Storms and purpose

May the storms that we sail
Be ones that You've planned
That rise to your purpose
And fall at Your hand.


We met a woman with a broken heart yesterday.

     "I feel as though I can't breathe."
     "My child will always wonder, 'if my mom kept my two brothers, why couldn't she keep me?'  "
     "Am I doing the right thing?"
      "I called the church and told them I just needed someone to talk to.  I don't know anyone here."
    
    Her head was bowed most of the time, she rarely met our eyes, and she cried throughout much of the meeting.  When we got word yesterday that B had picked up her child from interim care and was going to parent;  that the church was rallying around her to support her financially so that she could parent her child---we knew it was for the best.   Yes--it's hard for us too----but I don't think that our pain even compares with B's.   B's pain upon separating with her child would have been the kind of pain that lasts a lifetime.....our pain is short-lived---it is the pain of waiting, anticipating---the pain of not knowing.  And   it will be changed to joy when we do meet the child that God intends for us to meet.  And with each of our encounters with a birthmother, a new face is added---a face that flashes through our minds in the evening when we pray.  And that is purpose enough for any storm.

It's a rollercoaster---Get on board.....

This should be titled the blog in which I reveal that I know absolutely nothing about anything.  Just when I finally think I know what's going to happen---the path in front of me is jerked out from under me and I find myself in completely unfamiliar territory.  C'est la vie.

We got word today that M has chosen to parent her child.   She was induced Tuesday--and we were waiting to hear when we were to leave to go and pick up the baby from the hospital.  Stu and I have both been off work for two days.  The car was packed---the bassinet had clean sheets waiting---and our arms began to all but tingle in anticipation of holding our little boy---but the call from the agency that finally came today at 12:30 did not yield the news that we'd been expecting.  This baby is not our baby.  We always knew this was a possibility---but when possibility shifts to reality---we find that its sting is harsher than we ever knew that it could be.  Sadness....disappointment......emptiness----but then--as it turns out---our hands have to be empty in order to be free to accept God's grace and His blessings....

Let's fast forward to two hours later.....another call from Bethany...another little baby boy....two months old......birthmom wants to meet us.  Tomorrow.  At 11:00 am.  Pray.  Obviously, anything can happen---or not happen.  I've given up trying to predict anything.  And in the end, the child that we have will be the child that we are supposed to have.   Of this, I am completely confident.  Our paths may cross with many people that we would never have met if we weren't going through the adoption process.....people who may or may not choose us to parent their children....and I truly believe that there's a reason we meet  all of these people.  Another blogger who went through something similar recently said that the reason may be simply to make us aware that there are people who need our prayers.  So we'll pray---and we'll ask you to pray too.....for all the mothers out there who find themselves in difficult circumstances.

Pray for M and her family as well.  We wish them all God's presence and blessings in their lives as they go forward together, as a family.

A Brief Update

     I haven't blogged or given any updates in a while because we haven't had any news to share.   M had fallen out of touch with our adoption agency for a period of time;  our agency warned us that it was looking more likely that M would change her mind about the adoption plan and choose to parent.  Stu and I were preparing ourselves for that to happen.  Our feelings were ambivalent--because on the one hand--a family that was to endure the grief of separation might be spared significant loss and pain if they were able to discover a way to remain together.  On the other hand, should M choose to parent, our family would remain incomplete indefinitely.  And we can't help but want to welcome a baby home sooner rather than later.  Our joy is founded in someone else's sacrifice.  This is a hard adoption truth.  But acknowledging this truth honors M, and honoring M honors our child.

     Today, we received news from the agency that M is indeed still planning to go through with making an adoption plan for the baby.  They gave us the reasons M had been out of touch, which had nothing to do with her changing her mind.  For the first time, I really feel as though this is actually going to happen.  I fully expect that there will be a tiny baby gracing our home by the end of the week or so.  Of course, nothing is certain.  These are just my feelings---but for now I'm trusting them.  I'm taking a few deep breaths---and I'm just going to live in a place where this is real.  Stu and I have packed our bags, for us, and for the baby.  M's due date was today.  She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow---and I wonder if we will get the call that we've been anticipating tomorrow as well.  Every time the phone rings, Stu and I are all but leaping out of our skin.  I believe our first child is on his way.  And we can't wait to meet him.