaspoons---but I corrected the error....really)---and even if it hadn't been too spicy---the taste of the chili under the spices was just----bad.....really bad.  We ending up having random things from the pantry that night.  I don't think that the kitchen and I will ever make peace really.  We are just mortal enemies.

In my devotion time this morning---I read about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  There's a cheery romp for you.  This, to me, remains one of the most disturbing stories in the Bible.  I can imagine Abraham pleading on behalf of any righteous people who might be found in those cities.....If you can find just fifty--Lord---might they be saved...forty....thirty...twenty...ten.  And the angel of the Lord says---if I can find ten people I will save the cities on their behalf. And then the angels go to Sodom---Lot takes them into his house for protection----and then the whole town surrounds the house, trying to break down the doors---threatening sexual violence upon the visitors.  Lot---whose morals must have been skewed from his time in Sodom---actually tries to offer up his own daughters in exchange for his guests.  Disturbing---there's really just no other word for it.   And yet----there are places where the cruelty and violence of Sodom and Gomorrah can still be found.....and I suppose that we know from Genesis that God's patience for evil is not something that will last forever...


Blessings:  Miriam's dancing.  :)  

Prayers:  Friends and family struggling with illnesses.
                 Friend: unspoken
                 Family:  second interview coming up.  Yay!
                 Colleagues at school and students.
                 Student struggling with illness.
                 Students struggling with loss.
                As always, many more.
 

Check in day:
Well, this week I lost another 4.2 pounds.  So, in two weeks, I've lost a total of 9.2 pounds.  That's more than I was expecting to lose---and I'm thankful for that much weight being gone.  It's not much really for someone like me who has so much weight to lose----but it's still a lot.  It's enough to make me feel a lot better---not as sleepy all the time---more active during the day----more myself.

If yesterday had been a test---I'm pretty sure I would have failed.  Just reading through yesterday's notes from my devotion time----it is uncanny how applicable they were for that particular day---- I could have drawn strength from them if I had bothered to try.  Sometimes words are for the wind----let them go---show people grace because many times our words don't come from our true self----show people the grace you want them to show you when you say something that isn't really from you.  Still working on it.  Still praying that God will work on my heart---because sometimes it can be so very hard.

Something from one of my pastor's sermons keeps jumping out at me too---he once talked about idols and how pervasive they can be in our lives.  One idol he noted was a people pleasing idol.  He said something along the lines of---Nobody even better talk to me if I preach a bad sermon.  And he believed that this attitude---this feeling of almost devastation----is revealing of a people pleasing idol that he struggles with.  I'm pretty sure I struggle with that one too.   I should not feel so sad if I don't live up to someone's expectations----not if I'm giving all I have---and doing my best.  Oh my goodness, it doesn't matter.  And yet---that little horrible part of myself wants to make a good impression---wants people to think "She is doing a great job!"  Bah!  Build a bridge and get over it.  Except I know I can't build my own bridge---which brings us back to why I'm here---early in the morning---praying to God for change---for a bridge, not of my own making.

Blessings:  I am thankful for  a husband who loves me unconditionally---who has taken over with Miriam two nights in a row while I work late at school.  For a family who invites us over to dinner because they know I ain't cooking here at the end of a crazy week.  I'm thankful for that kid who---when asked---tell us something you learned about Martin Luther King---said, with awe in his voice---he was a king!!!  I'm thankful for the first grader who asked me "Is your job hard?"  I replied---"Sometimes--but it's a lot of fun too---"  And he smiled at me with that sweet smile that only a child can muster.  That was a good moment.  I'm thankful for Miriam---perched on Papa's foot and asking for a bite of apple pie.  Also---a good moment.

Prayers:  Praying for family members and friends who are dealing with illnesses and upcoming surgeries.  Praying for a family member waiting to hear back after a job interview.  And many, many more that I'll leave unspoken.

Do you think that you can reprove words, when the speech of a despairing man is wind?" Job 6:26

From Piper's Devotion:  "In grief and pain and despair, people often say things they otherwise would not say.  They paint reality with darker strokes than they will paint it tomorrow when the sun comes up....What shall we do with these words?  Job says that we do not need to reprove them.  These words are wind--or literally "for the wind"  They will quickly be blown away...Therefore, the point is, let us not spend our time and energy reproving such words.  They will be blown away of themselves on the wind.  One need not clip the leaves in autumn.  It is a wasted effort.  They will soon blow off of themselves.  O how quickly we are given to defending God, or sometimes the truth, from words that are only for the wind.  If we had discernment, we could tell the difference between the words with roots and the words blowing in the wind.....What you hear is not the deepest thing within.  There is something real within where they come from.  But it is temporary---like a passing infection----real, painful, but not the true person."


One of my resolutions this year was to show more grace towards people.  I still struggle with the notion that if someone says an unkind word to me---or, more often, about me----(gossip that loops back to its source)---that I don't have time for that person anymore.  When I disregard God---my natural, old self is very unforgiving---and can hold a grudge for an embarrassing amount of time.

But then, when I look at myself---if  I say something thoughtless that is then perceived to be unkind----I get peeved.  Because I think to myself---I didn't mean it that way.  Something I said struck a chord I didn't even know existed---show me some grace...

Grace is so much easier to expect---to receive----than it is so extend.  I pray today for discernment---let me know when to deal with words that have roots--- but when to let a light breeze carry off words that are "not the deepest thing within..."

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”  ----George Eliot

Blessings:  Thankful to have a dad who still will drop everything to help me if I run into trouble.

Prayers:   Many

I often have this conversation with my students:  rests are difficult for us---because we want to fill them with sound.  It's part of our nature---we want to rush past them and get to the part where we get to make the music.  But here's the thing to remember---the silence is a part of the music.  Don't rush the silence---it isn't something apart from the music.  It is the music---it's just as important as the part of the music that is sound.  It builds anticipation---or it can turn a rhythm from symmetrical to asymmetrical---it can create syncopation.  Or it can just give a phrase which has arced and descended---space to breathe.  Where the silence is placed---how long the silence lasts---it's a part of the music.  It's part of what makes the music mean what it means.

I've been reading about God's promise to Abram this morning---God's promise that he would bless him with a large and prosperous family.  But Abram and Sarai become impatient, and take matters into their own hands.  And some fair amount of heartbreak follows.

I suppose the seasons of life that are the hardest for us to manage are the ones in between anticipation and its fulfillment--the ones where God seems silent.  This Bible story reminds me----don't rush past the silence---it isn't something apart---it's part of what makes our lives mean what they mean.

Blessings
Yesterday, as I was pulling out of the garage, I noticed that our old fence was crusted with ice crystals---the morning light caught them and they shimmered like something out of a fairy tale.  The fence is old, broken in places, and yet when the ice reflected back the light of the sun---it became beautiful.  Hope.  I, also, want to reflect back something beautiful.  There is nothing beautiful in me alone---I am broken.  But I still hope to catch the light---and then reflect it back out into the darkness.

The hair on the back of my neck
Starts to prickle
The air is electric
Adrenaline trickles.
Like drops from a faucet
Whose intensity shifts
To that of great falls
Rushing over the cliffs.
It's more than the senses 
Could ever detect
No matter which of them
I choose to select.
Should my vision sharpen
Becoming more clear
Or my ears heighten
To more vibrantly hear.
Perhaps I could follow
Every beautiful slant
Of light and of brilliance
Of melodic descant.
As it is--I just know
There is more than appears
And God is still present
He draws ever near.

He is the Seeker

When we are too weak

He is Compassion

When the world is so bleak.

He is the spark---

That can light up a stone

The Lord of the seen

And what is unknown...

Random Morning Thoughts:

I sometimes think that the second week of any lifestyle change can be the hardest.  I'm wanting to fall back into old habits.  Found some candy leftover from Christmas in my desk yesterday and seriously wanted to just sit down and eat the whole thing.  But, I didn't.  Getting up earlier to have quiet time in the Bible and in prayer also seems to be more challenging this week.  The alarm goes off and I think---I don't really have to get up yet.....but so far I've been getting up anyhow.  Still praying for strength and change in my heart.  I committed to this daily quiet time for five days a week--but after going two days without it---I'm pretty sure I need it every day.  Sunday provides that quiet time/Bible study naturally in church----but I think I need to have a quiet time on Saturday mornings as well.  It's just too easy to push God to the back burner when I don't make an intentional effort to spend some time with Him.  

From Devotion Time

Romans 8:5-6  "Those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, set their minds on the things of the Spirit.  For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace."

From Piper's devotional regarding this verse:  "This is stunning.  What you set your mind on determines whether the issue is life or death."

Blessings

Stuart and Miriam playing ball together---a house of squeals and laughter.  

Playing chase with Miriam and watching her dance.

A good day with the kids at school yesterday.

Prayers

Family struggling with illness

Students affected by personal loss

Family member with a job interview today

Praying for Miriam's relationship with Christ someday.

(And others...)