A Brief Update

     I haven't blogged or given any updates in a while because we haven't had any news to share.   M had fallen out of touch with our adoption agency for a period of time;  our agency warned us that it was looking more likely that M would change her mind about the adoption plan and choose to parent.  Stu and I were preparing ourselves for that to happen.  Our feelings were ambivalent--because on the one hand--a family that was to endure the grief of separation might be spared significant loss and pain if they were able to discover a way to remain together.  On the other hand, should M choose to parent, our family would remain incomplete indefinitely.  And we can't help but want to welcome a baby home sooner rather than later.  Our joy is founded in someone else's sacrifice.  This is a hard adoption truth.  But acknowledging this truth honors M, and honoring M honors our child.

     Today, we received news from the agency that M is indeed still planning to go through with making an adoption plan for the baby.  They gave us the reasons M had been out of touch, which had nothing to do with her changing her mind.  For the first time, I really feel as though this is actually going to happen.  I fully expect that there will be a tiny baby gracing our home by the end of the week or so.  Of course, nothing is certain.  These are just my feelings---but for now I'm trusting them.  I'm taking a few deep breaths---and I'm just going to live in a place where this is real.  Stu and I have packed our bags, for us, and for the baby.  M's due date was today.  She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow---and I wonder if we will get the call that we've been anticipating tomorrow as well.  Every time the phone rings, Stu and I are all but leaping out of our skin.  I believe our first child is on his way.  And we can't wait to meet him.   

A Quick Dose of Reality

I think I need to put it out there that although right now we are proceeding towards this adoption with hope and love in our hearts, it is not at all a sure thing.  M could change her mind after giving birth to her son;  this happens a lot---and it's not difficult to understand why.  After she holds that baby in her arms the first time, the world could suddenly look like a completely different place.  No matter how firmly she may feel at this moment about making an adoption plan for her baby, that could all change in a second after those tiny fingers wrap around hers.  And should this happen, Stu and I would not be angry or bitter with her.  Sad---yes.  Disappointed---yes.  Angry---no.  Part of us is expecting this to happen.  To some degree, it seems almost inevitable.  When we try to put ourselves in her shoes, we can't.  We can't imagine her situation, we can't even begin to comprehend the sacrifice she is preparing herself to make out of love for her little one.  We can't know what she will ultimately decide.   But for now, we will continue to fold the tiny clothes in the nursery;  we'll continue to pack our bag with diapers, baby wipes, and other necessities;  we'll continue to look forward with anticipation and excitement.  And if we drive to the hospital one day and return home with an empty car seat, well---that will be hard.  But I don't believe it will be for naught.  I don't believe that anything that happens does so without reason.  There are just reasons that you can fathom and reasons that you can't.  And no matter what happens, crossing paths with M and C will not be something we look upon with regret.  Meeting them was a privilege;  hearing their story was a privilege; whatever happens next will be in line with God's will and God's plan.  And we will continue to pray that our will may be aligned with His.

Meeting M

Today we drove to Jackson to meet with an expectant mother.  On the drive over, Stu and I felt mostly at peace---we said:  "We'll just be ourselves.  If this is God's plan---it will happen---if it's not---then it won't."  We kept this atmosphere of contentment alive and well on the whole car trip over.  I noticed blackbirds cruising in the air, wings open yet unflapping and I thought about how they were supported by something unseen but very present;  I believed that God was supporting us in much the same manner, unseen but undeniably carrying us.  This spirit of calm rapidly disintegrated into nervousness the moment we sat down at a table at our agreed upon location.   Stu and I were the first to arrive, and waiting those twenty minutes for the social worker and M (I'm going to refer to this expectant mother as M) to join us was torturous.  We watched the door intently, afraid to look away.  Stuart remained calm.  That's who he is.  He never seems to lose sight of the fact that we have no control of what will happen---but he trusts God and doesn't seem to balk at the idea of unquestioningly allowing Him to direct our situation.  I, on the other hand, am the worrier.  This is just one more situation that proves that five years ago, I married the man whose strengths many times cover up my weaknesses.  Stu held my hand---offering support and reassurance.  As we unblinkingly watched the front door, M and the social worker approached us from behind.  Ain't that always the way it goes?  What we're looking for always seems to come at us from an unexpected direction.  Anyhow--Stu and I pretty much jumped from our seats to greet M.  There was this weird little moment--I went to shake M's hand--she went to hug me---then I went to hug her and she went to shake my hand.  We were both so nervous!  M is a really beautiful woman.  She has long hair and dark brown eyes.  Her complexion is the color of coffee with cream---and she definitely had the whole pregnancy glow thing working for her.  M brought her daughter, C, with her to the meeting.  C is five years old---bubbly, sweet-natured, polite, and altogether adorable with her sparkly shoes and meticulously braided hair.  M sat down with us and began to talk as though she had already made up her mind that Stu and I were to be the parents of her child.  She wanted to ensure that we would pick up the baby from the hospital.  She wanted to ensure that we were ok with sending her pictures and letters, and with meeting her once a year for visits.  She asked if we were excited.  I think that even Stu was a little shell shocked at this point---because it was our understanding that this meeting was a way for M to determine whether or not she really wanted us to parent her child---and all of a sudden it was as if she had really already made up her mind in the first five minutes of meeting us.  And I think we were both a little afraid to believe it--it seemed like a too good to be true kind of thing.  We told her we were very excited---we told her how long we'd waited for a child---and we told her that it was difficult for us to express how happy we would be to have a child---how grateful we were to her for even meeting with us.  M told us about her family.  She told us about her son, whose personality actually sounded to be a lot like Stuart's personality. She shared about why she was making the decision she's making.  We gave her information about our own families, and told her how excited everyone is.  We really really liked M.  She's a sweet young woman with a lovely daughter---and we very much wish her the best.  The meeting ended with M saying that she thought we were very nice people and that she was thrilled to meet us.  We told M that we wanted her to know that whatever she decided, we would pray for her---that we too wanted the best for her child.  We each hugged her---C did a little pirouette that she'd been dying to show us.  And we left.  At this time, although we felt that the meeting went very well---we don't know for sure that M has decided anything.  As much as we liked her, as much as we can't help hoping that this child that rests in her belly might come to our home someday soon, that God will connect us to this sweet woman and her family (honestly, I couldn't picture a better person to be in an open adoption with)---the thing that we must pray for is God's plan---and that whatever is best for that child (whether it be that child resides with his birthmother, another family, or with Stu and I) will come to pass.  Thank you for all of the prayers.  No matter what happens in this situation, we believe that God is working.


****Just got the call as I was typing.  M has officially chosen us to parent her child.  Excuse me, gotta go cry a few tears---the good kind.   :)

Waiting.....

     It doesn't seem too long ago that Stu and I sat down on the stairs of our home together and finally came to the conclusion that we did not have the strength-- physically, emotionally, or even spiritually---to continue our infertility treatments.  The grief in the air around us was palpable.  That moment is so far removed from the bone deep joy that has settled into our lives since.  And in quiet, reflective slivers of time--I am humbled that God would transform our sadness into such happiness.  Intellectually, I know that none of us deserve the blessings God sees fit to bestow upon us.  But still--there's a part of me that whispers---there are so many people out there whose hearts were always open to adoption.  They didn't fight God's plans for their families;  they didn't spend years ignoring the gentle, nightly murmurs---"Maybe you're just supposed to be parents...to a child that is not genetically related to you.  Maybe there's a child somewhere that needs a home as badly as you need a child....."  And I think, those are the people who deserve this kind of happiness--the ones who were sharp enough to figure things out a tad bit quicker.  Not us.  Yet here we are, picking out a crib---a bassinet---and regarding the boxes stacked up in the bedroom with feelings that seem to pair in paradoxes---Contentment with excitement----Joy with fear;  but mostly we're just grateful for this blessing that we absolutely do not deserve.  Oh how He loves us.....I'll never understand why.   But with each passing year, my conviction deepens that God loves us more than we will ever comprehend.

     The seasons of the adoption process have passed quickly for us.  November: preliminary application.  December:  formal application.  January-February: completed self studies, interviewed at Bethany's offices.  March: completed home study.  April: completed an all day training.  Received our letter stating that we had been approved.  It seems overwhelming---before you start it is overwhelming.  But I think that every step of our journey has been, if not enjoyable at all times, crucial.  It can be tedious to describe your childhood vacations, your feelings about your family and friends, how you were disciplined, how you will help your child cope with loss; it can be somewhat disconcerting, jaunting off to the Rangemasters (that's the shop with the big guns) to get fingerprinted, or sitting at the Sheriff's office waiting for them to run that background check on you and hoping they don't discover your husband's secret life of crime.  Ha!  (Side note--I will relate this in case any of you ever find yourself in need of a background check---do not make jokes similar to the one above with any of the police officers wandering around--even if they kid with you first---it does not go over well--voice of experience here folks).  But on another level---all of these preparations encourage reflection on the past, the present, and anticipation of the future.  And there's a lot to think about---a lot to process---and a ton to learn.  The months you spend writing, praying, waiting, hoping, worrying, reading, learning----those months help to shape your heart, and the love that you felt when you first started the process---the love that was nebulous and hazy, but real nevertheless---gains definition.  As you read about the loss that your child will have to contend with, you will ache and hurt and wish that you could take that loss upon yourself and keep it from falling on such small shoulders.  As you become ever more aware of the challenges of transracial adoption, you come to accept with sadness that there will be some people who will not like your child simply because of the color of his skin---or in some cases, because he is a part of a family whose skin is a different shade than his--and you will be angry and hurt--and you will wish, not for the first time, that you could childproof the whole world, rather than just your tiny little corner of it.  Seeing random babies out in public will give you goosebumps, as you imagine what it will be like when you are responsible for such a tiny, precious life.  And you will dream---sometimes the baby in the dream will be a boy, sometimes a girl, sometimes half-tadpole (everyone has crazy "pregnancy dreams" right?  Please tell me I'm semi-normal.)  And you'll wake up wondering---where is my baby right now?  Has he been knitted in his mother's womb already?  Like I said---there's a lot to think about.
     There are also a lot of decisions to make, one of which concerns open adoption.  It used to be assumed that a traditional closed adoption was the best thing for all involved in an adoption.  Supposedly, the birthmother could go on with her life---the pain of separation from her baby would be lessened if she didn't see pictures, receive letters, or have any kind of contact with her child.  Supposedly, it was better for the baby to never know of the woman who gave him life and made an adoption plan for him.  The child would be raised as if he were the biological child of his adoptive parents, sometimes he might not even be told that he was adopted.  These assumptions have since been challenged.  Studies are showing that an open adoption is actually the better option for all involved in the adoption triad.  Ok, I'm going to stop here and say that I've found that many people express misgivings when I share that Stu and I are hopeful that we will be able to have an open adoption.  And I understand the misgivings.  I'm a teacher---I think that all teachers have been exposed, at least once, to parents who truly don't seem to care about their own children.  We've seen children who are neglected and abused, children left emotionally disturbed---broken---from things that their own parents did to them---and it shatters our hearts.....and it can jade us if we're not careful.  It can make us think to ourselves that if a woman chooses to part with her own flesh and blood that she must not love her child.  And if she doesn't love her child, then having her in the child's life will be a hurtful mistake.  But here's the thing, a woman who falls pregnant is hardwired to love the life that stirs within her.  Yes, I suppose there are exceptions. But I'm counting on the fact that a woman who cares for her child enough to A: Give him life and B: Part with him despite the fact that every hormone in her body and every string in her heart yearns to keep him close to her---all because she truly believes that she can't provide for the needs of that child to her satisfaction---loves her child.  And as another adoptive parent said, "A child can't have too many people in his life that love him."  I know there are a million what ifs that could be thrown out at this juncture and I've probably thought about them all in the wee hours of the morning.  And frankly, I don't have the energy to deal with them anymore.  Whatever our situation turns out to be---we'll figure it out once we know what it is.  But in the meantime, we're praying that God will weave our family tree with someone else's----birthparents as well as the child.  So that the birthparent can be a part of the child's life, so that the child can have a sense of his roots and a link to someone who is genetically related to him, and so that we, as adoptive parents, can minimize the loss for our child.  If there's a way to lessen our child's hurt---well--that's what we want to do.

***I started this post some time ago.  Now the boxes in the nursery are being unpacked and there is the possibility that we could have a baby in a mere two weeks.  We meet tomorrow with a birthmother who has chosen us based on our profile book.  We don't know what's going to happen---but already I'm making note of the small things that happened on the day we received that exciting phone call, marking them in my memory.  Keep this birthmother in your prayers.  Keep her baby in your prayers.  And keep us in your prayers, the coming days may prove to be heart-wrenching, wonderful, or some combination of the two---for all of us or some of us---depending on the outcome. Whatever God's plan is---it will be.  This at least we can have confidence in.  He will match us with the family He intends---just as He will match this child with the family He chooses.  All that's left is to wait....and pray.
  
  

     

Wool Leaves

     This is a shawl that I recently finished knitting.  I'm in the process of blocking it out.  The upper, neater portion has been pinned to measurement---while the lower portion has not.  I am always amazed at how blocking transforms the appearance of lace from a squashed, disorganized jumble to an elegant pattern of angles, eyelets, and curves.  It has to be stretched beyond its natural inclinations before it becomes something that makes sense...... I think this is true for people as well as lace.

A Prayer

Lord grant me stillness
That resides in a place
Division can't touch
And deception can't face.

And Lord let that peace
In its calmness reveal
Your small, quiet voice
That my weakness conceals.

May the storms that I sail
Be ones that You've planned
That rise to Your purpose
And fall at Your hand.

And when I am anxious
In worry immersed
Remind me that faith
Is a song, unrehearsed

Should tension release,
Sustain or prolong
Should silence persist
It's all part of that song.

A song that exhibits
True beauty's dimension
Because it is one
Not of my invention.

But one that You arch
Then turn to descend
In  patterns too large
To yet comprehend

But I follow the curves
That billow and slope
Unfolding in time
And walking in Hope.

No longer excused
By what I can't do
Becoming a vessel
That You can sing through.

But should I falter,
Look down at the sea
Lose the sound of Your voice
In its cacophony---

I pray that You'll lift me
Once more from the ocean
Of doubt and of fear
Of misplaced emotion.

And set me back down
In Your time and Your key
In Your frame of reference
In Your melody.

Why transracial adoption?

     When I first shared with my sister-in-law and brother (who have already been through the adoption process and now have the sweetest almost one year old son that you can even begin to imagine) that Stu and I had decided to pursue adoption----Nikki told me--"Once you decide to adopt---you then become an expectant mother."  Those words jarred something inside me---and I realized that she was right.   Somehow---through the grace of God---we had moved away from the desperation and pain of desiring for God to mold his plans to ours---and we had found the peace and the joy of molding our plans to his.  And we were expecting a child----how foolish had we ever been to think that accepting God's plan in lieu of our own would somehow be anything less than complete.  I will always be grateful to Nikki for those words----because they expressed recognition of a change in Stuart and in myself that wasn't visible to the eyes---but was nonetheless real and life-altering.  We became expectant parents that day in November.
      Part of the reason that I'm trying to write this blog is because I want a record of this time of anticipation---this time of joy, celebration, and preparation.   It also helps me to sort through some of the conflicting thoughts and feelings that I run into as our adoption process progresses.  Stuart and I are now in the middle of describing every aspect of our life in the "self-study" worksheets we've been given to complete.  We've written about our childhood, our families, our marriage, our past significant relationships, and our views on child-rearing and adoption.  And now we're in the section in which they ask all kinds of questions about transracial adoption:  "Have you ever considered adopting transracially?"  and "How will you help your child develop a positive racial identity?"  "How do you think your child will feel about being adopted transracially?"  For those who may not know---Stuart and I had already decided that we were open to transracial adoption before we ever went to our first informational meeting.       But it can be a little difficult to describe why we feel that way.  I think that, in part, we have been affected deeply by the addition of Joshua---my nephew--- to our family.   If I had ever had even one iota of doubt that a family could be a family whether everyone "matched" or not---well it would have been obliterated the moment I met Joshua.  As it was, I remember asking Stuart one morning as we were getting ready for work,  "If we ever adopted---would it be important to you for the child to be the same race as you?"  (As you may have guessed, this conversation was a reaction to Jacob and Nikki announcing that they were pursuing a transracial adoption.  The idea of checking off races deemed acceptable to one's family on the adoption questionnaire had never surfaced before since we hadn't come to a place where adoption felt right to us at that particular time.)  And Stuart said,  "No, I don't think so."  And I agreed.   That was probably a year before we ever met Joshua---and I suppose since we weren't seriously considering adoption at that time---those were just pat answers that didn't signify anything real or tangible to us as a couple.  And those pat answers really weren't as simple as we believed when we first discussed the issue.  Sure---we're fine with having a child of a different race as a part of our family---no question.  Later---when adoption became something real to us---Stu and I would begin to realize that the real question was whether or not a child would be fine with being adopted into a family of a different race.   Early lessons in the "Hey genius---it's no longer all about you--"school of parenting.
     Google search "adult transracial adoptee blogs" and you're going to read some pretty negative stuff.  There are a lot of angry people out there---people angry with their adoptive parents for not believing them when they were confronted with bias or prejudice---people angry that their adoptive parents didn't make enough of an effort to introduce them to people who shared their heritage/ethnicity---people angry that their adoptive parents made them feel guilty when they became curious about their birth parents---people angry when others felt entitled to tell them how they should feel....  Read "In Their Own Voices"  in which adult transracial adoptees tell their stories---and you're going to read about a spectrum of experiences----some people say---they never really formed an identity---and to this day, they don't really feel like they know who they are.  Some people describe themselves as being "too black to be white"  and "too white to be black."---meaning that they never felt that they could fit into either the black or the white community.  Others describe it as a very positive experience---saying that they feel that they are a bridge between the white and black communities---that they feel they have a foot in both worlds---and that they are a better, more enriched person for it.  Some people have very negative experiences from which they never really recovered;  some viewed negative experiences as something which--though hurtful and disheartening at the time of their impact---- made them stronger in the long run.  One quickly realizes that when considering transracial adoption----there is turbulence beneath those first, surface judgements---and that in the end-----an easy answer is just not at hand.
     The more you read about/hear about other people's experiences---the more you realize that we do indeed live in a race conscious society.  Racism exists---and though it would be nice to say that now that we have a biracial president---the times of racism are past.....obviously they aren't.   Look at the bomb that was planted along the route of a Martin Luther King parade in Washington---look at the racial slurs that are hurled without abandon across the internet---really just look around---and you can feel the ugly overtones of racism in more situations than any of us would really care to admit.  We are very far from the paradise this world began as....  And there are times that I stop and mourn the damage that sin and hate have wrought on this world----which seems to find endless ways to divide and separate its people.  I think---at my most idealistic---I could say that I don't want to be one more separating force---I want a family that looks like the family of God---with no regard for skin color---and much regard for the inclinations of our hearts.    But I think that answer relies too heavily on the assumption that love is enough.  In a perfect world it would be---in the world we live in---I think love is just the beginning..... At its most basic---the truth of the matter remains as this:  Stu and I just really want a baby---and we don't want to reject a baby that needs a home just because he/she might be of a different race/ethnicity than ourselves.  There are other boxes that we will leave unchecked on our adoption form----there are other babies who need homes that we will never meet because of those unchecked boxes.  There are babies who have needs that we aren't sure we're equipped to meet-----but when it comes to the needs unique to the transracially adopted child----for some reason---that is hopefully not completely misguided-----we aren't fazed---and we believe that, with a little help along the way, we can meet those needs.
     Sometimes I look at our family---the struggles we've faced---the ramifications of those struggles we've embraced and loved with our whole hearts---and I think that God has prepared us for this very thing.   And everything inside us is yearning to raise a child who truly understands that we are who we choose to be--we are not what others label us as---nor are we what others might wish us to be---that every single one of us leads a purpose driven life-----it is merely a choice as to what purpose---one of goodness or of wickedness--- that we claim for ourselves---- a child who understands that God made him and that he made him in his own image----and that when some ignorant person tries to tell him that he is something less because of the color of his skin-----he should remind that person that some day we are all going to meet our maker---and if one doesn't discount what the Bible tells us about that whole "created in His own image" bit----that maker could very well be a man with ebony colored skin.....a child who understands that we are defined by love---and diminished by hate.  We so badly want our child to understand these things more and sooner than we did.  And our greatest fears when it comes to transracial adoption or adoption in general lie in our own inadequacies and shortcomings. To raise a child to believe that the world is "colorblind" would be unfair since racism does exist and is a disturbing reality---and it is scary to think that we---as caucasian parents--- will not always have all the answers when it comes to the best ways to deal with it----- we truly are going to have to ascribe ourselves to the adage that "It takes a village...."
     We live our lives in an imperfect, fallen world----but it is not a world where God doesn't still live....it isn't a world without pockets of kindness, love, grace, forgiveness......it isn't a maze of thorns that we are left to navigate without aid or direction-----the God of our fathers is One who not only gives us guidance in our journey---He goes one notch further than that----as He walks it alongside us.  
    These are the things I think about when I read the questions about transracial adoption.   Have you ever considered adopting transracially?  Yes.  How will you help your child develop a positive racial identity?  Find a diverse church....get involved in it.....teach my child that God made him in his own image as he made all of us---and that each of us has the chance to be a child of God...rely on the advice of friends who have more experience than I do when necessary....trust my family---my family composed of relatives as well as my family composed of friends----to be a safe haven in an unfair, imperfect world....make sure my child is aware of real life heroes that share his ethnic heritage......and hope all that is enough.....or maybe just a start........I don't think that Stu and I are self-deluded enough to believe that we know everything---and as excited as we are----there's a part of us that is terrified that we're going to make some horrible mistake.  Actually, the horrible mistake part is probably inevitable.  From what I understand---it's pretty much a rite of passage into the land of parenting.  And I guess that thought leads into the last question---How do you think your child will feel about being transracially adopted?  I suppose the answer to that depends on how well we implement the answers described in the previous question, doesn't it?  Here's hoping that with the prayers and support of our friends and family---with a conscious effort to develop that positive racial identity---and with the help of God----he's going to feel good about it.  I'm sure there will be times when he is sad----from what I've read and studied---it seems that many adoptees (same race adoptees and transracial adoptees alike) feel a tremendous sense of loss.  I hate to think of our child feeling this way----and I only hope that we're strong enough to walk through the loss with him.  God does it for us---he doesn't just stand back from afar and intone pearls of wisdom in serious, yet emotionless cadences.....He goes there with us.  The times in my life when I've felt the most afraid---the times that I've been in the most pain---physical or otherwise---those are the times that I can honestly say that I have most keenly felt God's presence and love.  He always gets it right----Stu and I won't-----but if we can just help our child to develop that relationship with God through Jesus Christ----he'll always have someone walking through the sadness alongside him----even when we as parents aren't able to do the same.
   Well---if you've made it this far through a rather long entry---maybe you won't mind my asking for a bit more of your time.  Please take a moment and pray for us---that we will be granted the wisdom to know what's right for our child.  And  pray for the birthmother of our child---I can't even imagine what she must be/will be feeling.    Most importantly---pray for our child's salvation in Christ----because we can give him nothing if he doesn't have that.