Christmas 2021

 Into the darkness

Has come a great light

A Savior—a Prince

Born into the night

Don’t look in a palace

Of royal design

Look in the manger

To see the divine.

Draw near to God

He will draw near to you

Seek Him and find Him

Who makes all things new.

But where do I look

Where do I search

In myself or in others

In a place called a church?

God came as a baby

Woke a world fast asleep

While angels sung of His coming

Among shepherds and sheep.

Do I look for God

Or does He find me and see

I could never touch Heaven

But Heaven touched me.

Whose darkness is it

He came to ignite?

Mine or yours

Or humanity’s blight?

Sometimes his light 

Feels like one small candle

Lit just for me

To personally handle

Passed so gently 

From Him to me

Lighting one step at a time

To a path I can’t see.

And sometimes it’s something 

Pressed into my shame

And it hurts to be burned

Though worse to remain.

And other times

His light feels untame

Fiercely fighting 

Like a sword wrought with flame

Where do I look

When the darkness is deep

And I can’t sense Him at all

Or His memory keep?

I didn’t break into His world

He broke into mine

So I read the stories 

Old songs and old rhymes

They trace the veins

That lie under my skin

Bring back to life

What was sickly and dim

And I look to the Quiet

I look to the small

I look in the places

Where there’s no strength at all

Sometimes those places

Are in my own heart

And it’s frightening to walk

Through the powerless parts.

And sometimes those places 

Are right by the tide

And walking into them

I feel swept aside.

But Christmas is here

When God donned what was weak

And if I want to meet God

Let me not fear where to seek.

 The Wednesday after Thanksgiving, we brought home a retired racing greyhound named Finn.  We had two dogs before---Molly and Sarah---a golden retriever and a shepherd mix from the animal shelter.  Molly and Sarah lived to be about 14 years old.  Molly passed away---and Sarah passed away not much later.  We think in part because of grief.  She and Molly were close---if you can say that dogs are close to each other.  They were both really good dogs---sweet dogs for Miriam to grow up with.  I have sweet pictures of Miriam walking them on the leash----or older pictures of Miriam sitting on the floor next to them, laughing.  She always loved them.  And they were protective of her.  When she was a baby---if she cried---the dogs cried.  And Sarah in particular thought we were never quite fast enough to figure out what was wrong and fix it.  I vividly remember hearing Miriam cry---and heading to her room---with Sarah trotting ahead of me, whining in dog that I wasn't fast enough.  After the dogs went to dog heaven---Stu and I weren't sure we would have dogs again.  Because it is hard to watch them grow old.  It's hard to watch them not be able to stand easily---it's hard to watch them in pain.  

Birds live longer---so we got a bird. 

 

Iggy bird is a great pet.  He sits with me every day.  He rides around on my shoulder while I make lunches each morning.  He flies back and forth from the top of his cage to the top of the kitchen counter where he can keep a closer eye on me if he wants to.  He says: "Pretty bird" and "Hey Iggy" and "Pretty baby". 

He likes Stuart and Miriam too.  Loves head scritches and any kind of attention he can get really.  He loves to attack my yarn while I'm knitting or crocheting.  He's been a huge blessing to our family. And he should live 20-30 years---which is really nice.   

But---we missed having dogs.  Miriam and I especially missed having dogs. I've always loved seeing the greyhounds when the adoption agencies brought out their dogs to the pet shops.  They seemed sweet and easy going.  And when I read more about them---that seemed to be what they are.  We visited the greyhound adoption facility in West Arkansas a while ago---and they brought out several different dogs for us to meet.  Finn was the last dog we met----he only came out because he was pitching a fit in his kennel seeing the other dogs get out---and the owner let him come out even though we had stayed later than their closing time.  Finn immediately liked Miriam---and followed her around.  He was sweet with us too---leaning on me, the way greyhounds do.  Seems like they are less likely to jump up on you than to just lean on you when they want your attention.  At least this is how it has been with Finn.  

 

Finn has been the same sweet dog at home---he is a shadow dog---following you around wherever you go.  He's excited when M comes home from school each day.  He sleeps most of the day---and carries around his little stuffies in his mouth.  And he's been no trouble at night---he just likes to sleep on his bed in the same room with you.  I wake up early---and Finn is happy to wake up early with me.  

He hasn't shown too much interest in Iggy bird---which is good.  I was worried he'd be obsessed with trying to eat him.  But he isn't---though we still are careful and keep Iggy bird behind closed doors if Finn is roaming around.  And it feels good to have a dog in the house again.  

    

Last year, we did something that the school called "Secret Bruins"----where you bought gifts for another teacher in the school---small happies---and you gave them away each month.  My secret bruin---who turned out to be Sheila---gave us a gingerbread house to decorate.  Miriam and I had a great time putting it together---so we decided to make it a tradition.  Here's the one from this year.  

Thankful for the time we had putting it together.  

We've been kind of lazy over the break...some cooking....minimal cleaning.....but it's been nice to curl up with M and watch some Christmas movies.  She insists that Iggy always join us. 

We did put up the snow village too---which is one of my favorite Christmas decorations----when M was little she used to spend hours playing with the little figures that go with it.  She loves it still, though.  

I do love this time of year.  And I've been really grateful for this week off of school.  Christmas shopping, Christmas knitting and crocheting, reading with M, and watching way too many Christmas movies. And I'm grateful to still have my family close by.  Glad that mom and dad, kay and Steve, Jacob, Nikki, and Joshua are all just a short drive away.  That's a huge blessing.  Here are my grateful thoughts for today.  

Thanksgiving with family

 Yesterday, I spent the morning with Iggy bird and Miriam.  We talked and laughed together a lot of the morning.  Iggy bird loves pajama pants---and perched himself on either my fuzzy pants or Miriam's fuzzy pants and occasionally said: "Pretty bird" or "Hey baby"  or "Iggy!"  Lots of Miriam giggles.  We slowly set out the snow village on the mantel place----only a couple of the pieces still light up----and the skaters on the skating rink no longer skate.  But we still love it.  

I keep a cluttered house.  Occasionally, I try to improve on the clutter---but mostly it just gets relocated.  And I kind of like the clutter.  It feels like home.  But I am enjoying the living room---with the Christmas tree and the snow village and the stockings all hung.  Christmas is coming.  

I got a UTI on Thanksgiving Day---and ended up at a minor med begging for medicine.  Thanksgiving Day---the day Stu, and Miriam, and I all spent at home---I really thought---I don't think I'm going anywhere tomorrow either.  I felt terrible.  Apparently drinking lemon zinger tea was NOT a great idea.  I thought it would work as a diuretic and flush out the system.....citrus is apparently one of the worst things you can ingest when you are dealing with that particular problem.  Should have googled that BEFORE drinking all that tea.  But after the google search---and switching to water---I felt much better.  And was able to sleep mostly through the night.  And was fine the next day.  

The day after Thanksgiving---we had the chance to go to my parents' house.  Dad had cooked turkey and ham.  And mom had made her dressing, vegetable medley, and sweet potato casserole.  I brought cherry salad that Stu's mom made to share.  Mom made a strawberry cake for Stu's birthday---and there were gluten free cookies for Nikki----and a chocolate chess pie too.  

Friday---is eat what you want for dinner day for me.  I am trying very hard to get down to the weight bone doctor lady wants me to be in order to safely run again.  So---I've mostly been eating celery and salad and boiled eggs it feels like.  But on Friday night---I eat what I want.  You have to build in your cheats, you know.  And Thanksgiving Dinner is a good cheat meal.  Miriam filled up on Vegetable Medley and cranberry sauce.  I enjoyed Stu's strawberry cake along with a piece of chess pie.  I think I am still full from all the food we ate yesterday.  

Joshua spent a lot of the night watching Gran's iphone---a portion of Dinosaur Train that he likes to play over and over again.  When Jacob had had enough---he took the phone away---and Joshua moved on to working the puzzle Mom and Dad had set out for him.  It amazes me how well he is able to work these puzzles.  He got pulled into his daddy's lap and gave Jacob the most beautiful smile.  The same for his momma.  And then for Gran and Poppa too.  Joshua's smile can melt anyone's heart, I think.  

Miriam spent a lot of the night out in the backyard with Dad and Dolly.  She threw Dolly's toys for her---and Dolly chased to her heart's content.

By the time we got home---we were all tired and happy and full.   It was good to be together.  

Now there are 3 weeks of school before we are out for Christmas.  I am knitting socks frantically to try and finish them for Christmas presents.  But it gives me an excuse to watch Hallmark Christmas movies while I work.  I'm hoping to crochet some dishcloths too---if I can remember how to crochet.  I haven't made those is quite some time---but they are some of my favorites to make once I get started.  So I'll watch my little tutorials again and get started.

It's weird not to be in the middle of putting together the Christmas musical this year.  In some ways, it is nice to be a little more laid back this time of year.  In some ways, it doesn't really feel like Christmas without it.  But it does mean more time at home with my family---and that's good right now.    

Thanksgiving 2020

 Thanksgiving 2020

I've been waking up early.  3:30---4 am.  And yesterday was no different.  I got up and turned on the news---drank my coffee---Stu and M still sleeping.  I've been writing my gratitude list this month---and it varies from day to day.  Sometimes the grateful thoughts are easy to find and sit close to the surface---sometimes I have to intentionally look for them. 

But here are some things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for the good health of my family.  Health challenges have presented themselves to several people I love this year---serious health challenges---and thankfully, those loved ones have come out ok.  Continued prayers for healing go out---as health is an ever-changing dynamic.  But---right now---in this moment----they are doing ok.  And I'm grateful for that.

I'm grateful for this time with Miriam----this week off school.  We are adopting a greyhound (hopefully, if all goes well)---and the box for Finn's bed was HUGE.  Miriam made a spaceship out of it----decorating it with markers----and gluing old buttons to the inside for a control panel.  3-2-1 blastoff.  She names planets and dwarf planets (what are dwarf planets? I had to google to find out she wasn't just making up strange names--thank you, space week at school).  

I'm grateful for story time in the bedroom.  Miriam brings Iggy (our little bird) and a bag full of books in the bedroom and we snuggle and read Christmas books together. I maintain Miriam is more entertained by Iggy trying to eat the pages than she is by the actual stories---but still---she will let me read to her for an hour or more---and my heart is full during these times.  These times will not last forever.  I am grateful for this sweetness.  I cooked a small Thanksgiving meal for Stu, Miriam, and I.  I don't know how to cook a turkey (oh the shame)---so I just made chicken and dressing (my mom's recipe), sweet potato casserole (Stu's mom's recipe), and vegetable medley (my aunt Carmen's recipe). I didn't eat it.  Because I'm saving up to have a real Thanksgiving meal the day after Thanksgiving with my family.  But Miriam helped me cook---and by helped, I mean she mostly danced in the kitchen excitedly while I worked. These are some of her favorite recipes too.  And I only make them at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Stu and Miriam both enjoyed the meal.  

I'm grateful to Stu's parents.  Tuesday was Stu's birthday.  Monday---he went to his parents' house---where they cooked him lasagna and a birthday cake---sending lots of leftovers home.  Along with cherry salad that Kay knows I love.  She always makes an extra container just for me.  I'm the only one who eats it in this household---and I've been known to eat the whole thing in one sitting.  I'm saving it this year again for our Friday meal at my parents.  But I'm looking forward to it.  Tuesday, we ordered in from Coletta's for Stu's birthday----and I made Scalloped Pineapples (Stu's favorite dessert). I haven't made it in a very long time----and Miriam has never had it before.   It was a hit all around.  Anything that calls for a stick and a half of butter and 2 cups of sugar is bound to be good comfort food, I guess.  It was good to sit at the table together as a family and celebrate.  

I'm grateful we had the chance to FaceTime with Stu's parents on Thanksgiving.  It was good to see them. Stu has been seeing them in person---but Miriam and I haven't been able to see them in person for a very long time now.  It will be good when we can all be together again.  

I'm grateful to have time and ability to cook a little.  It's been a while since I've been up to it.  I've been dealing with a stress fracture in my hip.  Been unable to walk or run for exercise---and missing it greatly.  Was non weight bearing for like 5 weeks---and then did a week of partial weight bearing---and now I finally get to ditch the crutches.  Freedom.  Although, I'm still not allowed to walk or run for exercise for another 3 months.  Still---in that time---the time I'd usually be walking/running---I've been knitting socks. And watching Hallmark Christmas movies.  As much as I miss being outside---and I really do.  I miss my long walks/long runs especially---I've enjoyed replenishing my hand knit sock drawer too.  Knitting is a good activity to do when you're healing from something.  It helped me before when I broke my ankle----and it's helped me through this time of inactivity as well.  I'm grateful for knitting.......and for really bad, predictable Christmas movies.  

I'm grateful for the chance to see my family today.  Jacob, Nikki, Joshua, Mom, and Dad.  It's been a long time since we've been all together.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it yesterday.  Ended up at minor med begging for medicine for a UTI (always a good time)---but got the medicine and feeling much better today.  Grateful to have access to medical care on a holiday.  Grateful for good medicine.  

Grateful for the kids at school this year.  I've been really amazed at how resilient they are.  How sweet and understanding they've been during a difficult time.  They've accepted the masks and the 6 feet apart.  They've accepted staying in their classrooms for most of their LAMPS times---while the teachers come to them.  They've accepted---what I think of as skeleton lessons----where I can't really do what I've always done due to COVID restrictions---and yet they still receive what they are given with a sense of gratitude.  They've helped me without complaint----pushing my cart for me while I've wheeled around the building or crutched around the building.  Showing me kindness and concern.  They seem glad to just be at school---I think they are glad to be with each other.  Like we all are---when given the opportunity. 

I'm grateful for my extended family and the Huffstetler group texts.  Grateful to see all the pictures of the Huffstetler crew.  Thinking a lot about my Grandmother---and grateful to have had someone like her in my family and in my life.  Grateful for how much she loved Miriam---and all her great grands.  I have a family that is very rich in love.  And the group texts remind me of that.  And I'm thankful.  

Yesterday, Stu set out our nativity scene.  Our Christmas tree has been up for quite some time now.  It seems like the pretty lights will help usher 2020 on out the door.  Not that there aren't always things to be grateful for----but like everyone, I am ready for the vaccines to come and for COVID-19 to be a thing of the past---as much as that may be possible.  

But grateful to have the nativity scene set out on the mantle.  Grateful for the reminder of Christmas---of God come down.  Of the promise that all things will be made new.  Through Jesus' sacrifice---comes our reconciliation with God.  God---give me eyes to see that every day---that ultimate gift----and to live a life that pours out of that....nothing else.  

 

 

 

Gratitude

Sometimes---there's a peace that finds you when you aren't even looking for it.  And you know it doesn't come from you----and you just know that someone's praying for you.  I'm thankful today for people who pray----and thankful to a God who answers those prayers.

Mortar the bricks

Build up the fences

Taller and stronger

Better defenses…

Curl up behind

The walls you have made

Hide and be hidden

Shrink into the shade.

Bury the weakness

Cold and hard

The work leaves me weary

And always on guard.

Heaviness pulls 

And twists what is true

Time tangles like string

Old fears come unglued.

Words become sharper

I close all the doors

From inside to out

Cacophony roars.

“Quiet” I tell it

It screams all the more

It tugs at my sleeves

It won’t be ignored.

The deeper I hide it

The louder it yells

I close my eyes but my ears

Feel the swell.

Doors swing open

Walls come down

Careless, unkind,

What’s been chained comes unbound.

Hurtful, malicious

What lived inside me

Is out and it’s visible

Who can see?

Questions arise

What’s right and what matters?

Actions, reactions

The mind shifts and scatters

Concedes there is nothing

That I can change

Only reorganize

Rename, rearrange.  

And others are running

From what I untethered

A storm off its leash

The worst kind of weather.

Frantically chasing

What I can’t collect

Or even remember

But only suspect.

Yet something is happening

I can’t quite see

Some kindness forgives

Picks up behind me.

The same people hurt

By what lived inside me

Strangely, they gather my mess

My debris.

Fear shoves me to darkness

But friends reflect light

Shame mutes my entreaties

But friends’ prayers unite.

My walls are all gone

My fences are torn

Still—I can wonder

Is that cause to mourn?

A heart that is guarded

By an ungiving wall

Is just atrophied muscle

---No real heart at all.

I can’t mend my fences

They’re beyond repair

But maybe it’s meant

That they shouldn’t be there.